TW:SUICIDE: ready to end it

[FrozenRobot7]

I have struggled with depression for many years now, but have never felt the way that I feel now. I don't feel numb like I usually do when in these "episodes" as I call them, but the reverse; I feel so many emotions and so much anxiety all of the time about my life and my future that I just want the thoughts to stop.

I have realized they do often stop when I am out with friends, but the second I am alone they come back again. I used to value my alone time so much, but now I can't stand being alone because then I am just left to stress and be anxious about my life.

I have felt suicidal before, and have even gotten close, but have never felt this serious about ending things. It scares me, because I know this part of my life will be over soon enough and I will be able to feel good again. But, this "episode" feels so much different than the other ones have and feels much more long and permanent, which makes living day by day so much harder.

I want to tell people around me, but I feel so bad doing so. Many of my friends and family around me have attempted/committed suicide in the past and I know how mentally difficult that can be, and I don't want to put that burden on those around me. I have a great support system, and I know my friends, family, and partner would understand, but I don't want to keep burdening them, I just want to take myself out of the equation and make everything easier.

I don't have a therapist right now because I am in between insurances, but plan on getting one as soon as possible. For the meantime, are there any other resources any of you know to help for the time being? Any resources or words are greatly appreciated

[Everglow.]

Hi Danni,

Thank you for reaching out about all of this, I'm glad you have. I know what you mean when you say that this 'episode' feels more permanent. I think sometimes depression and anxiety blind us from seeing what lies at the other side of it all, and that's where things are made more difficult. As hard as it is, please try and hold onto the knowledge that there's more beyond this, because you can get through this.

If you find that being around other people often stops the really bad feelings you're having, I'd recommend trying to keep as busy as you can when this isn't possible. For example, sometimes just going out for a walk, where you're around other humans, can relax you. If you have a park or green space near you, this might also boost your mood a bit. Sometimes, it's not always possible to be around people all the time, but there are ways to keep busy anyway. Think about what you used to enjoy about being alone - did you have any hobbies you enjoyed? Do you like to read, write or draw? Maybe you can try some of these activities out to see if they keep your mind occupied enough to stay safe. If you're struggling for ideas, have a look at our alternatives page. There's a whole load of ideas for small things you can do which might keep your mind busy enough to distract you. They're handy to have because there's lots of them, which means there is plenty of options to try out to see what works best for you.

I am not sure where you live, but perhaps you could also look into charities in your area to see if there are any options for support. Sometimes there will be local organisations who host activities or support groups, or even just a phoneline you can call when you're not doing so well. You can also try something such as the Befrienders Worldwide resource which is listed on TeenHelp. Having someone to talk to when things are hard can be really useful.

The final thing I want to say is - please don't feel like a burden to your family and friends for going to them when you're struggling. You say that suicide has been something many of these people have been through already, so I am sure they would much rather you went to them for help before it got to that point. It would burden them much less to help you live, than it would if they lost you. You deserve to be listened to and supported, and that doesn't make you a burden.

I hope this helps a bit. Please feel free to message me if you'd like to chat some more.

[startangle]

I usually ask people if they have space for me to rant or where I can talk freely. Sometimes they don't and it is totally fine.