It's been a long time.

[Alpine]

How long has it been since I used this site? I thought about deleting my account, but it's a good thing I didn't. God knows it might be useful yet.

I really hope this thread is new and I'm not managing to commit a faux pas with strangers online. Since no one seems to have posted here yet.

Something I'm coming across a lot is how lonely I am. I really have no friends, most of my family is estranged. I feel it like a deep ache, a hole in my chest. It scares me how the smallest interactions make me glow, because I take it as a sign of how dangerously alone I am. I need to be around other people my age. The last person to hug me was my mother, and that just doesn't seem to do it. It's always a stiff, quick hug, like she wants to get it over with. That's not true, but it feels like that. She's just not a physically affectionate person. The last person I spoke to for more than five minutes, my age, was. I don't know. A year ago.

I'm going through a lot. Most days I'm fine, able to go about my day, but the weight on my shoulders has been crushing me down to the ground without warning. Where I'm suddenly breathing too fast and my hands shake. And my thoughts go

You're weak.
You can't help anyone.
No one would notice if you disappear.
Selfish
Rude
Stupid

And I have no one to turn to. No one to text when it's 3am and I still haven't slept. When it's too much. When I realize I haven't eaten in 18 hours and it hasn't bothered me. When I'm drinking alone because I just don't know what else to do.

I feel like it's out of my control, my loneliness. There's nothing I can do. Everyone here hates me, I think because there is a rumor going around (It hurts how wrong it is and how many people believe it) that has me afraid to ride the bus. I've nearly gotten into a fight at the station because of it, and now everywhere I go it's like people stare.

I called the crisis line two nights ago. I've barely slept.
Please help?

[Arabesque- golfing girl.]

Hello Hazen,

It is wonderful that you came back to Teenhelp when you needed help with this. Teenhelp is a lovely place to come and talk about what you are going through and all of the things that are making us feel good about ourselves too. It is also good that you did not deleted you're account. No matter what you are going through you can post it in the support forums for help and hopefully you will start to feel a little bit better.

I am so sorry that you are having a hard time with this right now and hope that you will be okay soon. When we are having a hard time with anything it is ok to ask for help with this. You can also call a helpline or a friend or family member or someone else and talk for a while. Talking can help because we are getting all of the hurt out of us. Would you be able to try talking to someone about this, you're mother or someone at school, the school counselor or a teacher and let them know that you are having a hard time with all of this, then they will be able to help you so that you are feeling like yourself again. If you are not able to talk to them face to face, how about writing a letter to them and give it to them to read and they will be able to help you.

When you are not feeling like yourself, then try to take a few big deep breaths and try to calm yourself down and focus on something that you like. If you are at school look at you're shoes or something in you're locker or in you're room, you're bed or something else to help you. I hope that you will be okay soon.

[Everglow.]

Hey,

Thank you for reaching out here. I'm glad you decided to keep your account so that you could have a place to come for help. I understand how you're feeling, and I'm really sorry you're dealing with this.

Sometimes your own head can be your worst enemy, so all the negative things you're thinking about yourself feel like they're true, but they're not. People would notice if you disappeared, and you definitely don't sound stupid, rude or selfish to me. You're human, which means that you're allowed to be weak sometimes, because being strong every day will eventually wear you down. It's okay to not be coping, especially if you're dealing with it all on your own.

Loneliness is a real issue for a lot of people, even younger people such as yourself. You're definitely not alone in feeling how you do. If there a way you might be able to reconnect with some old friends? Perhaps you could reach out and have a chat with them and catch up, maybe meet up for a coffee if you're able too. I know it's hard when you're disconnected from people your age, but there might be a way to rekindle old friendships. I have certainly done so in the past, and this has led to regular contact with a few people which feels nice. Otherwise, maybe there are some groups you can join in your area with people of a similar age. This could be a hobby group, such as a book club or a photography group, or even an online group on a safe social media page. I know that these can't fill every gap by not having people you consider friends right away, but it's a good way to make new connections with people you know you already have something in common with.

I am sorry to hear that people have spread rumours about you. It's not a nice feeling to feel that people are staring, and I have dealt with similar situations before. I know it is hard to pretend it isn't happening, but rumours tend to pass quite quickly as soon as something more interesting comes along. When you're out in situations that are causing you stress and anxiety, bring something along with you to keep your mind busy. For me, either reading a book or listening to music which makes me feel happy can help. I also tend to choose seats on the bus which cause me the least anxiety, for example I will not sit at the back of a bus when it's during the school run, because school kids make me anxious. Perhaps you can try using some of these tools to help you cope with the feelings you have when you're out.

I think calling the crisis line was a good thing, and if you're struggling - especially at 3am if you have nobody to talk to - I encourage you to use them. These tools are there for people who need them, and it's okay to utilise whatever you need whenever you need it, to ensure you're safe. I would maybe suggest talking to a doctor too if you feel like you're unsafe. If you're having any bad thoughts, they might be able to direct you to somewhere that can help you learn how to cope with these and guide yourself through a tough time.

Otherwise, please know that TeenHelp is here for you any time. Feel free to post as often as you need, or message me any time you want to talk. You don't have to go through this alone. I know it's hard, but you're strong and there is help out there.

[Alpine]

Thanks you guys.

I know rumors tend to blow over, it's just that this one is so personal.
What happened was a family friend, a mother of two, was going through some difficult times with her little boy. My mother, I have no idea why, told her my story. The trauma I experienced when I was young and how we dealt with it. I think she meant to comfort but this woman heard something extremely different. She reported our house to social services. When I heard what she's saying about me to our friends and family, to her daughter who I was friends with, I broke down in the car.

She's saying really horrible, untrue things about me, but what hurts is that they are close to what actually did happen to me when I was really young. So when I tried to say hi to her daughter at the bus station, to see how things were going (They moved out their house, they were actually our renters.) she blew me off, wouldn't talk to me, and then her male friend challenged me from a group of six guys.

When I related the story to my mother, she commented "You're lucky you didn't get stabbed." Which I know was unlikely. But that didn't help with the stress, the anxiety.

I know I should find connection and I'm trying, but it's hard when I have to wonder what this girl is parroting from her mother to all her friends. She's a "street girl" in a way, one of the nicest people I know but also troubled. She partied a lot, did a lot of drugs... I'm still worried about her even now. Anyway, she knows almost everyone our age in town. I heard when she got in a dicey situation with an older man at a party, her friends broke into his apartment and trashed it. So I'm worried, for her getting into those situations but also about her friends breaking into my home. She knows where I live. I really hope I'm just paranoid.

I appreciate the advice to connect with old friends, but really I don't have any. I moved to my current city right before COVID hit, I'm homeschooled, so I haven't met anyone here yet. The last place I lived for more than six months was R and that was three years ago. I don't really know anyone there anymore.

I'm really appreciative of the chance to express all this. It really helps to "say" it all. And I feel self conscious, like I'm whining. I know my mother wouldn't approve, she's really hard when it comes to some things. So, sorry if I am, or if this thread doesn't really match the forum.