Triggering (SH): not sure anymore

[FONT=""][COLOR=""][SIZE=""]the depression is really settling in. i’ve been in quarantine since last march while my friends went back to school (i had to be an online learner while everyone else was in real school because my parents were worried about covid) but i’ve recently gotten fully vaccinated. because of this, i’ve been ready to see friends again. the issue is, i have no idea who my friends are anymore. everyone has been living their lives without me for over a year (i barely talked to anyone) and now i just don’t know what to do. i’m going back to school next year, and i just have no idea who my friends are. plus i’ve been really overwhelmed with family stuff at home, and i have no one to talk to. i’m pretty much the therapist friend to the few people i still talk to, so i have no one i can share what’s been happening with me. i’ve relapsed (sh) a few times in the past couple months, and everything just feels like too much right now. i’ll relapse and then hide the fact that i ever did it and put a smile on and pretend i’m fine in front of everyone even though i’m hurting. i don’t want to cease living, but i wish there was just a pause button on life. or maybe a restart. it’s my senior year, so i’ll graduate soon, but everything is going downhill and idk what to do anymore. i’m constantly anxious and depressed and i feel like i’m going to be numb again. i don’t want that to happen but it’s so overwhelming. no one truly knows me or is really close to me. i have nobody.[/size][/color][/font]

[Everglow.]

Hey

Thanks for reaching out. It sounds like covid has been a particularly hard year for you due to having to quarantine for so long. I can completely see why you're anxious and upset. Feeling like you've lost the connection to your friends because of all this can't be a nice feeling to have. I'm glad you're vaccinated now so that you can ease yourself back into life again though.

It might help for you to reach out to one or two of the friends you were close to before quarantine started and let them know you're coming back to school soon. Maybe you can drop them a text or message them on social media to let them know. If school seems a bit of an overwhelming place to begin, maybe you can arrange a phone call or video call before hand, or depending on your local restrictions, you could arrange a coffee date with them to catch up first. I understand the anxiety you're having about reconnecting with them, but good friends understand that life makes things complicated sometimes. I am sure that your friends will understand.

With everything going on, and everything you've had to deal with, don't be too hard on yourself about relapsing. You always have the chance to start again and work on that, and you're obviously a really strong person, so you will get there. If you're struggling with SH urges, there's an amazing page on TeenHelp which will offer alternatives to help you combat these, so feel free to check that out. I've found many of them really helpful in the past, so I hope they can help you too. In terms of feeling like the therapist friend though, I understand what you're saying in that because you've been the strong one, and helped others so often, it feels like you can't now be the one who needs help. Please know that this is not the case. You can be the one supporting your friends when they need to talk, but still break sometimes yourself and need their support in return. Don't ever feel like you can't reach out to them out of principle. You deserve to be supported just as much as they do, and I am sure your friends would rather have you talk to them, than suffer on your own in silence.

That being said, there are plenty of other ways you can also reach out for help if you're not doing so well. There are some amazing hotlines here which you can check out, for example. They're always handy to have on standby. But also, maybe you can chat to your parents or another trusted person and let them know you're struggling. This may be helpful in helping the anxieties you have about returning to school and reconnecting with friends too. It's not a weakness to ask for help when you need it. It's completely understandable that you feel isolated in dealing with this considering the lack of contact with other people you've had, but you're not alone. There are people who can help.

I hope this helps a bit.