Is it coming back

[Jennaholt]

I have a history of depression. First episode was around 10 years back. And then 3 more after that. It only got significantly worse each time it came back. And it would last longer than the previous time. My last episode lasted almost a year and I nearly killed myself.
After I got out of that episode, I tried to do things that made me happy and tried to keep triggers at bay. It worked for a while. I found something that I thought would pull me back up if ever I get depressed again.
But recent events have changed that. Since December, I haven't really been in touch with most of my close friends, as it felt like I was the only one putting it effort. January I started isolating myself because there was too much going on and I didn't even have time for myself. I knew I wasn't dealing with my issues well and I didn't want to, I had kind of gotten addicted to being happy or at least a false sense of happiness. "If I didn't deal with my issues, I didn't have any."
And then something happened that triggered my depression again. I didn't see it coming because the signs were all different this time. That lasted for a month. I completely cut everyone out, I cried all the time or slept a lot. I hurt myself. It went away by itself.
And then I had 2 good weeks. Today.. no reason. But I feel depressed. I don't know if it's a depressive mood or whether my symptoms are still present. I'm scared but also tired. I don't wanna go through this again. I don't care about getting better if it happens again. I'm tired.

[Everglow.]

Hey there,

I completely understand how it feels for depression to creep up in waves. That's how I tend to feel a lot of the time too - a few good weeks, a few bad ones, and then repeat. It's hard and tiring, and I understand why you're struggling to deal with that. I think anybody would.

I think it's important to try and remind yourself that even though you're going through a bad patch, in the past you've gotten through 100% of them. Even the really bad ones, where you nearly didn't make it, you still sruvived. You came through and you were happy again. It means that happiness is possible regardless of how bad things get. There will be an end to it and you will feel better. All of the proof you need is the past. This will come to an end too. So it's worth fighting through it for the happy parts when you reach them again.

Maybe it would help for you to reconnect with some of the people you distanced yourself from? I know it's hard when you feel you're putting in all of the effort, but company or communication can often help reduce feelings of isolation, and being around people who make you smile might make you feel a bit happier too, even for a short while. Also, think of the things you used to do which made the triggers easier to deal with. You say these things worked for a while, but maybe they can help again for a while. Getting through things like this is about taking it a moment at a time. A trigger at a time. It's okay to celebrate small successes, like avoiding a trigger to harm yourself, and smiling at something small. If the usual ways of coping aren't helping right now, have a look at some of the Alternatives TH suggests. There's quite a lot of really good suggestions there. Try a few, and see if anything helps even if it's for a short while.

Finally, I'm not sure what events triggered you to feel depressed, but I know that life events can play a huge role in influencing mood and relapses. I'm sorry that whatever it is you're going through is making you feel this way. I really hope that you find a way to work through it all. Are you receiving any support in real life at the moment? If not, would it be useful to think about looking into that? You can maybe have a chat with your doctor, or look for a therapist or professional who can help. There are sometimes people who specialise in certain life events, so maybe someone like that might help you work through the feelings you're having and find a healthy way to cope with them. It isn't a weakness to be struggling, and reaching out here is a really good step towards progress. Acknowledging that you're not okay right now isn't a bad thing. It gives you the space to allow yourself to heal again.

I hope this has helped a bit, but feel free to message me anytime if you'd like to talk. I hope you're doing okay.

[Jennaholt]

Yes, I know I got it of it last time. I can't imagine it possibly getting any worse than that. So when I'm feeling slightly okay, I remind myself that I can get through another episode if it comes to that. But this is not how I want to live, always on the look out for depression and assessing whether it was one bad day, a momentary sadness or it there's more to it. I'm tired of thinking and I'm tired of having to deal with this. I know that I should deal with it and that things will get better but I haven't had a break in months. Even when I try to isolate myself in the hopes that I wouldn't have to deal with other's shit, something comes up with them out of the blue. For example, last week, a good friend of mine made very homophobic comments out of the blue. I'm bisexual. We talked about it but it ended pretty badly. He was one of the few people I kept in touch with. I don't wanna talk to him anymore either. And the activity that I said helped me was something we did together. And when I see him, it makes me feel sick to my stomach.


As to what triggered it, I have a lot of self doubt. I was abused for years by a boyfriend. And while I was dealing with that, after the relationship ended, I had an abusive professor. That was the year long episode.

Another professor triggered it by saying some things and making me question myself recently. Since then, I've been feeling quite useless. I've been doing things I never thought I would do and I'm surprised by myself. These things should make me proud. But I don't feel good about myself at all.

As for therapy, I don't really have time for that right now. And my therapist has a busy schedule so it's been difficult to get a session. And a part of me doesn't wanna go back because I'm tired of having to deal with this day in and day out. As unhealthy as it sounds, I'm just tired.