Triggering (Suicide): depression, suicide, and being confused?

[FONT=""][COLOR=""][SIZE=""]does anyone else struggle with depression and suicidal thoughts but then, even though you think you need help you stop and feel like you shouldn't because you're supposed to be this way? idk Im struggling a lot rn. Yesterday I tied a cord around my neck but stopped after maybe 30 seconds but not even because I don't want to die, I just was too tired to try any more. school expects too much from me.[/size][/color][/font]

[Everglow.]

Hi there,

First of all, thank you for reaching out to us here. It sounds like you're dealing with a lot of really difficult things right now so reaching out is a huge step, especially considering what you've said in your post. I think it's easy to fall into the trap of thinking this is what life is meant to be like. Depression has this way of casting a shadow over everything else so what you're saying makes a lot of sense to me. I can promise you that life is definitely not meant to be like this, and you're definitely not meant to be suicidal. Suicidal thoughts are coming from a place of unhappiness - they're a symptom of something that's going on in your life which needs to be addressed. It's not something which is a part of you naturally. I think the fact you've thought about reaching out for help before is good, and I would definitely recommend following that up especially if you're getting to the point of attempting to hurt yourself. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, even if it doesn't feel like one right now. When you feel as if you are going to hurt yourself, it might be a good idea looking at this list of Hotlines as they're a really useful option which might help you.

I'm sorry that school seems to be expecting too much of you too. As someone who really struggled at times during education, I completely understand that and I know that it's often so overwhelming. There are loads of people in a very similar situation, and although you might feel alone, you're not. Is it possible to reach out to a guidance counsellor at school, or a trusted teacher, and explain that you're overwhelmed? There may be ways they can accommodate this, such as offering extensions on assignments or extra support for topics you find particularly hard. Often, when a school expects a lot, it's because they see a lot of potential. It's hard to deal with because the pressure they put on becomes so much harder to deal with, but it's possible that they see really good things in you which they want to encourage to grow more. It's important that you know that your life isn't school, though. School is important, but if it's making you feel stressed and overwhelmed and depressed, addressing that is really important, and reaching out is a good idea. Make sure you take as many breaks from studying etc as you feel you need, too. Go for a walk and get some fresh air if you're finding it difficult, or play some music in the background which lifts your spirits. Try small things which make you feel even a tiny bit better for the tinest time, and use as many of those little techniques as you can. It won't solve the problem, but it might help you slowly get past a bad day one minute at a time.

I hope this has helped a bit. Remember you're not alone, and you don't deserve to feel this way. If you need anything else you're always welcome to reach back out any time. Take care.

[Rivière]

Growing up, I used to think that I deserved to be unhappy. I used to think that my severe unhappiness was because I needed to be punished for the way I was behaving. I thought the things I said to people were bad, and that I wasn't a nice person. I expected far too much of myself and thought I deserved to be so unhappy that I didn't exist. I felt like I was being punished and I deserved it.

I used to struggle with suicidal thoughts quite often. Every time something bad happened, the same thoughts would trigger over and over. I wanted out. I wanted to leave. I didn't want to be here anymore. Sometimes the thoughts were so overwhelming and trying to fight back was exhausting. All I could think was, 'Why me?'. I didn't have a great life growing up, and that contributed to how I felt. Little things would add to the pile. A bad day at school. A friend refused to speak to me and not say why. I did badly in class. My home life was a mess. I felt like it was too much. I couldn't cope.

At the age of 18 I ended up in hospital for my 7th suicide attempt. I still remember being there with tubes sticking out of me. I remember the nurse speaking so loudly to her colleagues about an 18 year old female who attempted suicide. I remember the old lady on the bed opposite me looking at me. It felt like she was staring into my soul. I felt so ashamed. There she was struggling for her life while I just tried to take mine away. I've never attempted since.

The point I'm aiming to make here is, life is extremely difficult. It always will be. We go through ups and downs. We feel like we should feel X or Y feeling because we think we deserve it. We think we're meant to feel this way. We're not. The feelings you go through are temporary. They will subside. Your school situation is temporary. You're not going to be in school forever. You're going to finish school with great grades and you're going to look back on the hard times and realise just how strong a person you really are.

Have you considered chatting to someone about how you're feeling? Don't go through your feelings alone. Think about chatting to a friend, family member, or someone else. If you're not comfortable speaking with them, there are others you could consider chatting to such as those found here. In the event you feel suicidal again, please don't hesitate to contact one of the hotlines Hollie has linked. Your life is important.