Non-PG13 (Strong Language): what's even the point of living?

[FONT=""][COLOR=""][SIZE=""]Like the title says, what's even the point of living? It's not like anything I do actually does anything for anyone else, it's not like anything changes from me being alive for one year or ten years, it doesn't change the fact that I still die at the end either way. Besides, even if I feel accomplished for a few minutes, like getting a good mark on an assignment or something like that, it doesn't last, the feeling of why am I here, what am I getting out of this, what's the point? does. Its been getting harder for me every day, especially with all my assignments piling up, my parents not being accepting of me being trans, and all the other bullshit that happens day after day after day and every day at school, I look out the window and I get less and less scared. what do I do? I understand that I need help, these emotions are too much for me to handle but the last time I asked for help, my parents got mad at me and basically refused to let me out of their sight for 3 months, I cut myself and they constantly remind me of it purposefully when they say you did some stupid things when you were younger. Besides, the only difference between dying sooner or later is the amount of time you fuck around and wait for the inevitable.[/size][/color][/font]

[Arabesque- golfing girl.]

Hello and thank you so much for coming onto Teenhelp and telling us all about what you have been going through and you did a wonderful job coming on and telling us about this. I am so sorry that you are having a hard time with this right now and hope that you will be okay soon. When we feel like life doesn't matter anymore and we should just give up, it can be hard to see that little bit of hope in life. You said that your parents are not accepting you as who you are, would you be able to try talking with someone like the school counselor or a teacher at school about this and ask them to help talk to your parents, so they understand and can see you are a lovely person inside and out. I know that it is hard opening up to someone, would you be able to try letting one of them in to help? When you are having a hard time with this try to find something to get your mind off of this for a while, going for a walk or listening to music or watching movies or TV shows that are funny or painting or writing or drawing or anything else that you enjoy doing. I know you do not like life right now, if you are able to talk to someone and they can help out your parents and you, then you can see that it can get better with time. I hope that you will be okay soon.

[Everglow.]

Hey there,

Thank you for reaching out for support here, it sounds like you're dealing with a lot right now and I'm sorry to hear that. I can definitely understand some of the emotions you've been having as I've thought similar things myself, such as "what meaning does all of this have?". Sometimes the bad and hurtful things pile up so much it's hard to see over the top of them, and all the uncertainties about life get worse, and it's overwhelming. I think your feelings are justified, and it's good that you have reached out somewhere for that.

I get what you're saying about fleeting moments of accomplishment too. It's hard to see them as meaningful when you know that they will end. But the thing to remember is, just as the good feelings pass eventually, the bad do too. The problem is that they're more often than not more intense, and the very nature of negative feelings is that they blur out the good bits that lie beyond them. Something I found really helpful was to have a go-to resource of positivity which you can turn to when you're struggling. For example, I have a book I love next to me with sticky notes attached to pages with quotes which I find motivating. You can do something similar with a box of positive memories too. Maybe get an old shoe box, decorate it so you feel you've had some input on it, and inside it you can store things which make you smile, such as photographs of your friends, letters or birthday cards from loved ones, or little notes with quotes or inspiring text on them. When you're having a rough time, this is an item you can turn to which might remind you that you've had bad times before which have passed, and that this one will too. There are lots of really good things which don't go away just because a bad thing has come along.

I'm sorry to hear about the way your parents reacted to you reaching out for help. Sometimes a lack of understanding and awareness means that they react in ways which aren't helpful and that can be really hard to deal with. I'm not sure how old you are or what the laws and restrictions are on seeking help without you parents where you live, but is there perhaps a way you could speak to someone else? If you're at school or university, maybe there is a guidance counsellor or teacher you trust who you could talk to? If not, perhaps you can speak to your GP or doctor and see if there is anything they can do to help too. If you feel comfortable trying your parents again though, maybe you can put together some resources so that they understand your thoughts and feelings right now, especially with regards to you being trans. I know this topic in particular is hard for parents todeal with, but it isn't fair that you feel worse for them not being open to things you can't help. Definitely don't feel like you have to spoon feed them - it's 100% something they should be doing research on themselves in order to support you - but if you feel like it might help, maybe write them a letter with some links or articles which will better inform them, and open up to them that way? It's hard to deal with not being supported, so I hope that somehow you find a way to receive support.

I do think that it's possible your parents bring up the self harm as a way to remind you that it isn't a productive way to heal, but of course the way this comes across isn't helpful. It's very likely that they're worried about you, and with self harm that's often justified. Nobody wants to see someone they love resort to SH, and this might just be their way of trying to help. I would recommend trying alternatives to hurting yourself though as this is often a very slippery slope into addictive behaviours which will cause more harm than they do good. Self harm can be really damaging, and you don't deserve to hurt more than you already do. If you have a look here you'll find a tonne of amazing alternatives and distractions to harmful coping mechanisms which might help. Try a few out, and don't give up if they don't help right away or all the time. Recovery from things like this takes time, but it's worth the effort! I've found them really helpful myself so I hope you do too.

I hope I've managed to help a little bit here. If you ever need anything else you're always welcome to reach out here again. I hope you're doing okay and taking care.

There's a movie I like a lot, called To The Bone. I do NOT suggest watching it if you have an eating disorder or struggle with disordered eating. However, without giving too much of the plot away, at one point the main character asks her doctor what the point of all this is (all this being life). And he said something that some might find shocking: there is no point.

I am an atheist. I don't believe in God, or luck, or karma, or anything like that. I don't believe the divine put me here, or that I have some purpose in the universe. I may get in trouble for saying this, but it's what i believe, and it's what i believe about everyone else.

So no, there is no point. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't live. In a way, it's even more exciting, because you can forge your own path, without doing it for someone else, or questioning your "purpose."

That probably sounds stupid, I know. But two years ago I had *very* similar feelings to you, regarding the point of life and death. I felt ruined and angry that I was still here, despite just wanting to stop breathing. In the end, though, I am glad I didn't, or I wouldn't have found myself. I came out at trans last year and started transitioning, and yes, it's hard, especially when people don't accept me. But if I had died, I never would've realized the truth about myself, or come into my own. I never would've met some amazing people. I never would've learned I can stand on my own, that I can overcome adversity, that I am hardy and resilient. These are the things I discovered, and I am damn glad I lived because otherwise I would've missed out on so much joy.

I understand things suck right now, and I am sorry you don't have a solid support system. Do you have a school counselor to talk to, or maybe you could write your parents a letter letting them know what kind of support you need? You're very intelligent and insightful to realize you need help, and I hope the obstacles to getting it don't deter you. You are human, you have value, and you deserve to be able to create your own way. I promise that it does get better, especially once you're an adult and can make some of your own choices. Please don't give up. In the scheme of things, life is short enough. Why not try and find hope in the future, or to create joy in the present? Even doing one small thing a day that resembles anything like pleasure is a goodness. It's important to self-sooth like that.

I hope this was helpful. I know I related my experiences a lot, but that is how I sometimes connect to people. Please message me if you need anything. My inbox is always open. Take care.

[FONT=""][COLOR=""][SIZE=""]I don't know what to do b/c I just transferred to a new school this year and there is no one that I'm "close" with. I rarely hang out with people after school in the first place and at my new school I have only hung out with one person for half a year (which would be the same even w/out covid) and honestly like I've tried to convince myself to go to the counsellor's office but I just struggle with expressing myself, dealing with my parents' reaction if I mention sui**** and, like, I was diagnosed with clinical depression around 2 years ago and they reacted really poorly with it, getting mad and shit like that and I think im just scared of that happening again. There isn't really any trusted adult I can talk to either because, first of all, I don't have a trusted adult I feel comfortable sharing my feelings with, and second, I'm really shit at accepting anything people say like if im being complimented on something I just think They're just saying that because they have to, they don't mean it or if I say something about not being happy with the mark I get on an assignment or something and they try to say it's ok or something I just think they're just saying that because what else are you supposed to say in that situation because when it's the reverse, I say those things, but I usually don't actually mean them because I honestly just want to get out of the conversation as quickly as possible. That probably makes me sound like a jerk, and I probably fucking am, haha. Yeah, and like I've thought about trying to write about how I feel in a notebook but im always scared my parents will look through it, or ill lose it, someone will find it, and my life will become more shittier than it already is, without fail. any tips or suggestions would be great because I constantly feel like im about to shatter into a million pieces.
-Ross[/size][/color][/font]

It sounds like your brain is not very kind to you, and that's a shame because you are obviously an articulate, caring, and thoughtful person. The thing about brains, though, is that they often lie to us, or at the very least, distort the truth. Everyone goes through life with their own story shaped by their own experiences, but that can make us not to impartial when it comes to ourselves sometimes.

For example, I draw a bit, and I think my drawings look like shit. Everyone else tells me they're good, though. I've come to accept that I may not be the best judge, because I have a history of being down on myself. And it's multiple people saying they're good and I'm just one person saying they're not. It is really a shame how we all sabotage ourselves like this, because life could be so much more enjoyable if we weren't our own worst enemy.

Your situation sounds really tough and I am sorry for that. Would an anonymous crisis line help? I know you said you have trouble expressing your feelings so I thought it might be a bit easier if it was anonymous. There are resources at the top of the TeenHelp page, but personally I like Crisis Text Line. If you're in the US you just text HELP to 741741 and someone will be with you.

You can also journal, or maybe even blog here. The journal has the advantage of being private, which is nice because you can say whatever you want. But people can comment on a blog, so you might find some support there. I've been blogging on TH for years and I find it quite helpful.

I also suggest focusing on small goals, just little things to get through the day, and write them down. Like maybe you'll feel relaxed when the school day is over, or you can eat your favorite food for dinner. It can be hard to set out to achieve large goals, but doing small ones each day can help foster a sense of mastery and accomplishment, and that might help with your depression.

I hope this helps a bit. My inbox is open if you need to talk.