Depressed-low-vent

[FONT=""][COLOR=""][SIZE=""]I feel I was doing so well. Things have gone down hill. I do not see my psychiatrist nurse any more, i dropped out of therapy well keep canceling the appointment or keep moving it up. I stoped eating. I quit school. I haven't showerd in a month.

I hate myself . Nothing works. I was doing well had an ESL job and found a BPD support group. I try and try but nothing ever seems enough. Whatever I do is never good enough it seems so why should I keep trying.
It hurts. I want to belong. I want to be included.[/size][/color][/font]

[Everglow.]

Hey there,

Thank you for reaching out to people here, and I'm sorry that you're struggling so much with things at the moment. It sounds like a difficult place to be in.

When things are hard it's so easy to let all the little things pile up. Not showering, not eating, not funtioning. They're small things but they often seem like mission impossible. I understand how that feels, and I understand it must be even worse when you feel like your efforts are never enough anyway.

I heard a saying somewhere which was "anything worth doing is worth doing badly", and I think that could be helpful here. What that means is that right now, doing something might be better than doing nothing. You're struggling to eat full meals, so try and eat something easy, like a piece of fruit, some bread, or ready to eat food like frozen meals. They might not be the most nutricious, but they're much better than not eating a thing. Similarly, if you're struggling to find the motivation to shower, keep a flannel by the sink and wash your face every morning. Make sure you try and brush your teeth, even if it's just for 30 seconds, because doing something is better than not doing anything. A small amount of productivity might help you feel slightly functional, which might help you feel like you're at least achieving something. In the same way, it might be good to write yourself a small to-do list each day. Make it achievable and easy, like "make the bed" and "make a cup of tea". They don't need to be huge missions, but just things which, at the end of the day, you can tick off a list to make it seem like a day not wasted.

I do feel like maybe seeing your therapist again could be helpful for you, but I know that sometimes it can be overwhelming to think about something like that. Maybe work your way up to it by sending an e-mail if you can just to let them know you've been struggling. If that seems too much, you could always write in a letter what you might want to say to them in person. It's not the same and you don't have the human contact involved there, but it's a catharsis - you get it out of your system and onto some paper, and maybe it will help you get it out of your head for a while. If you choose to do something like this, you could also try writing affirming notes for yourself too. Instead of saying "I don't belong", write down something about you which is good, like "I care about others". It's a slow process in believing in yourself, but you are good enough and you do belong. It's just sometimes hard to see and believe that. But working on self hatred is so important. It starts with you - even if you don't believe the good things you're writing about yourself, write them. Put them somewhere you can see them, and slowly let yourself believe that they could be true.

I hope this has helped a bit. I know things are hard for you, but I do believe you can get through this. It might take some time, but you'll get there. Remember you can always reach out again if you need anything, and that we are always here if you need us. Take care.