Triggering (Suicide): I feel stuck.

[Soda_Voxel]

I've been having intense and detailed thoughts of suicide as of late. But I've also felt the intense need to carry on, because I need to be there for those I love. I feel so conflicted. I've said it many times in many places but to me, suicide feels inevitable. It's like how some people are destined to become a singer or get married - I'm just destined to die by suicide.

But on the other hand, I do feel hope - or at least I force myself to feel hope, because people need support. I can't leave my friends like this. And, well, I guess dying isn't tremendous. In all honesty, I don't want to die - I just really hate living the life I have.

While I know that none of it is really true - I've heard it time and time again, trust me - I can't help feeling toxic, ugly, useless, helpless, untalented, stupid, and more. I feel like a failure when I don't behave a certain way, feel certain things, or enjoy certain interests. I see my friends doing cool things, going to school, being social or feeling certain ways or just impressing me in so many ways, and I feel like a failure because I can't be all of that.

I've been suicidal for quite a long time now but recently it's been awful. I've started to plan things. No dates, nothing that serious - but I imagine how i'd do it. And I'm starting to get less scared of the idea. And the fact that I'm not very scared of it anymore...scares me. I feel like I'm split in two: one part of me is innocent, young, hopeful and wants to live; but the other is violent, angry, depressed, and just wants to die in any way possible.

I feel so stuck. Every time I try to put in effort to get better, I always go back to square one so fast - be it an argument with a friend, self harming out of frustration and self-loathing, feeling hopeless and giving up, accidentally upsetting someone, executive dysfunction making me too "lazy" to put in the effort to get better......it's just so much. I want to get better. But it's just...so much effort.

I don't know what I expect to hear from typing this. I don't even know if I'm looking for support, advice, or just want to get this out of my head. I don't know anything anymore.

I'm confused, I'm hopeless, and I'm really, really scared.

[Everglow.]

Hey,

I'm sorry to hear you've been struggling with this, especially for so long. The fact things are getting worse as well isn't nice to hear and I'm glad you've reached out, even if you're not 100% sure what you're hoping to get from doing so. TeenHelp is here for that very reason - we're not trained therapists, doctors or professionals, but what we are is fantastic listeners, often with experiences and tools which can hopefully help in some way. So coming here is good, and something you should feel proud of doing.

The conflict between hopefulness and hopelessness sounds like a real challenge to deal with, and I can appreciate how hard that must be. Juggling conflicting thoughts like that probably takes up a lot of brain space and impacts a lot of what you do. I've seen you post some poems in the self expression forum, and I'm just wondering if you write often? Writing might be a good way to filter out the bad thoughts from the good, and maybe even reassure yourself that the hopefulness comes from a place inside of you that wants to overcome the hardships you're facing. You could write poetry which reflect how you feel, what you're challenged by, and what you'd like to achieve. You could also try journalling or blogging (this site has a really wonderful blog feature which many users, myself included, find to be a really good outlet).

I think it's really easy to see other people enjoying things and seeming put together, and to feel worse about yourself as a result. There's a huge culture of this on social media and so I can assure you that you're not alone in this. I know this is hard but try not to compare yourself to others. We all have different likes, different safe-spaces, different preferences and lives, and that's okay. You shouldn't feel less than anyone else because you're not doing the 'cool' things you see them doing. What are some of your interests? Why are they not perfectly good enough? The main thing is, you're enjoying things that bring you joy, and as long as you're not hurting anyone else, then that's good enough. Please don't ever feel like a failure because those interests might not be the same as someone elses.

Would it help if you found clubs or groups where people have similar interests to you? At school, do you have clubs available you could join? Perhaps you could look in your local area too and see if there's anything you might like. This way, as well as having friends whose interests are different to yours, you may meet people who have similar interests. Not only will you broaden your friendship group, but you'll also have people who you identify with, who you don't feel the need to compare yourself to. Of course if this isn't something you want to do, that's fine too. You're not and never will be a failure for being yourself.

I understand that feeling of being stuck. Recovery from something such as feeling suicical will always involve bad days, and you're allowed to feel anger, frustration and hopelessness sometimes. Recovery is hard. It doesn't make you lazy to struggle, it makes you human. Nothing worth doing is every easy, and this is one of those things that takes work. It tires your brain out, it produces negative feelings; all of those things are a part of what you're going through. Try your best to be kind to yourself. Let yourself know that you're not weak because you feel these things, you feel these things because they're a part of the problem. If you can, try and give yourself some sort of structure to your days so that you don't have too much time to get yourself into a rut. On your free days, have a vague idea of what you want to achieve. Set yourself some small goals, even if it's just making your bed in the morning, having a wash and eating three square meals. Small, managable goals can be helpful in uplifting your mood as it gives you a feeling of accomplishment and productivity. They all take effort too, obviously, but minimal effort is still better than nothing. If you get up and you feel like you really can't shower, or go for a walk, then wash your face, get some air out the window. Anything worth doing is worth doing badly, because it beats not doing it at all.

Finally, I said before to be kind to yourself, and I think this is really important. Life comes with the bad stuff. Arguments, relapses, emotions - they're all a part of existence. If you're having a bad day, and you relapse, or you find yourself spiralling, acknowledge it. Take note of what led to that, maybe even write it down. You've survived every single one of your worst days so far, and even if there's a little bit of hope left, it's worth holding onto.

It's really good that you reached out to us here. Dealing with negative thoughts, especially harmful ones like suicidal thoughts is a scary and isolating thing to go through, and opening yourself up to others is a positive way towards overcoming this slowly but surely. If you feel comfortable and you are able, it might be worth considering professional help too. Support groups or therapy mgiht be a really beneficial way to get additional support, especially as you say you feel suicide is inevitable, and you've been going through this for so long. It's okay to be scared and confused, but it's so much harder to do all of that alone.

I hope I've offered some tips which might help you here. Please know that the forums are here any time you need them, and my inbox is always open if you want to chat. You've got this. Bad days will end, but better ones are always possible, so it's so so worth holding on for those. Try and keep your chin up if you can.

Take care

[Rivière]

Firstly, it's perfectly ok to feel the way you do. You're in the right place to express it, and you're not alone in how you feel either.

A good way of helping yourself in moving away from suicidal thoughts is to understand why you're feeling the way you do. Establish what it is that makes you feel suicidal - what it is that causes you to feel such a low mood that you reach a point that you think, 'I'd rather not be here'. I know that you've mentioned some of it. You said you feel toxic, ugly, useless, and so on. However, look deeper and beyond that. What exactly makes you feel toxic? What makes you feel useless? I understand that you feel like a failure when you don't behave a certain way, feel certain things etc.

You also mentioned about your friends and their behaviours and accomplishments. Could it be that this is the source of your problem? It's completely natural to compare one's self with others. Everyone does it. We use it as a measurement of progress, success, failure, and many other things. The issue is that the more you compare yourself t your friends, the more you'll end up putting yourself down and beating yourself up over everything you're doing. It's human nature to try and be somebody else but ourselves. For example, it's common for people to be thinner because they compare themselves to media and the stereotypical female look. If someone doesn't achieve the look of somebody else, it can be quite damaging. However, it's once you realise that you have no need to compare yourself to somebody else that you begin to recover. This is because unfortunately, we cannot truly be anybody else but ourselves.

Your friends may behave in a certain way, be successful in their own way, but that doesn't mean to say they don't experience the exact same thoughts and feelings as you. They may not show it. For example, during my time at university, my friends considered me an over-achiever. If I didn't get 90% on my assignments then I considered myself a failure and I'd beat myself up about how badly I'd done. I'd compare myself to my friends and how much better they did than me. The thing was, I did get good grades. Sure I got 88% rather than 90+ on some assignments, but it wasn't the end of the world. I still got great grades and came out with a first class honours degree despite having 2 learning disabilities, borderlining on ADHD, and suffering sever depression.

My point is, there's more to comparing yourself to another person. Just because they can do X or Y thing doesn't mean everything. Think about what you can do that they can't. By this I mean think of all the good things you can do, and have done, despite your situation. I understand you may think, 'I can't do anything'. I assure you that simply isn't true. Every single human being has their niche that makes them better than those around them. Sometimes it just takes time to realise it.