Non-PG13: This has been going on for so long and im so tired

[PureShadow]

I was diagnosed with clinical depression as well as at high suicide risk like 3 years ago but I had group therapy and it was honestly one of the worst experiences of my life and I ended up convincing my parents i was ok because they got mad at me for self-harming and wanting to die. another reason i told them that is that I was completely stripped of all my privacy by them and it was if I couldnt do anything without them babying me (I was 13 then). Thing is.. nowadays I cant stop wishing i killed myself then. I dont know what to do this is stopping me from doing anything i have no motivation to do anything related to school or having any social life. i need help for this but even though im seeing a therapist related to trans-related stuff i cant bring myself to ask for help because of all the shit my parents put me through for half a year and im just so worn out from non-stop thinking about suicide its getting so hard fucking hell i dont know what to do I just want it to stop is this just going to go on until i die?

[ladoglover]

I hear that you’re struggling with depression and feel stuck because of your parent’s tight rules. These teenage years are hard because you may feel like an adult but are not one yet. So, your in between almost an adult but not quit one yet and wanting freedom but parents still controlling you (baby you).
It is tough and you are not alone. You have a right to feel this way and any way you want to feel. Feelings are not bad or good, they just are what they are. Its okay to feel what you feel.

Millions of teenagers go through this with there parents, wanting independence but having parents not willing to let go. I get it, I do. My parents when I was younger were very controlling but as I got older, they became less controlling. My parents also don’t respond the right way either in situations. I get that too. Its invalidating and hurtful when parents don’t respond in a way they should. Killing yourself is a permanent decision to a temporary situation. The situation you are in now is temporary and life will not always be this way. You will go off to college and have independence. Your parents will not always control you. I know depression makes you feel that things will never get better, but depression is a liar. That is not true. Things will get better. You’re a teenager this is normal wanting independence and not having it yet. Parents fighting to let go. Its all normal and it won’t be forever.

One day like I said you will be an adult and be independent.
Have you thought about asking your therapist if you could have a session at least one time with just your mom or both parents so the therapist can teach them boundaries? I feel that would be very beneficial as therapists know this is a common issue with adolescents is their parents not respecting boundaries/ letting them have some freedom because the parent or parents don’t know how to set rules/boundaries and communication issues between teenager and parents is also a big issue. Do you think if your parents had the tools to create boundaries with you and the tools to know how to properly respond to things it would make things easier? Your therapist could give your parents the tools to respond to you in a more loving, validating way. For example, if you had a therapy session with your parents or just one you could say to them when I cut myself and you yelled at me it felt very invalidating and hurtful. Your therapist would then give your parents the tools on a better way to respond to you when you cut. Not just cutting but also how to respond better when your upset, crying and so on as well.

Do you not trust your therapist to keep what you say to her or him confidential? Could you ask your therapist what is the confidential policy again, what will you tell my parents and won’t? I am so glad your in therapy. Its helpful to not keep all these feelings inside. I want to encourage you to please tell your therapist what you’re feeling. Tell her these are just thoughts and you have no plan to act on them. Your therapist can not help you if you do not tell them everything. It would be like going to the doctor and only telling them half your symptoms and because you only told them half well then they can’t treat you properly or not at all because they were not told all the symptoms. Maybe an antidepressant could help you, speak to your therapist. If you are in crisis, please reach out to a crisis line or call 911.

Is there any sports, clubs, or hobbies you can get interested in to keep yourself busy and spend more time away from your parents, even if it’s just in your room alone doing the hobby or participating in the club over zoom because of COVID? Do you have at least one friend you could hang out with to not be at your parent’s house so much? You said you were lonely but was not sure if you had some people you know of that maybe you could get to know more.

You’re struggling and hurting right now, I see that. You are strong. These adolescent years are tough. You will get through this. I know you are strong. You matter

[PureShadow]

The main problem I have with talking to my therapist about shit that's actually kind of important, like wanting to die is that they will then tell my parents because they have to and then I will just head right back down the rabbit hole, essentially fucking myself yet again. I'm screwed either way because I either tell her, then she tells my parents, I lose all my freedom and they get mad at me for being depressed and suicidal and I want to kill myself or I don't and I keep my freedom and I still am pretty fucking depressed and suicidal. I wish everything could just be fucking confidential. fuck.

[ladoglover]

I would ask your therapist to talk to your parents. I get it trust me. My parents are the same. They do not know how to talk properly in situations. They get mad at me if I go to the mental hospital, saying its too expensive and your fine so just come vent to me at home you will be alright. Its invalidating and hurtful that they don't take my emotions and feelings seriously and invalidate them by acting like im just being over dramatic or something when Im not. Also, with cutting when I was cutting. They did not respond in the right way either. When I was a teenager and was doing it I didn't tell them. But then my mom found out some how and responded in the wrong way to knowing I wanted to cut. It was hurtful, invalidating an there was no empathy or compassion.

Oh and also it sucks again how weird and hurtful my parents are that a long time ago when I was in my early 20 and was seeing therapist if I said I wanted to kill my s elf the therapist would call the cops to my house JUST FOR A CHECK UP they didn't take me to the hospital nothing. My parents got all mad about that saying OMG the cops are at are house what did you do ,why would you say your going to k yourself when you aren't. Again no compassion, no validating, no caring , no empathy and them being weird because why is it a big deal the cops come to are house when its just to check up whats the harm in them just coming to see if im alight . SO that hurt too how weird and mad they got just for cops coming to the house to check on me thats it, check on me and then they leave. I learned because of my parents not to say im going to k myself ever again to a therapist as the cope would be called and if living with my parents they will get mad.

My parents, I do not know if yours are the same. But my parents they refuse to change there ways its so hurtful and annoying so for me geting them to talk to the therapist was pointless as they refuse to change their ways its annoying. But if your parents are the kind that seem to be wiling to change if given the right tools and parenting skills then it wouldn't hurt to ask your therapist to talk to them. It could be as simple as having your therapist talking to your parents over the phone instead of over zoom or in person. Your therapist could just make a phone call to your parents. You should explain to your therapist that you want her or him to tell your parents how to respond in a better way to you and to respond in a more validating and caring way. Your therapist can give your parents the tools and skills to do that.