Triggering (Suicide): Depression growing worse

[FONT=""][COLOR=""][SIZE=""][FONT=""][COLOR=""][SIZE=""]I've been struggling for the past month or so with my depression, I believe it started with a change in our management, we used to have a really good boss, and the new one is terrible and makes everyone feel "not good enough." Living with Depression I've constantly fought the feeling of "not enough," and "too much," and I finally felt like I had it down, and now I just feel the same way all over again.

It's really dripped into my personal life, I'm very good at masking my feelings so that I'm not a burden to those around me. They know I'm struggling, but I don't let them know every time because that would be daily, and way to much. I'm also struggling with feeling like I'm not loved, which I know is my depression lying to me. I can be having a good time with friends, and as soon as I leave, I'll take one thing that happened and spin it out of context until I'm convinced that they don't actually like me... it's hard to reach out when one hour you're good, and the second you leave, you're not.

I've made a doctor's appointment with my primary care doctor, per my counselor's wishes. I haven't had the best experiences with Depression medication's in the past, and I'm not sure if I'll go through with actually taking them... I have mentioned this to two of my best friends, and they said they would support me however, even if I needed to stay at their place for a few nights.. it's just hard, because I've always been able to do this without medication, and I don't know, this time feels different. I feel stuck.

I've also been having suicidal ideation (no plans, just sometimes I don't want to exist), I haven't told my friends about this, even though I promised I would if it got this bad. Again, this would be a "stay at my place for the night," sitituation... but I just, I don't want to do this to them... same with my self-harm feelings, I'll give over razorblades if needed but I don't want to take them up on their offer of staying with them.

I'm allowed to show up to them whenever, I don't need to call or text, just walk in. If their not there I can still just stay until they come home. I just every time I go to go over without it being a "proper," hang out, I freak and I don't. I don't know why I refuse to allow people to help me... especially these two, they're my best friends, and they both work in the mental health field like I do... so they get it. I know they would do anything, but I just can't reach them...

I don't know why I'm like this, or what to do... I'm hanging out with them tonight and my fiance will be there too, so I know for today, I'll probably be "happy," but by tomorrow, I'll have crashed and burned again... so I guess I'm struggling. Any ideas on what I can do?[/size][/color][/font][/size][/color][/font]

[Arabesque- golfing girl.]

Hello and thank you so much for coming onto Teenhelp and telling us about what you have been going through and I am so sorry for all of this and hope that you will be okay soon. I think that it is wonderful that you have some friends who will help you out with this and you are able to stay with them too. When we are able to open up to our friends, it is nice because we are not keeping everything to ourselves and we keep getting upset more. You said that you we're going to the doctor to get some help with this and if you do not like or want to take what they have given you, then would you be able to try making another doctor's appointment and talk with them about how you do not want to take what they are giving you and see if they can help you without having to take anything. If it is hard talking to them about this face to face then maybe try writing a letter and put everything in it that you need to say and give it to them to read. This way it is easier for you to talk to them. When you are having a hard time with this try doing something to get your mind off of this for a while. That can be reading or drawing or calling a friend or putting on a funny movie or TV show or listening to music or something else that you enjoy doing to help you. I hope you will be okay soon.