I need to kill myself

[Tigereyes]

That's it. I could give you a trilogy of my life but there's no point anymore. I've delayed killing myself for years to avoid hurting people and incase it gets better.

Well it hasn't and it never will. There are 1-3 new crises per day, every day for the past 6 months. Before that, it was only a new crisis per week.

There are a few people who care. I know. I feel bad. No, I don't hate myself anymore. I just can't fix anything in my life because all the problems are beyond my control. But I'm tired of suffering so much just to avoid hurting people. There is no hope. There is no end in sight.

[Arabesque- golfing girl.]

Hello, I am sorry that you have not had a reply yet and I am sorry that you are having a hard time with this and hope that you will be okay soon.

Would you be able to try finding one person that you can talk to about this? I know that it can be hard opening up about what we are going through and asking for help. When we are able to find someone to talk with and let them in, it can help because we are not keeping it all just to us. Also when you are having a hard time and you are not able to find anyone, try going onto the https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ They have a chat area and you can also call them to talk. I really hope that you will be okay soon.

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way and that you've only gotten one response!

How are you feeling now? Have things changed at all for you, even if just a little bit?

[Tigereyes]

I've already talked to many people for the past over a decade. Most eventually left me for being too negative. I have no way to meet anyone else and can't connect with anyone, and often talking makes me feel worse because most don't understand and say hurtful things or they can't handle my problems on top of their own crises. Yes they have told me so, many times. Talking won't solve any of my problems anyway. Talking won't make anything better, and I'm tired of wasting my limited energy that will never improve by explaining the same horrible life story over and over just to give context to people.

Things have changed, yes. For the worst. Everything just gets worse by the day. I'm about to be rejected by my parents for being queer. I'm not coming out to them, never wanted to, but if I stay alive, I can only hide so long. My mom will never get over it for sure. The rest of my extended family makes my parents looks super liberal and accepting--they aren't. 9 years ago, I tried to force myself to be anything but what I am. I don't have a safe space or a found family people say to turn to. I'm not welcome by many in the LGBTQ community. No, it won't get better if I stay alive. There's a new crisis every single day. For the past 6 months. Then TONS of trauma from years before, since I was 10. Talking won't fix a single thing. Talking makes me feel more isolated and alone. I am also trapped here for the forseeable future because people are cool with me dying if I get covid; no one cares about us high-risk people and say we should stay home forever or die.

[Arabesque- golfing girl.]

Hello,

I am sorry that you are still feeling like this and I hope that you will be okay soon or feel a little bit better. When we talk to someone, that can be our friends or a family member or a therapist or counselor or someone on a helpline chat, it can help because what we are going through and keeping it to ourselves then we are able to let go of that feeling because we we're able to talk about this. Sometimes when we are keeping everything to ourselves, it can bring us down and we feel so many different things. I'm sorry about how things are happening all the time, try not to put on the news because this can upset us and make us feel so many things. Do something to get your mind off of this for a while, try listening to music or drawing or painting or writing or putting on a funny movie or TV show or try something else that you like to do and I hope that you will be okay soon. Hugs

[Tigereyes]

My 2 friends can't handle all my problems on top of their own. My family yells at me and puts me down, doesn't believe my chronic illness is disabling, encourages me to work myself into the hospital, is homophobic, and doesn't believe in the pandemic, doesn't believe in mental illnesses, etc. So my parents would never love who I really am. I hate being me, I hate being queer. Therapy is great for people who have money, but unfortunately, not everyone has that privilege. I went in college when it was "free" but haven't had financial resources since because jobs are crap pay for long hours just to afford food and rent, and student loans require every spare penny. I have talked about all this over and over and it doesn't fix anything, and everyone is tired of listening. And I do need to watch the news because I need to know how dangerous it is to go outside during the pandemic and which of my rights I'm going to lose next and when. I'm numb to that 5 months ago anyway. Problem is no one cares if I die--95% of people refuse to wear masks and social distance, and they get in my face literally if I'm forced to briefly leave my tiny apartment to get food or something. Whatever though, I'll kill myself before I die of covid because I refuse to die that way.

Update: Yep, I'm going to lose my human rights soon.

[Emma63]

No place for regrets in our lifes, just be happy

[Tigereyes]

Originally Posted by Emma63

No place for regrets in our lifes, just be happy

I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt here and assume this has good intentions. But if someone says they have been abused, traumatized, have no support, no resources, are losing basic human rights, and are extemely suicidal, I strongly recommend never saying this kind of thing. Because I can't think of a single reason to be okay, let alone something as ridiculous as happy, when not a damn thing in my life is okay right now. My life has never been worse. I fought hard for a decade and a half to be happy while being abused, traumatized, and poor, and it doesn't work like that. Please don't say stuff like this to suicidal people, as this adds to guilt for not being happy despite our lives being so bad that the only thing we can focus on is how death would be best.

I'm here, I care. If you want to talk you can pm me. I might not be able to offer much advice but I can listen.