I can't go on anymore

[Tigereyes]

TW: abuse mention

Things have gotten increasingly worse the past 14 years. I'm at the end of my rope, and very immediately, it's going to get many, many times worse than ever for many years. My past abuse as a child is a joke in comparison to this. I don't want to die, but I'd rather die quickly than slowly.

[Tigereyes]

Disregard this. I give up.

[Arabesque- golfing girl.]

Hello, I am so sorry that you are having a hard time with this and really hope that you will be okay soon.

When things keep going wrong we can keep getting upset and feel like it doesn't matter anymore because it is not going to get better and I'm so sorry that is how you have been feeling. Would you be able to try talking to someone and letting them know how you have been feeling. Talking to someone can help because when we are having a hard time with something, it can help us to feel better. We have been keeping it all to ourselves and we are able to talk about it. Can you try talking to a friend or family member when you have time. I know that it can be hard to just open up about something, if you are not able to talk to someone face to face, then can you try writing a letter and put everything in it that you have been going through and ask to talk about it with them.

Can you try finding someone to stay with so that you are not alone? Try to find something to get your mind off of this so that you are not thinking about this, going for a walk or listening to music or drawing or painting or putting on a funny movie or TV show or something else that you enjoy doing. I hope that you will be okay soon. Sending you hugs to help you.

[Tigereyes]

I won't be okay soon though. I'm actually okay with that; I can survive until a certain point if it'll get better. But there's reason to believe it won't ever get better, that it will only continue to get worse--maybe for years or decades, maybe forever.

I've tried talking to people. They either don't understand or can't help me. Everyone I can talk to is a new adult like me, and half of us have parents who aren't supportive and accepting. My parents will likely never support me. My job has been slowly killing me and destroying my sense of self by forcing me to do things I am morally against. For low pay. I survived it to save and not get evicted from my apartment. Then I was supposed to sacrifice my life for this job, so I finally quit. Now I have trauma to work through for that, again with minimal support. I have enough money to last until the end of my lease, and that's maybe it. I will have $0 and $30k of debt after that. My parents don't know yet that I quit, and I don't want them to know. They think I'm being stupid. I know there's real financial concern, but I cut out all spending for many years (besides necessities) to give myself my best chance. I did the math. They think COVID is fake. They think my chronic illness is not a disability. I'm tired of trying to explain my pain to have it invalidated and laughed at by my own parents. Not to mention that I'm aro ace and nonbinary; I'm not out to my parents and never intend to come out to them because they won't support me. They don't even believe in those identities, and my mom is quite homophobic.

I'm currently not living alone, but I'm still paying my full rent until my lease is up in 6 months because I can't break the lease, even if I die. I still have space alone. I have felt hopeless like this for years. Kept pushing myself through it for it to only keep getting significantly worse. I can't take the pain, stress, and fear anymore. I deserve better than this constant suffering. I have fought so hard to get better, despite people including my parents telling me to go back to the person I was before. Nothing will change anytime soon. Not for the better at least. Distracting myself doesn't work with nothing meaningful in my life. It might help for an hour out of 24 hours, but it's constantly on my mind. Distracting myself doesn't fix the lack of financial resources I have or the lack of emotional support available to me. Extra money would at least allow me to get therapy, but I have no way to get enough money for that anytime soon (even if I hadn't quit my job, it was nowhere near enough). I'm just so exhausted, and doctors won't even treat my fatigue that I have done research on and believe has another medical cause. I'm just done.

[Mallika]

Hi there,

Thank you for reaching out. I'm sorry that it's been so tough for you.

First of all, I'm happy that you quit your job. It takes real strength to prioritise your physical and mental health over financial demands. Also, it's terrible that you've had to do a job that went against your moral standards and brought so much toxicity into your life. It's also good that you have enough to last you for a few more months, though there is the looming worry about debt. I understand that you are still healing from the trauma from your previous job, but perhaps you might want to find a way to channelise your time now into something you've always wanted to do? Perhaps another job that sounds interesting/you'd like to venture into? It might not sound like much right now, but once you put yourself out there in a role that you like, it will be a form of support system (both emotionally and financially) and might help you cope with the after-effects of your previous job.

I second what Emma said, that is to reach out to someone to talk to, but I can see that it hasn't worked for you. Instead, I'd advise you to reach out to these groups of people: support groups in your local area and/or professional therapists/counsellors. For the former, you can do a Google search - usually there are these support groups that convene at community centres that provide guidance and advice. You'll also get an opportunity to meet others who've been in your shoes and hear about their experiences; that will give you some ideas about how you can better cope with your circumstances. From my knowledge, these are free of cost. For the latter, again, if you're able to visit a professional therapist or psychologist, that might also go a long way. I understand that finances are an issue currently, which is why it might be a good idea to either start meeting support groups first and then opt for therapy once you've sought out a better job opportunity. If that's not an option, perhaps you might want to contact an old friend or a trustworthy individual who have known and ask if they might be able to help you out financially, so that you'll be able to get therapy?

I'm so sorry that your parents have also not been supportive about your mental health and your sexual identity. Unfortunately, there has been no place for these in traditional parenting. It's something many of us face, but don't let it deter you. If our parents aren't able to accept us as we are, we have to seek support elsewhere, preferably in a community of individuals who are just like us. Perhaps you might want to search for communities/organisations in your area where you can meet new people who identify a similar way as you? Sometimes we underestimate the power of community; it makes a big difference in our outlook on matters.

I have one more little tip: have you tried listening to podcasts? Jay Shetty and Gaur Gopal Das, for example, have these free podcasts/videos on YouTube or through the podcasts app if you have an iPhone. People say that it sounds preach-y, but these podcasts have helped people all over the world. Hearing fresh perspectives from someone else might broaden our outlook on our live and might help us cope with our difficulties. It might help you, why not give these podcasts a listen?

You've had to deal with very difficult things, both in recent times and as a child, and these experiences leave a lasting impression on us. Understandably, it has come in the way of your life. However, nothing is permanent in the world. Good things come to an end, and so do bad things. You've no doubt been through a lot, but if you choose to give up now, you'll never get to meet good times that might be in store for you. Sometimes all it takes to change one's fate is a good friend, a job you love and a sense of renewal. Obviously, these are easier said than done, but the reality is that there is some good in the world; it's not that it is eluding from us, rather, we have to just want for the right moment. I know it's sounding quite philosophical here Have you heard of the Phoenix? The mythological creature that rises from the very ashes it gets burned into? This is its process of self-renewal, and it gives a relevant message for all of us - tomorrow can be your clean slate where you opt to start anew.

Finally, remember that you can always DM me if you'd like to talk or vent about anything. If anything, it might help you get a load off your chest.

Take care, and I'm rooting for you!

[Tigereyes]

Problem is, I may not be able to get another job for a long time. COVID is increasingly worse here, so it's dangerous for me to be in contact with lots of people. Places aren't hiring and aren't offering remote work. It took 5 months and 500 total job applications to get the job I had. I'm not a bad candidate, but there's always someone better, with more experience. If anything, it'll take longer for me to get a job now. I don't have the financial resources to survive that long without a job. My job options are also limited due to my disability. I also don't know what I want to do. I didn't expect to live this long. I have no long term plan. Pay bills and pay off student loans. Those are my goals in life, and they are quite far out there... I don't have anything I've always wanted to do that is realistic.

I have a hard time with support groups, especially online only. I can sit and listen, but it doesn't help enough. I can't share and I don't trust people enough to push myself to do that. Less so now that I have many times been forced/guilt-tripped into sharing or made to feel horrible for not. I've gone to recovery groups for years, but I'm ignored because I'm not outgoing enough. People say ignorant things and make me feel worse. So I've fallen out of it. I'd rather have a professional therapist, but no one I know can help me out enough financially. Everyone needs therapy, no one can afford it. Rent alone is $1100, plus I need food. That's all I spend money on. I got a fairly cheap apartment. I already skip most of my doctor appointments too because it's so expensive.

I don't have a community and don't know where to find one. I haven't made meaningful friendships in years. College was lonely. I live in a new city yet again and have for a year, and I still haven't met anyone outside of my coworkers. I don't fit in with a lot of queer groups because a lot of them don't accept asexuals and nonbinary people as LGBT. I still don't fit in with ace groups (which are all online) because they have to prove that not everyone is the stereotype ace, so I'm excluded.

I'll try listening to the podcasts sometime, but I'm barely able to get my unemployment stuff done on time.

[Tigereyes]

It still progressively getting worse. It is unbearably bad. I can't hold on anymore.

[Dawn.]

Hi there,

I'm so sorry to hear what you are currently going through. I can't even begin to imagine how you feel. I can definitely sympathise with you in regards to your job situation as I'm in the same boat. I'm currently working full time for a company that I don't want to work for anymore but I can't leave due to my financial situation. If you need to talk, I'm only a message away.

[Tigereyes]

I only left my job to not die of COVID. If I'm going to die now, that's not the way I want to go. I already feel like my body is failing me on a regular basis. If I somehow didn't die, despite being high risk, I'd have even worse permenant disabilities. Which means I'd never be independent, can't pay someone to take care of me, and my parents think I fake my chronic illness. I was going to continue enduring the trauma at my job for another year or two to not have a financial crisis with no hope of getting out. I don't want to keep staying alive only to suffer worse and worse. It doesn't matter what I do to get better. I've made a lot of progress there considering how few resources I have. But if life won't stop giving me a new crisis every fucking day, I can't go on. There's no point. There's a limit to how much a person can handle with no help. I can't afford better help that I've needed for years. I likely will never be able to.

[Tigereyes]

There's been at least one new crisis every single day. Everything has only gotten worse. It's about to be confirmed that it's only going to get worse.