Suicidal about COVID-19?

[Tigereyes]

I don't know where else to put this. Please feel free to move it.

TW: chronic illness mention, COVID-19, thoughts of suicide and death due to illness, debt.

I'm high risk for severe illness if I get COVID-19. My workplace might make me go back next week when it's never been more dangerous. They don't have a good detailed plan to keep us safe. I work at a large university, so my boss is only able to help me as the university allows. I have some savings but no extra money anymore, so unpaid leave isn't sustainable to outlast a pandemic with no effective treatment and no vaccine. New drugs and vaccines are a long ways off; I studied this in high level college courses, so please don't say there will be a miracle drug or treatment soon (I guarentee I won't have access to it by next week). I do not have any therapy money (not a penny), so please do not recommend that; although I'm open to free resources.

I don't want to die. I'm at zero risk for doing so as long as I don't get sick. But if I get COVID-19, which I likely will if I go back to work, ESPECIALLY right now, I keep thinking how slow and agonizing and miserable and lonely that death would be. If I miraculously recover, I expect I'll be even more disabled, and my quality of life already sucks because of my current chronic illnesses and student loan debt. If I'm going to die, I'd rather get it over with quicker. I can't break myself out of these thoughts. I keep focusing on death. I don't have good support.

[Mallika]

Hi there,

Thank you for your honest sharing.

If you are worried about being at high risk of illness in the event that you get COVID-19, I think it makes absolute sense for you to take all necessary precaution. It wouldn't be right to have you get back to work given that things are still "raw" from the aftermath of the peak in COVID-19 cases.

I understand you boss is limited by the university's safety protocols, but perhaps you could write an email or call your boss and explain your situation? Try requesting your boss for an extended work-from-home setting and explain how your condition might put you at greater risk of sickness. If your boss is not understanding, is there another higher-up you could contact? Usually at a university there might be other advisors/staff you might be able to coordinate too.

I understand that this is an extremely uncertain and confusing scenario for you, but let's try to be as optimistic as possible. I can imagine that it's natural to think of death and sickness, but remember that sometimes the scenarios we think of are a lot worse than reality i.e. things need not necessarily be as bad as we might expect them to be. That said, it's still important that you take all necessary precaution so as to not expose yourself to any infection at this point.

As for therapy, if you feel that you want to have someone to talk to, you can try looking online for local crises hotlines/mental health hotlines. Samaritans is one such option. These usually have trained volunteers who will be able to guide you better. Another thing you could do is listen to some videos/podcasts by some counsellors or lifestyle coaches (I know Jay Shetty does free podcasts) - it might not be equivalent to therapy but it might be a nice idea to have someone speak some positive, uplifting things to you.

If you have anything you'd like to lift off your chest or if you simply want to have a chat, you are free to PM me

[Arabesque- golfing girl.]

Hello,

I am truly sorry that you are having a hard time with this and hope that you will be okay soon.

When we have this going on it can bring us down a lot and we are having a hard time getting back to work. You do not want to get sick and when you are able to talk to someone at your work, try to. Or try to get a lot of people together and go and talk to them this way. Sometimes when something is going on like this and the boss is not listening to us, sometimes they will if you have a group of people fighting for the same thing. They could change how they are looking at this and help you all out, so that you can go back to work and you are all safe at the same time.

When you have time try to find something to get your mind off of this, so that you are not thinking about it so much. Try reading any book, or drawing or painting or calling a friend or putting on a funny movie or TV show or something else that you enjoy doing, and do that for a while until you are doing okay. I hope that your boss will help you out with this and that you will be okay soon. Sending you hugs.

[Tigereyes]

Thanks for the responses. I am already taking all precautions in my power, but I need other people to help keep me safe. The 95% of people who don't attempt social distancing or mask wearing are implying that they are okay with me dying. I don't feel safe exposing myself much further than I already am by having to buy groceries. I am trying to enjoy good moments at home, but it doesn't change the lingering anxiety about a very real and increasing danger, just outside my door.

Originally Posted by Mallika

It wouldn't be right to have you get back to work given that things are still "raw" from the aftermath of the peak in COVID-19 cases.

Things aren't raw from the aftermath. Things are just BEGINNING to peak because of reopening. It is not safe to reopen, but to the government and univeristy, my life is worth sacrificing for the economy. Our mayor is actually keeping us "locked down" because it's only getting worse, but the university goes by the state. Our state is reopening because of lawsuits, not safety.

Originally Posted by Mallika

I understand you boss is limited by the university's safety protocols, but perhaps you could write an email or call your boss and explain your situation? Try requesting your boss for an extended work-from-home setting and explain how your condition might put you at greater risk of sickness. If your boss is not understanding, is there another higher-up you could contact? Usually at a university there might be other advisors/staff you might be able to coordinate too.

My boss is very understanding and supportive. I am working on an email to her. However, she is very limited by the higher ups at the university. Work from home is NOT possible with my job, so I am reliant entirely on the "generosity" of the university to grant me paid leave (which is less than I normally make). If the university calls me back, the paid leave likely won't be an option, so I'd be forced to take unpaid ADA leave if I choose to stay home. I can't afford that, and that means no unemployment benefits either. I also can't afford the hospital if I get sick, but at least I have insurance that I can't afford to use.

I appreciate the mental health resources, and will check some of them out, thanks.

[Tigereyes]

Outcome is looking even worse. It's not resolved, no detailed safety plan in place, no good options only bad.

[Dawn.]

Hi there,

I can't even imagine how stressed you are at the moment. I would be as well given your circumstances. I find it hard to believe that your workplace would be so relaxed in having any form of plans in place to protect you and your co-workers, given the current situation or even allowing you to work from home.

[Tigereyes]

I wish I found it hard to believe, but unfortunately, I don't. I do have specific information that shows the university's lack of safety and complete disregard for high risk people, but I do not feel comfortable posting further details anywhere online. I only have bad options available to me, and this is very common where I live.

[Tigereyes]

They won't work with me. It is official that I have to choose between staying alive and a shitty traumatizing job.

[RebLinn]

Originally Posted by Tigereyes

I wish I found it hard to believe, but unfortunately, I don't. I do have specific information that shows the university's lack of safety and complete disregard for high risk people, but I do not feel comfortable posting further details anywhere online. I only have bad options available to me, and this is very common where I live.

Our university supports distance learning for students. Someone wrote a personal statement and was allowed to submit assignments online. Can you do the same?

[Tigereyes]

Originally Posted by RebLinn

Our university supports distance learning for students. Someone wrote a personal statement and was allowed to submit assignments online. Can you do the same?

Thanks for taking the time to respond. I was already forced to quit my job months ago. I was an employee, so I didn't get any protection like the students. The university said they didn't care if I die or not.