I am tired

[Thinking]

I am really tired of this life.

I really hate why I had to work so hard on everything, while so many other people have it easy. I feel that I made bad choices that damaged my life financially.

I even met the girl of my dreams, but I don't deserve her at all. She admire me for my personality, but she doesn't know that my life is a mess.


Whatever I do, no matter how good I am, it is never enough.

People do not even need to be "good" to live a comfortable and happy life, while I had to struggle in every possible way.

And the fact that I don't even know how my future looks like makes me very depressed.

I can't bring her into this mess. Not especially when she already had an easy and happy life.


What should I even work hard towards anymore?

I want to do math research but it won't pay me as much as I needed.

I want to do a PhD but I need a scholarship, which I could have payed if I didn't screw up my decisions by paying for my undergraduate already.

I don't even know if I can continue a Masters.

I gradually come to hate math because I am not able to do it as a career. I hate my own gift. It is something that is given to me just to make me suffer.

What is there to be happy, really? I am just sacrificing everything in my life just to survive.


I want to be good enough, but I am tired, it is never enough. I just want to have a happy family and a career I enjoy, but just these two simple wish is so difficult.

I am never good enough, not this life. In any other life I would have easily done so, but no there is no other life.

I am really tired. I hate feeling sadness and stress and loneliness every single hour while I had to suppress them working on my studies.

Because even if I got PhD, then what?


I still have to work for something I don't like just to earn enough for my family. I didn't come from a good background so everything/everyone depends on me.

People see sadness/depression as a temporal thing. It is something that weighs on me for a lifetime.

I am tired.

[CecilFitzgerald]

I am tired from covid

[CecilFitzgerald]

And also I am tired from quarantine

[Mallika]

Hi Ivan,

Thank you so much for your honest sharing here on TeenHelp. I can completely understand where you are coming from.

The reality is, this is how the world is unfortunately. There is always us, the hardworking lot, and there is this group of people which just gets to breeze past everything. I feel you, I have exactly been where you are right now. I am also a STEM person, I study Genetics.

In our field, and I'm sure it's same with Maths, there is an awful amount of work required to get even a bit of progress, especially while performing one experiment. People spend three years, screening mutants after mutants, only to find one gene with some relevance to a biological process. It is incredibly frustrating, so I can completely understand how you're feeling.

One thing I've learned from interacting with PhD students at my university is this - if you are getting burned out and tired of your field, it might be better not to pursue it. We're talking about a PhD here - that's 4-5 years of our lives! And it doesn't end there; PhDs venture on to do post-docs, and then climb the ladder till they reach professorship or the role of Principal Investigator. Not to mention, the money isn't great, you need to constantly apply for grants, stuff like that. If this is not for you, there is nothing wrong in opting for a shift in career:

1) If you are sick of math and do not want anything that has math in it, cool! There are lots of people who opt for a career shift, venturing into a field that might have nothing to do with what they studied in school. I know a guy who has a PhD in Physics who is now working in an IT company. In fact, a good friend of mine in my Genetics major wants to go into design.

2) If you still want to be involved in math, you might want to explore other career options within maths, something other than research. I think financial companies and stuff hire mathematicians and statisticians, and I think the pay in such roles is much, much better. Personally, I knew academia isn't for me, so I'm opting for a clinical role in Genetics after I graduate.

So it's up to you, entirely. There's no shame in dropping what is distressing us, and picking up a new thread to start a new life. In fact, there is strength in walking away from that which has given us so much stress and despair. We're human, and it's natural. Don't feel that you have to be bound to Maths for the rest of your life just because you spent a lot of money on your undergraduate education - it all happened for a reason, and I'm sure the skills you learnt, the experiences you had, will be of value to you in some way or the other, even if the mathematical concepts you learnt aren't. You might have heard of Steve Job's story - after he dropped out of Reed College and walked into a random calligraphy class one day, he was inspired. He had no idea what he'd so with calligraphy at that time, but he learned it anyway. Ten years later, when he was working on Apple MacBook design, he put to use some of the skills he learnt in developing the font. I highly recommend you to listen his full lecture at his 2005 Stanford Commencement address, because he talks about the struggle of hardwork and failure in the face of success, something so many of us can relate with. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UF8uR6Z6KLc&t=656s)

Now, about seeing people around you who get everything without putting any much effort - I. FEEL. YOU. I have this classmate of mine that is one of those "lucky" people - she got a full scholarship, got some internship because her parents are working in the same line, a grant to carry out some research, a work attachment in the lab of one of our professors because he knows her parents, and got an award for getting top marks, though there is the rest of us, working out ass*s off too for the same kind of opportunities. But let me tell you something, her lucky streak didn't last forever. A couple of years into university, things evened out and we all started getting good opportunities, so it wasn't just her who had a fabulous CV. In fact, some of us started getting better prospects than her. I'm not saying this so as to encourage you to compare yourself with others or to hope that another successful person loses their streak; what I'm trying to highlight here is that luck as a factor for opportunities doesn't last forever, but hardwork does.

So, commend yourself for working so hard. Not everyone is as persevering as you. It takes great strength to put up with something, though it rattles us to our core. That being said, if what we're doing doesn't give us joy and doesn't thrill us, there's nothing to be embarrassed about walking away from it. Perhaps that wasn't for us. Perhaps there's something much better waiting for us, or at least there's something else that will keep us happy! Perhaps there's something else out there that will enable you to use your talents in another way. PhD isn't the only route if you're good at science/math You never know, perhaps looking for another job might be one of the best decisions you will take now and that it might grant you those wishes you totally deserve! So don't be afraid to take a leap of faith and explore other opportunities.

Take care, and PM me if you have any questions!

[FONT=""][COLOR=""][SIZE=""]I wish i could say there was a light, but since i see none, we are but two blind men stumbling in the dark. Good luck[/size][/color][/font]