Smiling depression

[TenementFunster]

I don't come here that often mostly as I'd forgotten about this place. I had a suicide plan lined up in March and was found out by my parents(due to something showing up on my card), though in hindsight, I don't think I would've had the guts to go through with it. I ended up in a psych ward for 4 days. I managed to talk my way out and went to a partial program(9 to 3 gig). During those 2 weeks, I met some wonderful people and entered a medication-free stable period. However, over this past month, my depression has came back in the "smiling" form. I can go about my day as usual and maintain a mental fortress around others, but at night, I often cry silently when no-one else is around. In these past couple weeks, I have had detailed suicidal thoughts complete with a much more discrete plan. However, I plan to hang on through this month due to an event I've been waiting for since January. Only one person knows that I'm at least "not well". If anyone in contact with my parents were to find out my current state, I'd be thrust back into hell. The more private friends(those from partial, ascended former teacher) I have would likely shut me out upon finding out. I'm a mess, but I just don't want to go back to that hell

Hey there,

I am sorry that it took a while for you to get a response. It sounds like you are really struggling. Firstly, I want to say that while I know you are hesitant to seek out help it's probably the best thing you can do for yourself. You don't deserve to be feeling this way and if you seek out help you might be able to get to a better place. It's very possible that your medications aren't working correctly and once you fix that issue you could start feeling better. I know how crappy the hospitals are but it could save your life and you deserve to be saved.

Do you know what the triggers are for your depression? Are there things that have occurred to make it worse? It might help if you took some time to journal or blog about what's going on. We have a blog here that you could utilize if you wanted.

Please keep hanging in there and if you need anything please feel free to message me.