Non-PG13: Are you alive? What do you live for? WHY do you do what you do?

[DiafolEternal]

Some people have a drive, an ambition, a dream. Something they want from this world before they leave. but not me.

Some people live for others, their children, their friends, their family. A cage, a chain, a guilt trip to stay confined.
Others live for the journey. The smells, the tastes, the feelings. What do you do when all experience is meaningless?

What about faith? A Christian, a Muslim, a Jew. All live life in a way their god tells them is right and just. All in hopes of reward, an afterlife worth suffering for. But what does the Atheist have? Past this life of suffering? Nothing... Remember how it was before you were born?... Exactly, nothing. And that is what awaits the Atheist.

All of humanity either hates all of their life or hates the Monday to Friday, the nine till five, just praying for the weekend. How sad is it that most people pray for 5/7th of their life to be over as quickly as possible, just so they can spend the other 2/7ths recovering and doing what they want, if money allows of course.

Why has humanity gotten to such a state that mental health is such a large issue yet so few of us can seek help? No one breaks their leg and thinks "its not a real issue" and that they need to man the fuck up?

How many centurys of denial does it take for the human brain, a machine so complicated it can not even understand itself, To reprogram itself into a state that it fights its own basic survival instinct. A state that suffering and self mutilation is a better alternative than seeking help, as it would for a broken limb.

So let me ask you again, in a world with such hurt, such hatred, against a mind that itself wishes its own destruction. Why do you keep going?
Why should I keep going? And do not say for my parents, my family, my friends, people who trap me in a painful existence because the pain of ME ending ME would be too painful for THEM to cope with.

I do not want to be a bird in a cage. But I have no reason to fly either. I do not wish to kill myself, but I do not wish to continue either.

I do wish it was how I was before I was born, for this meaningless trial to have not started.

Not for a Game Over, but for me to have never played.

Hey,


I apologize it took a while for you to get a response. You ask some really good questions and I'll try to answer to the best of my ability.


To be honest, I have a lot of days where I don't know what keeps me going. I suppose one of the things that keeps me going is the hope that tomorrow will be a better day and there are days where tomorrow is better. I don't necessarily hate M-F. I have a job and it's stressful but I accomplished my dream of getting a job with this particular company so I appreciate my job.


What should keep you going is entirely up to you. I don't, personally, think other people should keep living for the people in their lives. I believe when things are really bad living for loved ones can help but when a person only lives for their loved ones that can be bad because relationships end and people pass away. So, I won't tell you to live for your family or friends because I think you need to find a different reason to keep pushing forward.


What do you enjoy? Do you like gaming, reading, riding a bike. There are days when the things that keep me going are the things I like such as my reading. If I leave this world too early I'll miss out on a particular release or reading a particular series. It sounds silly but it does help me get through some tough times.


Best regards.

[DiafolEternal]

Honestly, I am just trying to find THINGs to live for so I can avoid the hurt of family.
The final season of GoT. Avengers: End Game. the goblin slayer dub or the new League of Legengds ranked format. Literally anything to look forward to because I feel so trapped.



I am 256 days SH free, but considering I tied a noose yesterday, im not even sure if that is a help or a determent anymore.

[DiafolEternal]

Something a friend asked my write, but was tired and had gone to bed before i finished...

"Ok... so many vodkas later... I want to start this off by letting you know I am here for you x
I feel I am telling you my problems more than listening to yours these days. I don’t know if that’s my paranoia or truth. Regardless I am sorry xxx
But i want you to know I am always here for you, I will always have an open ear for you, a shoulder for you to cry on, or a friend to chill with and ignore the world around us. We can watch friends, draw, and make tails. Literally anything you want x

But you have told me to open up to you right now, and I hope i am not adding to your existing worries. i do not want to weigh upon you. Although you said you watch my FB posts so I may be doing that already x

I want to start with the good. I am 253 days SH free. And although I have defiantly been close, I have resisted. I still keep my pack of blades near. Maybe it is a control thing like you said yours was, with when rich took yours away from you. I’m not really sure but it is a comfort to know it’s there, and I can do that whenever I want. I have the tools and the plasters for aftercare. As I have never done that as a means to an end if you know what I mean. And although I have defiantly been considering it, You, rich, DnD guys, Kiba, family/friends. All of it plays a part in me not trying again x. and I do not mean that as a guilt trip towards any of you if that’s how it comes across xxxx

I was hoping the "good" section would be longer than that

But for the bad:
Both SH and "IT" are on my mind a lot right now, and I feel I am going nuts.
Your message regarding Baudros "Exactly! A life! A reason to exist" kind of hit home in that i don’t have those. Even though I may do to my family and friends, and logical me is trying to convince myself that I do in all my friends/family lives and the future I can make for myself. The “ME” I don’t want does its best to convince me this is pointless and is ALWAYS chipping away at me to give up.
All of the above had stopped for a few months after starting the sertraline, but now it’s all back with a vengeance with added issue

As we slightly talked about earlier, I never used to dream. Well if I did I would remember. Maybe 1 or 2 dreams a year. More so when I was with Sara and it would be our future, out children, ect. For the 2-3 years after I would remember zero of them. And the past 2-3 months I remember loads and don’t know what was a dream and what wasn’t, I have night terrors. I can’t sleep....



You asked "What are you hallucinating?" earlier.

So more so during the times I’m going to sleep or waking up. I’ll remember fights with family/friends that never happened. I’ll remember seeing people that weren’t there. So if you wake me up in that state now ill naturally reach out to try and touch you to see if you are real or not. Discussions that never happened. Relationships that never existed. "Normal" stuff that could happen, but didn’t.
Ill also think night terrors are real, all the walls and ceiling of my room covered in spiders, a ghoulish figure standing over me, my throat/wrists bleeding out as the walls bleed in unison. Surreal things like that...
I started trying to count my fingertips as habit (Chris recommended it) something to know "I am awake" and try to lucid dream to control it but that hasn’t worked and I can count the 4 fingers while they drip with blood... Chris said he counts 5 in that state.

Sometimes even while awake, although it is rarer, I will see that same ghoulish figure, a pitch black hound, or something in the corner of my eye or around the corner and it will make my heart race and depending on how I feel at that time, ill either bare my fists to fight. Or run like a bitch in very real terror...

But based on the pure definition of the word Psychotic. "Psychosis is characterized by an impaired relationship with reality. It's a symptom of serious mental disorders. People who are experiencing psychosis may have either hallucinations or delusions. Hallucinations are sensory experiences that occur within the absence of an actual stimulus"
I think I would be classified as psychotic... it’s a large part of why I drink, cannot have this shit if I am blacked out rather than asleep.

I should have seen my doctor within a few weeks of me starting these meds because of the "digestion" issues they have caused. Now I am more afraid of getting sanctioned or something if I admit the above to a professional. As we discovered earlier from Bandersnatch. Neither of us are very good talkers. I have got to be wrecked to be this honest, even to my closest friend, never mind a stranger. And the last time I went to the docs I got rekted beforehand so I can be honest. And Dr.Rhys (IIRC, was rekt obviously) just chastised me for smelling of booze rather than addressing my issues.

Even as I type this, I don’t know why I am. No one on the outside can really help with existential depression. I feel I have unlocked that door and it is not something that can be shut again. I have had these feelings 15ish years. And it is a constant race to find meaning vs my brain telling me there is no meaning. Other than my one attempt, I can usually stay just ahead. But with the added Psychosis I am struggling....


As a final note on this already way too long thing. A thing I wrote a few months back that comments say I should share?

Some people have a drive, an ambition, a dream. Something they want from this world before they leave. But not me. Some people live for others, their children, their friends, and their family. A cage, a chain, a guilt trip to stay confined.
Others live for the journey. The smells, the tastes, the feelings. What do you do when all experience is meaningless?
What about faith? A Christian, a Muslim, a Jew. All live life in a way their god tells
Them is right and just. All in hopes of reward, an afterlife worth suffering for. But
What does the Atheist have? Past this life of suffering? Nothing... Remember how it was before you were born?... Exactly, nothing. And that is what awaits the Atheist.
All of humanity either hates all of their life or hates the Monday to Friday, the nine
Till five, just praying for the weekend. How sad is it that most people pray for 5/7th
Of their life to be over as quickly as possible, just so they can spend the other
2/7ths recovering and doing what they want, if money allows of course. Why has humanity gotten to such a state that mental health is such a large issue yet so few of us can seek help? No one breaks their leg and thinks "it’s not a real issue" and that they need to man the fuck up?
How many centuries of denial does it take for the human brain, a machine so complicated it cannot even understand itself, to reprogram itself into a state that it fights its own basic survival instinct. A state that suffering and self-mutilation is a better alternative than seeking help, as it would for a broken limb.
So let me ask you again, in a world with such hurt, such hatred, against a mind that
Itself wishes its own destruction. Why do you keep going?
Why should I keep going? And do not say for my parents, my family, my friends, people who trap me in a painful existence because the pain of ME ending ME would be too painful for them to cope with.
I do not want to be a bird in a cage. But I have no reason to fly either. I do not wish
To kill myself, but I do not wish to continue either.
I do wish it was how I was before I was born, for this meaningless trial to have not
Started. Not for a Game Over, but for me to have never played."

[DiafolEternal]

Originally Posted by .:Bibliophile:.

Hey,


I apologize it took a while for you to get a response. You ask some really good questions and I'll try to answer to the best of my ability.


To be honest, I have a lot of days where I don't know what keeps me going. I suppose one of the things that keeps me going is the hope that tomorrow will be a better day and there are days where tomorrow is better. I don't necessarily hate M-F. I have a job and it's stressful but I accomplished my dream of getting a job with this particular company so I appreciate my job.


What should keep you going is entirely up to you. I don't, personally, think other people should keep living for the people in their lives. I believe when things are really bad living for loved ones can help but when a person only lives for their loved ones that can be bad because relationships end and people pass away. So, I won't tell you to live for your family or friends because I think you need to find a different reason to keep pushing forward.


What do you enjoy? Do you like gaming, reading, riding a bike. There are days when the things that keep me going are the things I like such as my reading. If I leave this world too early I'll miss out on a particular release or reading a particular series. It sounds silly but it does help me get through some tough times.


Best regards.

Sorry .:Bibliophile:., I am just spamming this thread now. But what you said has really hit home.
I have no hope for tomorrow, because so what? Tomorrow, the day after, soon... It will be over anyway. When the destination is death, who really cares how we get there? it doesn't matter.

I have felt trapped in this life by the other people for over 10 years now, i have seeked help, been open. anything to try and control myself so that i can bare this existence to avoid causing others pain. Relationships do end, friends and family die, and people drift apart. so in time every chain holding me will rust, break and turn to dust regardless.

And as for what do I enjoy, for many years now. nothing... I try to keep the habits i had when I could enjoy things. I game, but hate it because I am not as good as i once was. I draw, but can no longer find inspiration, or find the beauty in things to create something beautiful.

Honestly, I am just trying to find ANYTHING to live for so I can avoid the hurt of family.
The final season of GoT. Avengers: End Game. the goblin slayer dub or the new League of Legends ranked format. Literally anything to look forward to because I feel so trapped.

but really, even those are now a thin rope that may soon break under tension.

[DiafolEternal]

"so money wise, been waiting on my few 1000 my dad owes me and his house to "sell" so he can pay me. but thats been going on next week for 7 months now, and he has told my mum he plans on giving me and my siblings 500 each. even tho i paid all his bills and food for nearly a year and they provided fuck all. Fairs fair in his eyes huh?

so ive been lied to and shafted there. wasting my last few months wage and my redundancy payment. Currently literally starving. Partly because of the body dysmorphia i have always suffered. Partly because I have no food after he and my brother have stolen it all from me.


Mental health wise. I have told me doc repeatably about my state, and I am currently on my 5th different anti-depressant (Sertraline) which has although helped at first. i currently feel worse than ever and now have permanent vomiting/diarrhea.
I tried to exercise when i had a goal (tough mudder) and try to draw, be artistic and energetic. All the things i used to be.


im just not anymore. i drink, sleep, suffer psychosis and wish i didn't play this stupid game.
I am still 258 days SH free, unsure if just doing that would help my day to day or not. my lighter is a gun shape, so i "test" that every now and again. I dont know... the above poem just fits me, idk why i started here, why i am still here.

A mix of feeling the family/friends chains, my own cowardice of either the pain, or worse yet, failing.

[Celyn]

I agree with the above in that the hope for a better future can sometimes help, even if you can't imagine it. Even though you've been suffering for a long time, it's not guaranteed that you will always continue to suffer. There can be better days ahead. Death is inevitable, but I guess sometimes that's why life can be worth living- death is certain, but life isn't- things can change. And yes, that can mean that relationships end and people drift away, but it can also mean new beginnings too.

If you are looking for things like tv series and games to depend on to avoid hurting your family by taking your life then that's a good enough start. The same with being 258 days SH free and resisting thoughts and urges. It shows that there is a part of you determined to hold on. and that's what matters.

You mention that the SH and suicidal urges eased with the sertraline, and I'm wondering if you have talked to your doctor or psychiatrist about this? It may be that you need a higher dose or a different medication. Also, have you considered therapy? Sometimes you may need a combination of medication and therapy to help you feel better.

Sleep problems like hallucinations can be common with mental health issues, and even those without. It can also be a side effect of some medications, like anti-depressants. However, if they are affecting you a lot, then it's best to talk to a doctor about them. Lack, or disrupted quality, of sleep can definitely make mental health worse. If these things happen only when you are just about to sleep or waking up, it may not be psychosis. If you experience these things when you are awake, then it may be considered to be symptoms of psychosis, and it is best to get help. Anti-psychotics may be able to reduce the hallucinations. You may not get sectioned for talking about the things you experience. It may happen if you plan on seriously harming yourself, others or are very detached from reality and need medical assistance. Sometimes you may be asked if you want to voluntarily admit yourself to a psychiatric ward. But the point is that the professionals are there to help you. I understand that it can be very hard opening up to others, so is there someone who can go to the doctors for you and be an advocate for you? Or you could try writing things and down and using that to help you talk about things or even giving the note to the doctor? I'm also wondering if the drinking is helping as much as you think it is, or do you think it might be making things worse? I know you are struggling, but you don't need or deserve to struggle.

I'm sorry to hear that you don't enjoy things anymore. I'm wondering if you would consider trying to find new things that you may enjoy? It is hard when we can no longer take comfort in our old hobbies, and even though it can be helpful to try to go back to them, we may find some enjoyment or inspiration in new things.

I'm saddened to hear about how your dad and brother have treated you. You mention that you are receiving redundancy payment, and I'm wondering if you have financial plans in place? Try contacting citizens advice if you want help with things like benefits, food banks etc.

You are worthy of a better life, even if it doesn't feel that way right now

[DiafolEternal]

Originally Posted by Celyn

I agree with the above in that the hope for a better future can sometimes help, even if you can't imagine it. Even though you've been suffering for a long time, it's not guaranteed that you will always continue to suffer. There can be better days ahead. Death is inevitable, but I guess sometimes that's why life can be worth living- death is certain, but life isn't- things can change. And yes, that can mean that relationships end and people drift away, but it can also mean new beginnings too.

I totally agree with you, It can be better. but my brain is still asking if it matters? So what if you do a bit better on level 2 than you did on level 1. you will still eventually die or just complete the game. you wont get a high score, or be remembered. you are just one of an uncountable, an infinite, ∞, number of forgotten and rotten corpses.

If you are looking for things like tv series and games to depend on to avoid hurting your family by taking your life then that's a good enough start. The same with being 258 days SH free and resisting thoughts and urges. It shows that there is a part of you determined to hold on. and that's what matters.

That is much more for them than me. If I could tell them I am moving abroad and make a disconnection before killing myself, i would. I foolishly love family that take advantage. and have very few friends that legit love me. Both of which I dread hating me for as long as their lives last more so than how i feel for what is left of mine.

You mention that the SH and suicidal urges eased with the sertraline, and I'm wondering if you have talked to your doctor or psychiatrist about this? It may be that you need a higher dose or a different medication. Also, have you considered therapy? Sometimes you may need a combination of medication and therapy to help you feel better.

Sertraline helped AT FIRST, well not at first. same as the past 4 meds i had been put on. They made me worse at first. but then I felt better, felt I had that energy to eat, work, keep my room clean, ect. that was a great 2-3 months. then it all faded... My energy is gone for nearly everything. all i care about is D&D as an escape from reality. smoking and drinking. The less time I have to spend in this world and this body the better

Sleep problems like hallucinations can be common with mental health issues, and even those without. It can also be a side effect of some medications, like anti-depressants. However, if they are affecting you a lot, then it's best to talk to a doctor about them. Lack, or disrupted quality, of sleep can definitely make mental health worse. If these things happen only when you are just about to sleep or waking up, it may not be psychosis. If you experience these things when you are awake, then it may be considered to be symptoms of psychosis, and it is best to get help. Anti-psychotics may be able to reduce the hallucinations. You may not get sectioned for talking about the things you experience. It may happen if you plan on seriously harming yourself, others or are very detached from reality and need medical assistance. Sometimes you may be asked if you want to voluntarily admit yourself to a psychiatric ward. But the point is that the professionals are there to help you. I understand that it can be very hard opening up to others, so is there someone who can go to the doctors for you and be an advocate for you? Or you could try writing things and down and using that to help you talk about things or even giving the note to the doctor? I'm also wondering if the drinking is helping as much as you think it is, or do you think it might be making things worse? I know you are struggling, but you don't need or deserve to struggle.

So in the past, my sleep problems have just been a bit of insomnia, struggling to get to sleep. But once I finally got to sleep I was out cold. NOTHING would wake me up. I dreamed nothing, i remembered nothing, I didnt even have to get up to pee... but the past few months i dream. this is a totally new experience for me and i really cant tell them apart. And this ranges from:
Minor things like seeing someone i know and reaching out to find they are not there. Trying to cuddle my Ex-Fiancee forgetting the past 4 years since our break up.
Having arguments with family that never really happened and vice versa. me acting like everything is fine while they are pissed at me cuz that one was real.
More night terror shit, my ceiling is spiders, my walls bleed along with my neck and wrists. a ghoulish figure hovers over me, either just staring, or putting its immense wight on my chest.
The past week or two, and how I know I am getting worse. I have woken up to find I had tied a noose IRL thinking it was a dream. or that I had hung myself in my dream and was more surprised that I woke up at all!

I'm sorry to hear that you don't enjoy things anymore. I'm wondering if you would consider trying to find new things that you may enjoy? It is hard when we can no longer take comfort in our old hobbies, and even though it can be helpful to try to go back to them, we may find some enjoyment or inspiration in new things.

I am trying, just nothing is working

I'm saddened to hear about how your dad and brother have treated you. You mention that you are receiving redundancy payment, and I'm wondering if you have financial plans in place? Try contacting citizens advice if you want help with things like benefits, food banks etc.

Nope, I had received A redundancy payment. and even that was not a true redundancy but all my remaining holidays and sick days. all of that was given to my dad because "it would only be a few weeks" that was a year ago now. and I have struggled since.

You are worthy of a better life, even if it doesn't feel that way right now

Thank you x but yes... it does not feel like that x

[DiafolEternal]

And typically, while typing that I swallowed a filling so now the exposed nerve in my mouth hurts. and ringing my dentist to see what time they opened revealed that my phone has been cut off.... I really do want to give up!

[DiafolEternal]

So I opened up to a friend Friday, and she said she will come docs with me on Wednesday.

I have ran out of vodka, tobacco, pop (caffeine), and energy. I have spent 52 of the last 60 hours in bed. I broke my 265 days SH free.

The same friend as above seen me post I was ill (from withdrawal, but she didn't know that part) and suggested I not come to our weekly D&D session. she said she was worried about me infecting the group but I just felt i was being treated differently after being open with her. ensue nightmares of abandonment. I think it was a nightmare anyway, i deleted a lot of the messages from Friday (while in that real/fake world state) so not sure if she did call me and i deleted that from myself too.

Not sure I even want to go doc. Firstly idk how honest i can be and not get sectioned. she assures me that wont happen but idk. she tells me it will get me back to reality. but thats not what i really want. I do just want that game over screen.

[Celyn]

Really glad to hear that you opened up to a friend and that she will accompany you to the doctors!

Sorry to hear that you have been struggling so much and broke your SH free record. It definitely sounds like now is a good time to get professional help though.

It is hard when friends know that we aren't feeling well, but don't quite know what's wrong or how to help. It can definitely seem like you have been abandoned, especially when you tried to open up. However, it doesn't necessarily mean that you have actually been treated differently or abandoned. And even if this was the case, it's not a reflection on you.

It is best to be honest with the doctor. It's unlikely you would get sectioned. You should feel empowered to make decisions about your treatment. I know you don't want to get back into reality and so you may feel unsure about going to the doctors and talking about getting help and recovering. But at the very least, you don't deserve to suffer and if you give treatment a chance, you may find you feel a bit better, even if you can't think about that right now. Hang in there

[DiafolEternal]

Originally Posted by Celyn

Really glad to hear that you opened up to a friend and that she will accompany you to the doctors!

She did today, I showed her this thread and she was able to put into words and explain it better than I could in person. My meds have been upped, i have an appointment with mental health tomorrow assuming the snow doesnt fuck that up, and a review next week that she is going to come with me for as well

Sorry to hear that you have been struggling so much and broke your SH free record. It definitely sounds like now is a good time to get professional help though.

It is hard when friends know that we aren't feeling well, but don't quite know what's wrong or how to help. It can definitely seem like you have been abandoned, especially when you tried to open up. However, it doesn't necessarily mean that you have actually been treated differently or abandoned. And even if this was the case, it's not a reflection on you.

I thought she was to be honest, but after today i realise that was part of my depression, anxiety and the nightmares (and my lack of ability to tell them apart) speaking and she truly is my best friend through it all and I am so grateful for the love and support she gives me.

It is best to be honest with the doctor. It's unlikely you would get sectioned. You should feel empowered to make decisions about your treatment. I know you don't want to get back into reality and so you may feel unsure about going to the doctors and talking about getting help and recovering. But at the very least, you don't deserve to suffer and if you give treatment a chance, you may find you feel a bit better, even if you can't think about that right now. Hang in there

The honest part is where i struggled, id get there and draw a blank and instinct was to suck it up and not burden others. or just to know it doesnt help to open up based on past and even current experience. my family do not help with this at all and make it worse -_-
Even today, she did most of the explaining and I just tried to answer questions while holding back tears and shaking. but I did it. Tomorrow is going to be hard I think as it will just be me (she has work and life too, cant expect her to be there every time. just need to know shes there in spirit for me) but if i can't say it. I will ask the professional to read my letters. even if i can't SAY it, I will get it across x

Thank you x

[Celyn]

So glad to hear that your friend helped you explain things with the doctor. I totally get you about not being able to put things into words and needing someone else to help explain (I've been there too). Best of luck for tomorrow- it's more than okay to ask the professional to read your letters. Hope it goes smoothly

[DiafolEternal]

It went ok thanks Celyn.
it was only an assessment really but i got them to read that poem bit an answered lots of questions. waiting for a letter from them now on next steps.

[DiafolEternal]

so, 4 weeks on, thought id give a lil update...

I have MUCH better days, and those good days are becoming more and more common which is a VERY good thing.

But my bad days are either worse, or just seem worse by comparison to the good days I now have.

My alcoholism is still very very much alive, and I cant beat it.
My night terrors are still a thing and i dislocated my thumb hitting the wall, or in my mind, the monster/beast/thing.

SO, right now I am having a hella bad day, and still wish id get killed. but overall I think I am better. and I have enough will to try to get better.

Edit:
Thinking bad days are worse than before... made a bucket list...
GoT S8
Avengers: End Game
Paint Tiamat/Tygarian cross over.

[Celyn]

So glad to hear that you are having better days and these are happening more often!

I think it makes sense that you may notice your bad days feel worse, when in general, you may be feeling better. But it's good to try to ride out the bad days knowing that things will get better!

Were you able to get help for your alcoholism? I understand that it can be a difficult thing to give up so professional help can be beneficial to you. Sorry to hear about your night terrors. They must be very distressing for you, more so when you have hurt yourself physically because of them.

It's really good that you feel you have the will to try to get better and have made a bucket list too. Take care

[DiafolEternal]

They are, although I have been very down the past 2-3 days. so I know i should be happy about the up days, just kinda struggling to appreciate them right now.
Still avoided SH for all my bad days, although this stretch did have me doing further research into suicide

I have not, still drinking WAY too much.
The night terrors really are I dislocated my thumb last week, and this week have maybe broken two knuckles. at the very least really badly hurt them and have struggled to use a mouse. After my past history of hitting loved ones in bed and the now proof and (1) memory of attacking in my sleep. I am now having huge anxiety attacks whenever im tired, with amplified ones when im led in bed.

[DiafolEternal]

so been on these meds awhile now. and id say the only real change is its gone from emotional to logical. but feelings are the same. Im mostly waiting on GoT, End Game and Detective Pikachu.

then, idk

[DiafolEternal]

Shock:
why do i feel this way, get outside, try to be better, fail, SH returns.

Denial
Nah I'm fine, i shouldn't feel this way. people have it worse and I have friends/family to help anyway. why would I feel this way.

Anger
Got very frustrated at myself for my anxiety, my depression, my issues. Had night terrors and increased Anxiety.

Bargaining
What if i stay drunk/high all the time? that'll make me forget, right? It kept me alive and eating last time anyway.

Depression
spent like 4 weeks in bed.
I ENJOY NOTHING!
I WANT NOTHING!
WHY LIVE?!

Testing
tying a noose, slight cuts into my wrist, small OD to trial if vomiting ect would kick in before death. Testing if I could and how...

Acceptance
Finish LMoP, watch Detective Pikachu, GoT, End game... Then I end my game... Who knew DMs could be the player to die?

[Celyn]

Sorry to hear you are struggling. It sounds like the meds helped a bit but maybe not so much now. Is it possible to go back to your doctor to let them know this and see what they suggest?

Recovery from depression and mental illness can often mean relapses and you may feel you aren't going anywhere so there's no point.

It's good that you tried to go outside and be better. The problem with depression is that we might try hard to feel better and then feel worse when this doesn't happen. You didn't fail though. It's understandable that you might feel this way but try be gentle with yourself- recovering from depression isn't easy and you are trying which is all that matters.

We are all susceptible to mental health struggles and while it may seem like others have it better or worse, it doesn't minimise your own struggles. Even with support from friends and family it still makes sense that you would feel depressed as it can be very isolating.

I understand that you would feel angry about having anxiety and depression and perhaps feeling that you aren't getting anywhere. It's okay to feel angry about what you are going through. But try not to be angry at yourself. It's not you that's the problem- it's the depression and anxiety. I understand that you may feel consumed by these things but they are only part of you and do not define you.

It makes sense that you would try bargaining with yourself about wanting to use unhealthy coping strategies in order to deal with your struggles. And while they may seem like they will keep you alive, you deserve to be living your life fully not just surviving.

I'm sorry to hear just how bad your depression is. When life seems pointless to you, I understand why you feel you enjoy nothing and don't see the point in continuing. And why you would start to think about methods. It's good that you have things to keep you going. Is it possible that when you finish one thing you can find another to replace it? You never know what you might find that you might like.

All that said, how would you feel about telling someone, friend or family member, how you have been thinking and feeling recently? Don't forget there's always hotlines like the samaritans you can call too.

Take care

[DiafolEternal]

So followed the last bit and told my friend.
Basically the reply was "I wasnt being fair and she cant help."

My will, want and motivation are gone. 6-7 weeks then I can check out.

Thanks for the help, and sorry x

[Celyn]

I'm sorry to hear that telling your friend didn't help. That must've been devastating to hear and it makes sense that you would feel worse. You are at a real low point and need help.

Are you able to go back to the doctors and see if they can change your medication or offer you more therapy? It can take a while to get the right treatment for you but it's worth it. Don't forget that the Samaritans https://www.samaritans.org/ are always available to listen. I know it doesn't feel like it, but things got a bit better for you before and they can get better again. Take care

[DiafolEternal]

Honestly. I dont want to anymore.
for the past few weeks I have felt a peace knowing an end is in sight.

I am grateful for the help. but my sentiment from 3 weeks ago still holds. Even if i cant say a good bye to friends first.

GoT, Pikachu, End Game...

[DiafolEternal]

Further follow up from the above.

I have had an amazing few days with all my friend groups. And have thoroughly enjoyed myself.
Full days of DnD with my two DnD groups, BloodBowl with my Warhammer Group, and Board Games with another friend group. And I gave the most heartfelt good byes I could.

I have never thought more clearly. that I want an end to this. Yes I enjoyed the above, the now. but every single one of those relationships, groups, and friends will fade and die. Everything will die... so whats the point?

This is what I call existential depression, and I do not see a cure or answers. Meds and shrinks wont help as ultimately it is truth. while others that can not see or can not stand the thought of death, trying to cage those that see the truth to this life... Not out of love, but fear. They can not bear to be without, or can not stand the thought of death knowing that one day it will come for them as well.

Staying here or going. Their Hurt will fade, legacy and memory will fade. we are playing a game with no goals or objectives. and yea, I do not like that game. and have my end plan and date.

Enjoy what you can while you can, and i wish you to never feel as I do x

[Celyn]

I can't pretend to know how you feel as I haven't been in your situation. But I have had a friend attempt suicide before and though they still struggle with mental health, I can say that they don't feel as low as they did when they wanted to end their life. It is possible for things to improve.

You had a good time with friends, playing games together. Would you still have enjoyed these things if you hadn't made your decision? There's no reason to say that you couldn't still enjoy these things in the future. And those relationships, groups and friends might not necessarily fade and die. And if they did, it's okay to find other things and friends that give you joy, purpose and reason to keep going.

Speaking of which, I know you mention having a plan and a date, and I'm wondering if you would want to make a safety plan too? You've got GoT, Pikachu and Endgame to keep you going for a while, but are there other things that you might want to see or do after the date? And what about people that you can contact? I know you mention that things were a bit difficult with the friend who feels she can't help but are other other friends that you can talk to or hotlines that you can call?

You have been so strong to have gone such a long time being self-harm free in the past, and you've experienced some moments where you don't feel so depressed too. It is possible to experience these things again

[DiafolEternal]

Fuck, I don't even know how to say this or what to say.

I ate a substance last night I thought contained [Edited] and would be an end. lost feeling in my arms, my heart raced. both typical things for [Edited] poisoning. Then I went to sleep...

Now I have woken up and I don't know what to do...

[Celyn]

Hi, sorry for the delay in getting back to you.

How are you feeling now? Are you okay?

I understand you must be in a dark place right now and have many different and complicated emotions.

If you haven't already, it's really in your best interests to go to A&E and state that you have been suicidal and that you have taken a substance in an attempt to end your life. If you have taken any more or made another attempt, and need to get to hospital quickly, call 999.

You can also visit your GP and let them know how you have been feeling and ask them for a referral for a crisis team. This team will be made of different people who will be able to help you in living with mental illness and dealing with crises.

Please reach out and get help. You deserve it and you don't deserve to suffer

[DiafolEternal]

Hey Celyn.

I have not made another attempt yet. And I kind of want to visit my GP.
If im trapped here I would rather not feel trapped at least, but I am scared if i told them I tried to escape it would just make things worse

[Celyn]

I'm glad to hear that you haven't made another attempt yet. How are you feeling about seeing your GP?

I understand it can definitely be scary reaching out for help, especially if you talk about your attempt and are worried about making things worse. But professionals are there to help and you should feel empowered to make decisions with your GP and other mental health professionals to get the treatment and support you need. It might take a while to find the things that work for you but you deserve to give yourself the chance to feel better. It can be worth it

[DaggersAndDaiseys]

I think you should look into some philosophers, or take a philosophy class. I understand your point, however you are not looking beyond the system of capitalism, which has definitely not been around for more than two hundred years. We think that this system, the 9-5 is hows its always been and always will be, yet we created this system. Wouldn’t you think that we can change it if we wanted? �� you ask some great questions, you really should look into socrates and one of my favorites is meditations 1 and 2 by Descartes. There is so much more to life than you think!

[Dawn.]

This is a really good question.

For me, it's my family, my boyfriend and my dreams.