Triggering (SH): Depression & Anxiety = Hell

[Chaotic_]

So, this semester (though I'm literally only my second week in) has been hell. I don't think I can manage everything. My depression is acting up, I'm getting super heavy and feel like returning to self-harm basically every night. I haven't done anything yet but it has been on my mind.

My last counseling session my counselor really pushed me to look at all of triggers for what we thought was anxiety, but now I'm just super depressed. Like a lot of it stems back to thoughts of suicide, self-harm, a lot that happened in college, etc. He wants me to e-mail him things I want to talk about at our next session throughout the week because he knows that I have a lot to say but I just can't get it out. I want to e-mail him about the self-harm and depression but I don't know what to say, and I don't want him to be concerned. I'm not a danger to myself, and I don't want to come off that way. Though every once and while for a split second, I do have thoughts of suicide but I typically snap out of it fast because I know that I have a lot to live for and a lot I want to do with my life.

I'm just struggling with it all. I have a lot on my plate. I'm in my last semester of college. I live with my boyfriend so their our household responabilities to take care of. I run my own business. I'm taking three classes. My advisor enrolled me in an internship that I have to do before I graduate. But the internship is 45 minutes away via high way and I can't drive the high way without having a panic attack. My advisor also isn't understanding. He's the type that is like "you have to just suck it up and do it," but I literally cannot. I can't drive on the highway. I freak.

All of this, toppled with everything else that I have to do is killing my mental health ever so slowly. I just need help and I don't know what to do.

[.Brittany.]

Hi Cass,

I see that you posted this a couple days ago. Did you end up giving into your urges?

Did you mention to your counselor that he was pushing you too hard during your appointment and that it made you start feeling depressed? Also, maybe you can pretend that you're writing a blog and then send the letter to him?

I remember you mentioning before that you have trouble driving on the highway. Are you able to call a driving school in your area to see if they can help you drive on the highway until you start feeling more comfortable?

Don't forget, you have a list of alternatives that can be found here and a list of hotlines you can use as well.

Let me know if I can do anything else
Stay strong,
Brittany

[Chaotic_]

Thanks for responding.
Thankfully no, I haven't given in. I actually got a tattoo when I was a year clean that signified I was done with that part of my life and that I survived. So that keeps me strong when my urges hit for the most part. It's just frustrating because I can literally envision doing it sometimes. I usually just text a crisis line when I feel like it because I feel like I can't chat with my friends or boyfriend about it - I'm super ashamed of it.

As for my counselor. I don't think he is pushing me to hard, I think he is pushing more than anyone ever has. And honestly, I kind of believe if therapy doesn't hurt, it's not really doing it's job at healing me.

I do want to e-mail him about the self-harm urges, but I am not sure what to say to him. I don't want him to worry - I just want to talk about it next meeting.

As for the high-way, since I'm 24 and have my license, I couldn't do driving school. But I doubt it would help anyways, because my high way issue isn't that I don't know how to drive on the high-way, or that I question my skills, it's just that I have a panic attack every time I get on.