Hurts Too Much To Breathe

[*Faith*]

I don't know how else to explain it. Mum took me to the doctors today and instead of giving me something for my acne she was down my throat about being depressed and missing lessons. I can't stay in school, I can't stay in life. Sod the future, I don't want to live and see if I may find happiness. I want my freedom out of life. It hurts more with every breathe I take and I just keep crying everyday, I don't want help I want out.

[ThatpersonIusedtobe]

Hi Faith

I may not know very well how you are feeling, but I do know how it feels to "don't want to live to see if you may find happiness". You said you needed out, there must be a way, but to find that way, you have to fight to stay on the path first. It might be hard to find, or may seem so impossible, but don't give up. Everything is up to you, you can make the right choice. If we ar not born to be happy, we have to believe that we can create it by ourselves. Move forward with Faith (though it's also hard to find)

Sorry if I can't help much.

[Darrenboy!]

hey faith.

firstly, i wanna say that you'll always have my support.. and that whatever you're going through, will pass soon because everything will get better. I have faith that it will promise!!

and you know how we're ...we got your back. no matter what happens so faith, always remember that you got here with us.

and you've to tell your mom about how you're feeling about this.. because once she understands and knows how you're feeling, she'll show her understanding side .. ( and you know that deep down.. she really and truly loves you ) .

Be sure to update me on this cause i want to know how it improves. i say it's going to improve because i know it will .

[TheNumber42]

Hey Faith, sorry you're not doing very good.

The doctor was down your throat or your mom was? If the doctor knows you're depressed, are they still insisting you don't need a therapist? If so, they are being absolutely horrible.

I know you say you don't want help and you don't want to be happy, but why not? If all the pain could be gone and you could still be alive here with us, why would that be a bad thing? I know that, if you really want that, it will happen, you just have to want it.

You're really a great person. I know you try to convince yourself and everyone else of how horrible you are and how you don't deserve happiness, but it's just not true at all. Honestly, you're really awesome and you don't deserve to feel this way. I know so many selfish, mean people that are happy. If they can be happy, then you more than deserve to be happy. I don't think you have a mean or selfish bone in your body. And when you're not feeling really down, you're just a really, really fun person. You have no idea how much fun I have talking to you. I can be and then I get a PM from you and I'm like

I know you can do this, like Darren said, this WILL improve. We all believe in you and I'm always going to be here for you no matter what happens, ok?

Stay strong, you can do this!

[*Faith*]

I almost went last night, I just it didn't work aswell as I planned. There's just no point in staying, I don't want to stay and I don't need to stay. Maybe there's happiness in an afterlife or something. Don't want to wait for something that may or may not come in this life.
It was my docotor that was down my throat first then my mum decided to follow. Apparently I should just cheer up and socialise.

[Darrenboy!]

i think that you should just take some time to think.. and realize that some days, it just isnt our day.. but after this, everything will get better... i SWEAR it will

and i know there's happiness in store for you, faith. just stand strong and brave through the tough times for now.. after all this all the happiness that you deserve will come.

[*Faith*]

Don't ever promise anything. They always get broken. There's just nothing here for me.

[TheNumber42]

Yea, it WILL get better. I promise you it will and I promise I'll always be here for you. I don't break my promises, ok?

Your mom and your doctor both were being horrible. I don't get how adults can't see that lectures do nothing more than discourage and depress. And if I had any power, your doctor would lose their freaking license for not referring you to a therapist, even when you've asked.

I know it's hard, but you just have to keep going. There are so many people that care about you so much and want to help you, myself included. You have all of our support and you are extremely strong. I know that you can make it through this. I KNOW you have the strength, you just need to believe in yourself, believe in your future.

Please don't do anything drastic. Things seem bad now, and they are, but they will get better. No one stays like this forever and you're no different. You will be happy one day, but you have to fight for it. You obviously want help because you're here posting, and you are getting so much better at actually accepting help. I've seen a huge amount of progress DON'T GIVE UP NOW!

You deserve happiness. You've brought it to so many other people. I've had a really rough last couple days, and your PMs really did help cheer me up, and I know you brighten other people's days so much. Someone that gives so much happiness must deserve 100 times more back.

Just stay strong, I'm going to be here for me, like it or not. You aren't getting rid of me. I know you're going to make it through this and I'm going to be here for you all along the way

[jinxed angel]

Faith,
Times are bad, but someone told me, that for every bad thing there are three good things. I don't know if you will believe it, and I'm not saying it's true, but I think it could be. And things could get better. If you really try to make them better and you give it some time, it should. It will. I am not one to give out bs, so don't worry that I'm lying, 'cause I'm not. If you ever need to talk to someone, I am here, and probably most everyone on this site is. You can PM me.

[*Faith*]

Don't promise things like that! They won't get better, my b'day was a one off like last year. You can beat my doctor up if you wish though.

There isn't a point in staying if I'm not needed I won't hang about. Plus I really need to do something for me for once. This being it, I need my escape away from everything and since life doesn't give me that, I'll try a different path.

Only stayed one night because I promised someone I would but now since it's the next morning I really do regret it. I feel like I can't breathe. The numbness hurts

[TheNumber42]

But it will get better. Your birthday may seem like a one off, but it proves you can be happy. What if you felt like on your birthday everyday, would that be worth it? That CAN happen, you just have to stick around for us, ok?

And if I lived over there, your doctor would get a beating!

You are needed. There are so many people that care about you SO MUCH. Your family, me, everyone who's ever come into contact with you on here. I know that living for all of us isn't enough, but add in the all the happiness you could have, the full, amazing life you deserve.

There are other ways to get rid of the pain. I know you can do it, please just try. Believe in yourself and your potential.

*giant hug* Stay strong, you can make it through this, don't do anything stupid, K?

[*Faith*]

How'd you know that I'll feel like I do on my b'day everyday? There's just no guarantee! I don't want to take the risk and I don't want to stick around. It just hurts so much that I can't take it anymore
If they care why not let me go? I'm not a big loss, it'll actually be relieving to have me gone. There's nothing here for me.

I'm going to end up slipping tonight I know it, I have everything I need and I have no control of myself

[kaytastrophie_xo]

That is exactly the reason people won't let you go; because they do care. I won't promise you anything because at the end of the day it's how you handle it but I can give you advice on how you can feel like everyone has promised you can.

You're right, it is time for you to do something for yourself, but killing yourself shouldn't fall in that catagory. You need to reach out. Use that voice that you were given and tell someone that you seriously need help getting through everything right now. Tell someone of the suicide attempts. Tell someone that if your current situation doesn't change that you will kill yourself. If you let someone know they can help you, you just have to find the right person.

I know how it feels to have absolutly no will to live, I almost attempted a few times. But I found something to live for; my sister. If you can't find something for yourself then find someone else. I know there is someone or something out there you're holding on to because otherwise you wouldn't still be here. Just take a tighter grip on that and don't let go.

Please don't give up. You may not feel like you are willing to wait for happiness to come but once it does you will know that waiting was worth it.

If you want to talk, I'm here.
Stay strong hunn.

[*Faith*]

It just doesn't feel like I need to hang on anymore. The person doesn't need me to hang on because they have so many other friends. My life doesn't matter, I've learnt that the hard way and I've come to terms with it. Even if I wanted help, there's no strength in me to do it. Just drift through life hoping the numb feeling will finally kill me.

[TheNumber42]

Faith, I never said everyday would be that good, of course everyone has bad days, but the majority of your days really could be like that. Isn't that worth living for?

Angela is right, tell someone. You need help to get through this, but you CAN get through this.

Your friend may seem to have alot of other friends and you may feel unimportant, but I guarantee none of her other friends are as amazing and special as you. If she appreciates you for a tenth of what you're worth, she'll be broken and devastated over losing you.

Stay strong. I'm here for you.

[*Faith*]

You know I've tried telling someone. They think I'm fine...so I say just let them. They don't mind if I live or die and neither does anyone else. Nothing is worth living for anymore.
I only drag people down so there's no point hanging on for her, she has people to hold her up now and that's all I needed to know.

[Darrenboy!]

thats not true... no matter what, you've people to support you . and you dont drag people down.... in fact, you make us even happier because you're such a nice person.. and your presence is such a blessing..

you've real friends in all of us.. and we'll back you up .

[TheNumber42]

And the person you tried to tell is a moron and wouldn't believe you. Don't give up, try to tell someone else. It's so important that you do.

I more than mind if you live or die!!! I really, really care about you. How many times do I have to tell you this to get you to believe it? You're an amazing person. Losing you you would be a major blow to me and the world would lose an absolutely incredible person. Anyone who doesn't care is cold-hearted and blind. Why do you insist on belittling yourself? You are so much better than that.

Will they be enough to hold her up after losing you? I really don't see how that would be possible. You may think you're unimportant, but you are so important. You ARE worth something, you do matter!

And I don't know if you read my PM yet, but I explained just how happy you make me. You don't drag me down a bit. You bring me up. The only way you could drag me down is to take yourself from me

[*Faith*]

Meh, I don't have friends. I just get hurt by people. There's no one else to tell so I just want to give up. You can keep repeating it over and over but I won't believe you, I know you're lying. People don't care and I'm worthless so there would be no point in caring anyway. I don't mean anything to her anymore so she can pretty much hold herself up.

[TheNumber42]

FAITH!! LISTEN TO ME!! Please....

Why would I be taking time out of school, something which may get me in huge trouble, to talk and argue with you over how important and amazing you are if I didn't believe it? Think about it for a moment. Don't look at it through a filter of 'I'm not important', look at it logically, why would I be trying so hard to help if I didn't care?

Well, I'm hoping that you arrived at the answer that I obviously care about you ALOT, but I know how stubborn you are, so I won't hold my breath. I just wish you would quit putting yourself down... you are worth so much more than that, you deserve better.

And you say your friend doesn't care? Well believe me, she may have lost swight of what's important, but do you know how many pieces she will break into once you are gone? Do you have any idea what that will do to her? To your parents? To all the people that care about you here?

[*Faith*]

I don't know what to believe! People say they care and then they walk away so I just give up with believing people and push them away as best I can. There's nothing good about me so there's nothing else to do but put myself down. It makes it easier for people not to 'care'.
She won't break into any pieces, it's because of me that she's gone. I walked away. I don't know whether I regret it or not. It won't affect TH if I go and my parents (lets just not go there..)

[TheNumber42]

Well, believe me. I'm always going to care about you and be here for you. I don't care how you try to push me away or give me ways not to care, it isn't going to work. You're stuck with me.

I understand how much you've been hurt in the past, but you can't let the actions of a few prejudice you against many. There are so many people that care about you, and so many more that would care if you let them. Just try to let them in. I know you can do it.

You pushed your friend away because you were afraid if you didn't, she would just leave you first? I can understand that. But just because you walked away doesn't mean she doesn't care about you or that she would be at all fine if you were gone. And yes, you would change TH. Sure the effect would be different depending on who you asked. You ask me, and I would tell you that TH could never be the same. It would be a permanently darker place without you. I know there are alot of people that would agree with me.

I don't want to get into your parents if that's a sore subject, but you are their daughter, it would hurt them. No matter what kind of relationhip you have now, it would put them in so much pain. They obviously care about you, or they wouldn't keep you from riding your bike, right? Wouldn't give you lectures (which, unfortunetally are the adult way of saying they care).

Just stay strong and believe in yourslef a bit more. YOU ARE AN AMAZING, WONDERFUL, KIND and CARING person. Don't let yourself or anyone else tell you otherwise.

[*Faith*]

The bottom line is, I fucked up my life and I'm going to keep fucking it up along with everything good that comes into it so it's just another reason why I shouldn't stay. I pushed her away so I wouldn't feel the pain and now I'm close to carving my arm to pieces. Every part of Faith screams fuck up so you're either lying or you're blinded by something.

[Bibliophile]

Faith,i'm here if you need me.
As you know.

[TheNumber42]

I'll admit, I do see that you've made some mistakes, who hasn't? No one's perfect, and you're no exception. That doesn't mean that you are a fuck up. There is no mistake that can't made right, except for one. You know what that one is? Suicide. Once you're dead, there is no coming back. I guarantee that any other mistakes you've made can be fixed, you just need to approach them one at a time and calmly work through thme.

Faith, I am blinded. I'm blinded by the incredible amount of light and happiness you bring into my life. But being blinded doesn't mean I am wrong. I may not see all of your faults as cleary as you do, but you are also blinded. Surely you must realize that you have an amazing, beautiful side. Not the horrible one you seem fixated on. You are more blind to all of your good qualities as I am to your bad. I admit there is some bad, but you won't even admit there is a trace of good in you.

Please don't do anythin stupid. I really, honestly care about you. I'm not lying when I say that, and if something happened to you, I would be devastated. I can't speak for your friends or family or the rest of TH, but I know that I care about you way too much for me to just forget you after a couple days.

[*Faith*]

I don't want to come back. I'm done with life and people. They've hurt me, I've just cut all strings and I'm ready to leave.

[Bibliophile]

If you leave you will take part of me with you.

[TheNumber42]

And a huge piece of me too.

If you were trying to cut all strings, why did you come on here? You must have known it would just add complication and make it harder to leave. But that's what you really want, isn't it? You don't want to go, you want someone to care, you want the pain to stop. Don't you? Even though you won't admit it, I'm pretty sure it is. And you can have those things. All the people that have posted and tried to help you care. Simply Complex, Dareen, me. We all care about you and we're doing our best to help you get better. Why can't you let us help? What is stopping you?

[*Faith*]

I don't know why I came back. I don't know why I'm still here. It's just going to all end tonight.

[TheNumber42]

Faith, can you just answer something for me? Why do you find it so hard to accept help? I have tried every argument I know how to construct to prove you aren't a failure, that you deserve happiness. But you just won't even believe me, or anyone else, you won't even believe that I care. Why did you ask for help if you didn't mean to accept it? Why are you here making bonds, getting us to care about you, only to take yourself away from us?

I'm so glad that you came here, and even though I'll be heartbroken if you do anything, I'm glad I've had the chance to meet you. You're a wonderful person and you've brought me so much happiness. I just really hope that you won't leave and take it all with you, that you won't rip out a part of my soul like that.

I'm not going to give up arguing, I promised I wouldn't ever leave you. I'm just beginning to wonder how much I can do to help you when you ask for help but won't accept it.

[Bibliophile]

There is always something to fight for,there's nothing stopping you from living.
You know that i know too much about you.
You are a strong girl though,and you can get through this.

[*Faith*]

I don't know! I don't know whether it's because I need to vent or something happened in my subconscious. Something just told me to post. It's taking me everything I have no to go right now because I'm just ready to slip away tonight.

[TheNumber42]

Well, you're extremely strong, I know you can make it through this. Just keep talking to us and try to stay calm, you can do this, ok?

It sounds to me like there is a part of you that realizes that dying isn't the right option. You need to listen to that part of you! You have the strength to make it through this and you will. I'm here for you, always.

[*Faith*]

Why do I need to make it through? Death is easier. Death involves no people.

[TheNumber42]

Death involves people. It may not involve you directly interacting with them, but your death will affect so many people. I know that, and please don't think I'm being too dramatic because I'm not, if you die, a piece of my soul will die with you. And think of all of the people in your life it will affect. I've seen the aftermath of suicides before, it affects whole communities, not just people that knew them, everyone. So don't say it doesn't include people, that really isn't true.

[*Faith*]

People move on from the one's they've lost and since I'm not well liked or known around my town I don't think it'll be that much of a deal. I get hurt by so many people around here that'll it'll be just easier to go.

[TheNumber42]

And your family? Me? SimplyComplex? Darren? Marie? Anyone else that's gotten to know you? What about all of us?

There are ways other than death, why not take the time to try some of them out. Death will still be an option later, but why not look at all your options?

[Perplexity]

Hi Faith,

I've looked at this thread a couple of times tonight and coming back, wondering what to say. Thinking about how much I can relate to some of the things that you are saying and going through. I honestly don't know what to say and what I am going to say will make things any better. One thing that I know is true and that others do as well, is that your NOT alone with any of this, not at all, your reaching out to us, telling us what is going on, giving us the chance to help you. Faith, this is not your time to go, not now, not in a long time. Suicide is not chosen; it happens when pain exceeds resources for coping with pain.” That’s all it’s about. You are not a bad person, or crazy, or weak, or flawed, because you feel suicidal. It doesn’t even mean that you really want to die - it only means that you have more pain than you can cope with right now.

Suicide, however, takes your pain, and spreads it to every single person you have ever touched, ever met and ever known. Suicide makes your depression contagious - but that's not the worst part really.

The worst part is you can get through this and move on in your life, so don't waste it on suicide. You have the power to not only save hundreds of people pain, but to also save your own life and get through this.

A lot of people criticise the idea that we shouldn't end our lives to save others suffering. That it would be selfish to ask them to have us suffer through our pain. But why would people who love and care you want you to live with this depression?

Because - you will live after this depression. You won't live after suicide. Remember that suicide is permanent. There is no going back after it.

Even when things get hard and people will urge you on, even for their sake, they're not trying to spare themselves from their pain, but they are trying to help you through.

The reality is, you mean something to someone. You may not believe me. I'm not going to force you to. There have been times where I have felt like I have meant nothing to nobody.

Our minds - when clouded by depression - can be so focussed on the idea that we are alone we forget there are people who care about us. So if you think you're alone, and your death won't affect anyone - I ask you to ask someone who knows you about that. See what they say.

Suicide does affect those around you. Faith, it's not your time to go. You ARE strong, your still here, fighting and talking to us, you made this thread didn't you? People have replied to it because they care about you and want to support you through this tough time. How do you know that things are always going to be like this? Faith, your only 17. Think about it. 17. Life is just beginning, there is so much in life still for you to discover and in that time things can change. These tough times don't last but tough people do and you, you are one of them.

I am always around if you need to talk, anytime. My PM box is always open if you want to talk. I'm not sure if this post helped at all, but I just wanted to let you know that I DO care and that your not alone with this.

[*Faith*]

I've screamed my lungs out and it feels like there's no breath left in me at all.
Around here no one cares what happens to me. I keep myself at a distance from my family (maybe they'll care a little but they have to I guess it's family), I don't speak to anyone at school anymore, I just hide at the back. Sometimes just skip the lesson when my mood drops to an even lower state because I know that the teacher will just push through to an even lower state.

Some people on TH have been amazing friends to me but you all have each other and I'll just slip away and be a forgotten memory. I just want my freedom away from people, maybe it's bad because I'll be hurting myself but I guess I have ways to deal with it. I don't want to come back to this world!

There's just no strength left in me to fight and no reason to.

[TheNumber42]

Faith, you can make things better. If you shut everyone else out, how can they help you? I know how much pain you're in, but Shaz is right, all you'll do by killing yourself is spread and multiply that pain. Why do that when you CAN get better and just get rid of the pain altogether?

Sure, I have a couple other friends on TH, but that won't make losing you any easier. Just don;t do it.