Triggering: Depression

For the last seven months or so I've been struggling with my mental health. I've already made some other posts about what's happened over the last few months but most recently I was placed in the psychiatric ward following a suicide attempt last month. In the hospital they took me off half of my medication and decreased one of my other medications. For a couple of days after the hospital things seemed fine, but they quickly deteriorated.

I know I'm depressed, but the form that depression has taken has changed so much over the past few weeks that it's exhausted me even more than I already was. Sometimes I'm numb. Sometimes I'm apathetic. Sometimes all I want to do is cry. Always I feel completely and utterly hopeless. I don't see the point in looking for the light at the end of the tunnel anymore or searching for the silver lining in things. I think about death quite often. I don't want to actively commit suicide, but I find myself hoping some accident or illness will take me away. I imagine it must be nice to be dead, to not feel anything anymore. I haven't self-harmed in over a month but I keep thinking about starting to again just to feel something. I've gotten drunk almost every night just to try and feel some semblance of happiness, to feel like "me," and not this depressed, sad person.

Several times over the past seven months I have thought I had reached my breaking point. I thought my suicide attempt was my break point. I was wrong. This is so much worse, this place of resignation, of hopelessness. I'm tired. I've given up on trying to get better because I don't see the point anymore. Even if I somehow manage to pull it together I'm just going to feel like this again in another year or two. On and on it's going to go for the rest of my life, and I just don't care anymore. There's no point in caring.

I guess I just need some hope. Some words of encouragement. I'm hoping someone may have some insight that can lead me to feeling like there's something worth giving a crap about, because I'm running out of things that make me feel that way. All I've got is my family, and I'm afraid that's not going to be enough eventually. Then I don't know where I'll be.

Help?

Hey Jordan,

I don't know if I have much insight in regards to help you beat this but I do think you will get to a better place. I have been following your blogs and I hope you have been seeing some of the comments I have been leaving.

I think that you are doing everything right though and taking care of yourself, especially when you are struggling so much is impressive and shows how strong you are.

Something that helped me come out of a depressive episode (it was pretty severe and my therapist was talking about residential) was volunteering. I went through a few different volunteer opportunities before I found one that worked for me and stuck but it helped immensely. Maybe this is something that would help you? For me, having something that I was committed to for two hours one night of the week for six weeks seemed to help.

I think that talking to your psychiatrist about this and seeing what she has to suggest might help as well. I read your blog so I know you plan on calling her tomorrow. It might be that the hospital taking you off some of your medicine's has gotten you even more out of whack but it might be something else.

I know this has been going on for seven months but it can turn itself around. It can take quite a bit of time for that to happen though.

Is there anything you love doing? I know you don't have a lot of motivation but maybe if you did some simple things that bring you joy you'd feel something again? I know feeling numb has been a big issue for you recently.

I don't know if that helped but I am here if you ever want to talk.

Thank you Jenna. I have been getting your comments on my blogs and I really appreciate them.

For a long time TeenHelp was my volunteering. Technically it still is but I was on leave for three weeks when I went to the hospital and since coming off I haven't taken any calls for Live Help. I think if I started taking calls again I might start feeling better but I don't really feel like I'm in much of a place to help anyone. People call in with all kinds of issues but often it's because of self-harm and suicidal thoughts and I don't feel like I'm really one to talk on those particular comments. I tell people there's hope- because for them I believe there is- but it rings so hollow in my own ears because I can't seem to find my own hope.

I think if I got out of the house it might do me some good, even to just go see some friends to do something fun, like bowling or going to see a movie. I just can't seem to motivate myself to go out. I get tired so easily these days. Going to the store and doing chores takes up a lot of energy, let alone going out and socializing with people. Since I can't even bring myself to do that I'm not sure how I'd volunteer. I should also technically go to work but I haven't managed to bring myself to do that.

There isn't much I love doing anymore. In fact I can't think of anything I love doing, except getting tea. I'm still pushing myself to do that multiple times a week just because if I do it enough it might give me some happiness. I still don't love it as much as I used to, though. I don't really engage in any hobbies. I stay home in bed and talk to my girlfriend on Facebook while she's at work; that's pretty much it.

People keep telling me that there's hope, that it'll turn around, but I just don't know how. I'm doing everything I can think of. I'm trying two new types of therapy, EMDR and DBT for individual sessions (I've done DBT groups before and I don't think that's really what I need right now). Tomorrow is my last session for a while with my old therapist. She wants me to go to residential but I don't know if that's what I really need. I'm trying all kinds of meds and it doesn't seem to be helping. ECT has been brought up as a possibility but I'm scared of that. I did ask my doctor about TMS but she said it isn't as effective and that most insurances don't pay for it and it can cost about $20,000 out of pocket, so ECT would be my best option if we go that route.

I just want to wake up from this nightmare. I keep hoping I'll get up one morning and suddenly I'll have a bunch of hope for the future but I don't think that's going to happen. It scares me to feel like I'll never get better.