How to work despite having depression?

[Stagger]

I've been suffering from depression these last two years. It started when I graduated high-school, it became worse after getting a full-time job that was stressful. I almost commit suicide but after confessing this to someone they convinced me to quit the job instead of killing myself.

I was unemployed for about two weeks before accepting another job. This position has been better for me: with less hours, fun coworkers, and a better pay. I'm grateful but also still struggle with the depression. I feel miserable almost all of the time and the extreme fatigue I'm experiencing makes it hard for me to keep up at work.

I have called out so much that my employers are starting to suspect something is up and I imagine others have said I'm unreliable. I feel ashamed and the more I call out the worse I feel about myself. I know that I can't make up excuses for my behavior and it isn't fair to my coworkers.

I've just been having a hard time coping with how I feel. I look around and see the people I went to high-school with going to universities, joining activist groups, creating families, starting a band, etc. I feel unaccomplished and no matter how much I ask the question, I can't seem to find what I want to do.

For a while, shopping alleviated the pain so I spent hundreds of dollars on useless stuff like clothing and technology. I've been trying new hobbies like sewing and drawing but nothing seems to stick and each time I give up I beat myself up more.

I know this post is long so I appreciate anyone who reads it. If anyone has some advice I'd love to hear it.


Thank you

[JazzyJazz]

Hey there.

I think that where you are going wrong is comparing yourself to your peers. I used to do the same. But then I realised that it makes no sense to compare what I'm doing to what my friends are doing, because we are completely different people. So one day, when I was sitting at my desk feeling like a failure, I scribbled something on a piece of paper and pinned it to my noticeboard:

"Don't worry about what everyone else is doing. Do what feels right for you. <3"

There will always be someone who appears to be having more success than you. But success if a very personal thing and completely subjective. There are people who would consider you successful for being able to hold down jobs.

All the things that you have mentioned (e.g. starting a family, going to university, etc.) can be done at any age and there really is no rush or pressure for you to do those things. You may never want to do them, and that is completely fine, because there will be things that you do want to do. I realise that you are wanting to know what those things are, so my advice is to continue to experiment; try different things and see what grabs you. Don't beat yourself up if something isn't you, just move on to something else. Try also to do some things that you know you are good at. This will help to boost your self esteem.

There is the possibility that no matter what you try, you will continue to feel depressed. If this happens, I think it would be worth you speaking to someone such as a counsellor. They can help you to find some focus and ways of improving your outlook on life and opinion of yourself.