Constant depression and often suicidal rant.

[AliceGhoul]

Hiii,
I actually decided to come back to this site after awhile. Im back here, because I've been struggling with severe depression, severe anxiety, and often suicidal thoughts. I've lasted without therapy or any meds for about 10 years. Like before about 1-2 years ago, I used to be a happier person and used to not think about suicide at all or really very rarely, but all of a sudden, I have to deal with my grandpa dying and at the moment, my grandma has cancer, so I'm not sure how long she has left. Always having job hunting troubles cause people are a bitch and dont want to hire some anxious, depressed person. Home used to feel like home to me and I used to have no troubles being at home and I used to feel safe. Now..all I think about is running away or moving out, however no income means no moving out. This is cause I dont feel all that sane in my house. It feels like hell. My urge to have a clean house and the wanting to be taken cared of is making feel insane. I want to be independent. I just want to have my sanity back, but right now, I feel insane as shit and about to lose my god damn mind. Every since my grandma left to live with my uncle and aunt, the stress has been at its highest constantly. I cant sleep, im always worrying about eating and feel like I'm losing weight than gaining weight, im constantly thinking of suicide (I even have this habit of strangling myself when im laying down and thinking of ways to just end myself). Im dreaming of stabbing myself over and over again and even doing self-torture. Im absolutely going insane and i feel like always that one day im going to really going to kill myself. Btw I am in therapy however i dont really feel all that different. Rather i feel worse and Im prob going to ask my therapist to go on meds if i cant get myself straighten out soon.

[Green Yoshi]

Hello Clayton

I think it's best to remember that no matter what happens, the people who love us, never truly leave us. Your grandpa would also want you to be happy and would really like it if you believe and like yourself more. What you need to do is to slowly overcome this, and maybe take a year off ... doing things that will let you grow as a person and a helper I get the feeling that you're someone who doubts yourself a lot,which doesn't need to be the case. Just believe in yourself.. because there is no reason not to. If you're anxious ... think about the fact that you'll be able to better handle situations that you aren't used to if you're willing to think things through. Don't need to force yourself to not think about anything.. just handle everything naturally , and remember that your grandpa is watching over you.

His smile is your smile, and your smile his.

You're very much better than you think you are, and you don't need to beat yourself up. Everyone goes through experiences and they've made mistakes. So have you. But they've learned from all of these encounters and have become better people than they once were.

So can you.

Just handle everything one at a time, and remember to not rush things . If you do your best at everything you try your hand at, and slowly gather self-confidence and belief, then you will definitely be okay. There's no point thinking about suicide because you've so many other experiences for you.... most of them happy rather than sad. There'll be some sad moments, but the joy of the good will far outweigh the bad. You are loved, and loved so much.

Mary's an awesome person for being so determined and strong, and I'm proud of Mary Clayton. Most of all, Mary Clayton should be proud of Mary Clayton Remember that you'll always have us to rant to, and we'll always be around for you. I'll always be here if you need someone to talk to or just want a friend