Triggering (Suicide): Depression and Emptiness

[Megane]

Greetings, I'm Megane and I would like to share my experience with depression; from mild depression to having suicidal episodes out of severe emotional distress.

I'm 14 years old, male and my life has simply been a series of unfortunate events after the other. I live as an only child and grew up with parents always arguing with each other and taking their anger out on me, whether it be yelling, passive-aggressive insults or even to the point of having objects thrown at my head in the rarest of occasions. I always had self-esteem issues growing up and I knew since I was very little that I wanted to be a scientist/physicist, but I never had any confidence in myself or could even love myself to believe that. My parents love for me is conditional as they hardly ever talk to me anymore and they only focus on my talents or gifts. I've rarely been hugged, kissed or even given compliments growing up, so I only find myself empty of affection because of that. Going to elementary school was hard too, even though I made a lot of accquantances, I got verbally abused and even got physicially bullied by different people over the years. On top of that, I failed the gifted and talent test on the first try and when I took it again, I still failed. Yet somehow, when I take the Mensa test that actually measures intelligence, I get a very high score of 148. That's not even the beginning though, in middle school I was threatened, bullied and isolated to a degree and there wasn't anything I could do about it. However, at the point in 8th grade where I thought I had everything, all A honor roll at my years at both elementary and middle school, having a lot of friends, a girlfriend and even winning an award for best male scholar out of the entire 8tj grade. Only to then have it all taken away from me when my girlfriend kept insulting me and accusing me of destructive behavior and eventually completely hating me while making more friends only to rub it in my face. My friends are all either; away, moved, gone, dislike me, make fun of me, hate me or don't care about me at all. My parents are divorcing very soon, family issues are getting worse and I've found myself all alone and filled with regret.

It's been one year since I've tried to commit suicide and I'm still fighting despite the circumstances.

I'm empty on the inside and I want to be happy again.

[Thereishope]

Hey there!

First off I want to say I am sorry to hear about all you have been through! I understand it can be tough living through that. Things can and will get better though. Have you ever tried to talk to an adult about the bullying you've been through. A teacher, etc? You should not have to go through that.

I also can understand what it's like having parents who have marriage issues and end up divorcing. My parents divorced when I was young. Hopefully they will work with you so that you will be able to cope with it fairly well.

You can and will find happiness again! Don't lose hope on that. If you ever need anyone to talk to don't hesitate to PM me. Your life is worth living!

Hey there and welcome to TeenHelp!

Sounds like you have dealt with a lot already and you're only 14 years old. I'm really sorry to hear all you've been through and are currently going through but I hope that writing this out here has helped somehow.

Considering the way you've been treated, I can see how it would result in not having confidence in yourself and having low self esteem. But I want to encourage you to keep working toward your dreams of becoming a scientist/physicist. Regardless of what anyone says or how they treat you or even your own negative perspective of yourself stemming from the way you have been treated, it doesn't define your potential. Don't let that get the best of you, okay? I know that is easier said than done but you've wanted this for a long time so don't let anyone hold you back from achieving your dreams. You can do it, just don't give up on it. Maybe it would help to set small goals for yourself and take small steps. Along with that, you could also make a list of your strengths both physically and personality-wise to boost your confidence a little?

You seem to have been through a lot and your parents going through a divorce cannot be easy for you. I'm really sorry that is happening right now. Do you have anyone to talk to, such as a trusted teacher, school counselor or another trusted adult like a family member or close family friend? Having someone to talk to could be really helpful in helping you work through things. Speaking of, have you ever been to therapy and if not, would you consider it/is it possible to help you cope with everything going on right now? On the note of coping, do you have anything to turn to in your life that makes you happy when things get to be too much? Such as a healthy emotional outlet or a hobby for example. Journaling can be a great and therapeutic way to express yourself. You could even start a blog here on TeenHelp if you'd like! Don't be afraid to let yourself be immersed in hobbies that you enjoy to have a little break from all the stresses.

Have you expressed to your parents your feelings to them? Some parents can be making their child feel a certain way by not doing certain things without realizing it. When things are a little more calm, perhaps you could sit down with both of your parents and explain that you don't feel very close or loved by them but that you'd really like to change that? What might really help and brighten things up is to spend time with each your mom and dad and do different bonding hobbies. Whether it be crafts, video games, board games or even something like sports, camping or cycling. Those are just examples. I'm not sure if you have done things like this or not, but I hope you can find ways to improve the relationship between you and your parents. That could be really great for you.

Congratulations on winning that award in 8th grade and also being on the honor roll. Although, I'm sorry to hear about what happened afterwards and how your girlfriend began treating you. Along with the bullying you experienced before that. Do you still experience bullying at school? I hope not, I hope it has improved for you but if not, can you go to a trusted teacher or the school principal? You shouldn't have to deal with being bullied. You deserve better. Is there anyone at your school or in your neighborhood your age that seems friendly? Maybe it might be good to introduce yourself to new people and sort of branch out. Hopefully you will end up finding true, loyal friends that treat you well.

You've been treated quite badly by some of your friends and your girlfriend and I can also imagine how your parents treat you would make you feel alone and unloved. However, you're a really strong person for holding on and continuing to fight through all of this. I'm glad your suicide attempt last year did not work because you have a purpose, you have potential. I imagine you have a kind heart and a lot of great qualities that your parents are not fully appreciating, along with many others in your life. So no matter how anyone treats you or how hard things get, always remember that how you are treated does not define your worth or who you are. You shape who you are, so stay kind, caring and chase after your dreams, alright? I am not sure of your beliefs but mine are that God doesn't let hardships be for nothing; they help us learn how to cope, how to forgive and how to appreciate all the happy moments when they do happen. And most importantly, they teach us compassion and remind us how strong we can be. You can get through this, just keep holding on and don't give up.

[Green Yoshi]

I've already pm-ed you about this, and i'm pretty sure you know that i think you can bounce back from this. And if some friends don't appreciate you, make some new ones! No one's destined to be alone, and everyone's destined for love and companionship. And i'm pretty sure that the word "Everyone " includes you. I know that things will work out for you, and i think that you can beat this challenge.

Oh, and everyone who doesn't appreciate you, is missing out on a truly nice, sweet, bosom buddy. Forget the haters.. they'll never see the greatness within you and how good you are, and they don't deserve you anyway.

Stay strong, and i know you can beat this. I'm here for you ... rant to me anytime. I'll be both a friend and an ear that's always around You're better than you think you are!