Aftermath worse than depression itself

[Mister Sloth]

WARNING: Giant wall of text is an understatement.

I am a male aged 15. I will not provide any more information as it could identify me. It has been 6 months since I have been free of self harm or suicidal thoughts. Not all is well, however. Though I physically live, It seems as if my mind threw in the towel regardless of my conscious choice to live. Now, my issue is not laziness, it is counter-productivity, doing useless things with no long term benefit instead of core tasks. In a way, an extreme form of procrastination in which I expend all my energy into useless things.

I may still be clinically depressed as I am not a psychiatrist who can define my condition, but I am certainly healthier than I used to be. The feelings of worthlessness and despair have been replaced with a neutrality that won't be shifted. I have not laughed nor cried for the entire 6 months; my emotions are all but lost other than restlessness and paranoia.

When I was very young I was a brilliant child getting straight A-grades in every subject (Except sport) and I had a reasonable number of friends. Now I retain this "brilliance" to a certain extent but have lost interest in school. I hate the way they teach. I became impatient with the education system and stopped trying, being mixed in with a bunch of bullies, idiots and stereotypes, some of whom would just not leave me alone, was too much for me and honestly one of the main roots of my depression. I have taken an interest in a topic not taught at school and I have the resources to refine my skills and potentially make money, but I have absolutely no motivation.

Knowing that if I will die young, broke and alone if I don't act fills me with a constant feeling of urgency and restlessness, however I cannot bring myself to do anything productive, somehow feeling apathetic at the same time and literally letting the whole day pass, doing nothing wasting the whole day. Later at night I beat myself up over it and cannot get myself to sleep. This has led to irregular sleep cycles and extremely long waking hours. I am worried that this tug of war combined with sleep deprivation could make me go insane.

I have a reasonable number of "friends", but they feel more like allies, or even assets than companions. Even though I have genuine conversations, I dont feel anything except the fact im not feeling anything feels wrong. I also have terrible secrets from my dark days that I need to hide from them. These secrets are so dark they would give a murderer nightmares, and my perpetually suspicious parents, always digging through my old stuff, are on to something. I need a huge success in my life to divert their attention. In fact, if one of my "friends" happens to be on this forum they will know who I am through this post and I'll be done for.

If I don't start doing something, my inactivity will disappoint and potentially hurt a lot of people. I've built up this false image of myself and if I don't live up to it really soon it will come back to haunt me. It's like a credit card: I'm having fun while I'm at it, but the debt is going to hit me like a truck.

TL;DR I bothered to type up this whole thing yet I am so counterproductive I can't do anything that will help me in the long run.

[Green Yoshi]

The past is the past. What matters is how you move on, how you overcome your problems and how you defeat it is up to you. But what i know is that life is forgiving if you first forgive yourself. You are someone is just merely thinking that you don't deserve happiness, when you in fact do, so much. you are loved, you are cared for, and you are awesome. And you are doing so much to overcome what happened to you, and that deserves respect.

I don't care bout the bad things people say, and the mean things people do. You are who you are. You are better than who you think you are, and i think that its respectable that you're brilliant. I know that you're a sweet person deep inside, its just that your past has sorta made you forget that you're a good, nice person.

Now, forget the burden, and live and be happy. You deserve the good life, you deserve the happy, smiling life. Let your happiness return!