Depression over unpunished crimes

[Booker Dewitt]

Greetings. My name is Booker Dewitt. I'm thirteen years old and I want to turn myself in for crimes gone unpunished.


Once upon a time I was one mean bastard. Specifically, a delinquent. I enjoyed endlessly torturing my peers emotionally and physically while stealing whatever goods they had, and a whole lot of other things that could get you in very, very big trouble. Nothing sexual if that's what you're thinking.

Even worse, if I suspected someone was stupid enough to report my cruel acts then I would frame them. I was pretty much a sadist. I was also a Neo-Nazi. Yeah, heil Hitler and all that shit. Great, isn't it?

Now I feel absolutely horrible about the fact that I did all of this. No one besides my victims nobody else knows about them. My family thought of me as some sort of angel when in reality, it was a facade. I was a crook. So what did I do in order to seek redemption? I decided I would try to help people!


Whenever I tried to "help" someone it only caused that person harm. No matter how hard I tried to be a good person I always fucked up and became something of a bad luck charm. Highlights in my misguided attempt to help people includes unintentionally convincing a girl to kill herself. Fortunately she turned out okay but still.

None of this would of happened if I had just stopped. And yet on I marched. And for what? I wanted to feel like something I was not. A hero. I was so wrapped up in my hero delusion that I denied I was doing anything wrong. I was seeing only what I wanted to see – recognizing only the facts I desired to support my own version of reality – my own truth.

I say, it takes an incredibly stupid person to deny what's right in front of them. And if the truth is undeniable, you create your own. That right there is the quote of my life.

Nevertheless, it didn't matter to me. Until the day I came back to my senses I was living in my own fairy tale fantasy. Believe me, there's a lot of things I've done that I'm not proud of during that time period (understatement of the year.) When I talk to people about it they act as if I'm sort of monster. No matter how hard I try, I cannot do anything right. My only talent lies in causing pain. A jail cell is a suitable place for a monster like me. Is that right, or no? I mean, I can't live this lie forever.

[fallingstargirl]

Hey,

While it sounds like you did some bad things, it seems like you've really realized what you did wrong and are making an effort to be a better and kinder person. I think there's something to be said for your good intentions, even if sometimes it doesn't work out the way you want it to or expect it to. I think having good intentions matters. Maybe you just need some practice with talking to people. People also might not like you because of how they remember you being in past years, and they don't see that you changed.

I don't think there's a need to turn yourself in to the police. Since you're thirteen, they wouldn't put you in jail anyway. Also, since most of the things you did were when you were twelve and younger, it doesn't make you a criminal, it means you were a kid who made a lot of mistakes. Sure, they may have been worse than what most kids do, but still, you're barely a teenager. What you did in the past couple of years doesn't define you, and it doesn't mean you're going to keep doing those things as you get older.

You're probably going to high school in a year or two (judging by your age), and once you're at a new school people won't know who you were in middle school. This will probably help you make friends who won't judge you based on who you used to be. For now, you could try joining some new clubs or teams around your community. This would give you something to do and help you meet new people. Having a new group of people to hang out with is like having a little chance at a new start, and I think it could really help you.

I don't think there's a need for you to turn yourself over to the police, especially since you really are trying to be a better person. Good luck! Shoot me a message if you ever need anything or want to chat

~Estelle

[RadioSerenade]

Well, firstly it depends on what your crimes are, because sometimes even the police, in the confession of a crime, don't want to go back that far to gather evidence. It also depends on how long ago they happened. In some jurisdictions, they have this concept of the Statute of Limitations, meaning that summary offenses cannot be pursued after twelve months for example, because they have basically expired.

If you want to turn yourself in then obviously I can't comment on an opinion but under the absence of further information, I just recommend you consider the seriousness of the offense and the amount of time that has elapsed since the commission of the offence, I mean the police could not be pursuing you, and they might not pursue a case that old. People change and I recommend you look forward to the opportunities you have in front of you rather than focusing on your delinquency of years gone by. The people affected by your actions, they have probably moved on and so should you.

Regardless, as far as the helping people is concerned, these sorts of things take time. I mean you can only get better at helping people through experience in responding to them and also understanding how they are feeling, meaning talking to people going through certain issues. I remember when I started helping people, it went from not knowing what to say, then writing 2,000 words (no joking), thinking I knew what I was saying, before that gave way to actually writing solid, cohesive responses and to be honest, I am still learning.

If nothing else, it does mean that you're exploring ways to make a contribution to the community and that's great to see.

HOLY CRAP, I wrote this thinking that you're thirty LOL, not thirteen. The advice on law still stands, and so does everything else. GOOD HEAVENS though, you have awesome cohesion for a boy of thirteen!

[Booker Dewitt]

I happen to share a name with a certain video game character from "Bioshock Infinite." Now before I came here, I had often posted on other anti-depression forums in the hopes that I'll get an answer that would supposedly make me feel good. Yet I could never feel satisfied. If you look hard enough you'll find these threads, though I would prefer it if you did not. This vicious cycle went on for quite some time until one day, I posted a thread on a particular forum which I will not name. All was going good until one of the moderators called me out for having the same name as that video game character I mentioned earlier.

I get this sort of thing a lot. It's not my fucking fault I share a name with a video game character. Okay?

With that out of the way, they also called me out on the fact that I had posted the same story on other forums. This is what they had to say.

"Now stop wasting nice people's time and efforts. You have a problem alright!"

How dare him! He must feel so good picking on a thirteen year old person!

Maybe I deserve this after all I've done? Even worse is the fact that these men appeared to be professionals. They were acting wonderful towards the other users. But because of a mistake I lose once again.

[NatureFantasy]

Hi Booker. I think it might be a good idea for you to try to contact some of the people you have wronged in the past and apologize to them. Knowing that you have changed for the better and now regret what you did might make the victims feel better about what they went through. More importantly, it might give both them and you a sense of closure about the whole thing. It's important that you try and forgive yourself. Remember that people grow and change, and the person you are now is clearly different than the person you were then. Don't get too stuck in the past. If you don't like where you've been, try going in a new direction. Helping people was a brave try.

Speaking of which, don't feel bad about your troubles with helping people. Helping people can be very complicated. Sometimes people's personalities don't mix well. Sometimes people misunderstand each other. Sometimes something that sounds sarcastic in one's head may come out sounding literal on the screen. Sometimes people just want to be angry or upset and don't actually want help. There are many reasons help may not be successful. But it matters that you tried to do the right thing. You took valuable time out of your day, time that you will never get back, and used it to try and help people when I'm sure you could have used it doing things you liked better instead. That's something to be proud of.

You are going through many changes as a person. At thirteen your body and mind are still developing, and all kinds of hormones are running through your body. And the world around you is constantly changing as well. In a lot of ways new schools are basically new worlds. New teachers, new classmates, new standards, new rules. And getting older means new expectations. All of this can be very stressful.

Everything is changing all at once. Try to give yourself some time to absorb everything that's going on.

This may sound weird, but it's very important to get in touch with the things you like and the things you care about. Hobbies, friends, etc. At thirteen, you are still discovering who you are, and focusing on your interests will help you figure that out. Plus, exploring your activities and interests will give you a sense of your own strengths and weaknesses. It will help you get to know yourself better.

Once you have a strong sense of self, you will be able to stand through your own strength, without having to put down others to feel strong. Once you know who you are it will be easier to figure out where you want to go. Not knowing who you are or where you want to go, and feeling like you don't have a place where you belong, can be very scary. But once you know what your interests are, and your strengths and weaknesses, you'll be able to figure out where to go from there.

I agree with Fallingstargirl. You will be going to a new school soon, where you will be able to turn a new leaf. Like I said, think of it as a new world, a blank slate. Make an effort to meet new people. Join clubs that interest you. Form a community, and find places where you feel like you belong. Give yourself a new start.

Also, I'm really sorry to hear that the moderators were mean to you. It really hurts when you put your story out there and made yourself vulnerable, and yet the people who were supposed to help you hurt you instead. Many of the people on here seem to be very nice though, so hopefully this will still be a welcoming and supportive community for you.

If you want to talk about anything that's going on, or to just vent, always feel free to PM me.

[Booker Dewitt]

I decided I would turn this into an actual thread.

[RadioSerenade]

I am not sure what you mean by turning this into an actual thread LOL, it always was, but I am so sorry to hear about the incident with the member of the anti-Depression forum, but unfortunately it's the nature of looking for help in a public setting. Even in a private setting, I mean I have gone to counsellors who have failed to help, one of whom told me that counselling has become a way of life for me, whatever that means.

I recommend you see a doctor or a proper counsellor to get some help regarding forgiving yourself. Sometimes you need some additional expertise and some assist, perhaps even explanations as to why you feel the way you do. Almost all Australian public schools have counsellors hired for some days during the working week and if you can make an appointment with them, it'll probably do you a world of good. All you have to do is rock up and talk, and also implement some coping strategies that they give you, but I suppose that is more of a choice.

You need to forgive yourself, and that's something huge. Something that for some people, doesn't exactly come in their sleep. It's great that you feel bad about these things because remorse for crimes is a fundamental sign of humanity. However, even someone who has committed crimes deserves to live life without the constant consideration of mistakes of years gone by.

DISCLAIMER: I don't know and will not pretend to know what counselling services and their organisation is like in Philadelphia, you need to see someone who knows you personally, and can properly assess you, and I think that was the shortfall of the aforementioned online service you went to.