Triggering (Suicide): Depression Issues

[Morpheus]

I have recently posted here about my anxiety issues, but another aspect of my issues lately is my depression, which has been affecting me more than ever. I am not motivated to do anything but lay around. I don't even get up to eat much. I am not motivated to create music (I've always done so, I mainly play synthesizer but I have had absolutely NO interest in it and even less interest in composing anything...right now that seems like a major pain..and it never really has before). My plan in life is to be a musician. I would like to be a lawyer or do something with computer science too, but music is really where my heart lies and I constantly feel like I'll never ever get there if I refuse to involve myself now. I've played key instruments (piano, organ, keyboards, synth) since I was 6. I quit lessons when I was around 13 or so, but kept up self-teaching. I was tired of being classically trained and wanted to branch out to other genres. I never finished piano lessons like I wanted to. If I finished, I would be able to be certified to teach, and I wasn't that far off (about 4-5 years). I feel horrible about this. If I want to be a musician, why do I quit everything? How do I expect to get anywhere if I sit at home and refuse to finish lessons, practice, etc? I used to study Musical Theory too, but I quit that along with lessons. I honestly feel useless, as if I cannot even put my negative energy into music like I should be. I am wasting away here in a bedroom, feeling weak and sore from anxiety and unmotivated from depression and tired and unable to do anything. I don't see a point in living like this. I already have so much anxiety, and on top of it there is always so much more. I want to actually do something in life related to music, and I refuse to toss it aside in order to focus on law. I passed my last law course with a 97%, it was university preparation. Most people failed the class entirely. But to me, it's a mark, it's my mind. Sure, I am intelligent, I am well aware of this, but that doesn't fix the fact that I am unmotivated in everything else. I can learn and complete assignments but I am finding no motivation or ability to create. I have a very expensive professional synthesizer my parents paid a ton for, that's sitting in the corner doing nothing. I find my focus is so bad too. I also am not writing, and I always used to write poetry and stories, and I am finding I just have no focus or dedication anymore. I find myself interested in any of these things for 5 minutes before I just feel like going on my phone and laying down. I don't even know anymore. I don't do ANYTHING with myself or my life, I feel like I may as well die so I don't have to live with the regret of quitting everything and never completely anything.

[Raider]

Hey Morpheus, you have a really cool variety of interests. I would love to hear a poem. Imagine composing a short song for a poem or short story. Sorry, just typing what's in my head. You don't have to, I was just curious.

Losing interest is scary, especially because of the thoughts it can cause. If you haven't talked to anyone else about this, do it. Most likely someone can help revive your interests, especially someone who shares them.

And don't look at yourself quitting things, think about closing a door to open another. Sorry if this sounds simple, but I hope to hear a response from you.