Broke up with GF w/ depression, she can't get over it, and other stuff.

[sordie]

Hi,
About two weeks ago I broke up with my ex-girlfriend of eleven months. She was sweet and nice and caring but she didn't want to help herself and I made the hard decision to end it. She's a good person but she doesn't want to help herself emotionally or physically. I try to help her with it but it just gets exhausting. I also broke up with her because I felt since this relationship is my first it shouldnt be filled with such emotion and depression. Relationships should be fun and worry and stress-free. Lately she hasn't been able to get over it no matter how many times I keep saying she's a good person she doesn't see it, and how I just want to be friends, she doesnt want it. It's so exhausting. I want her in my life but I feel like she's overreacting about this. I know it has been eleven months but I saved a lot of heart break by ending it earlier on than later, because, I knew this relationship had to end. She is constantly texting me saying "The last eleven months mean nothing and have never meant anything" "You never loved me" "I'm going to burn everything you gave me". I just start to dread whenever she texts me. I really think theres a nice and great person deep down in there but I just don't know what to do.

I have been talking to a friend of mine and getting to know her a lot more, but there's a problem; my ex hates her. So much. I CANNOT let her figure out I'm just so much as chatting with her on facebook. I hung out with this person yesterday and I brought my ex up- I told her to be honest, and she said she hates her. I respected her own opinion, but at that moment, I decided I don't know what to do. I definetelly do NOT want to date this girl, because A) It would totally screw everything up with my ex and her, and B) i'm just not ready for a relationship again.

Please, I'm sorry for dragging this on, but I need advice. Every moment I'm thinking of this problem and its becoming more and more exhausting. Thanks for reading this far, I really appreciate it.

-Ben

[TheGuyinCanada]

You have losts of time, wait until the heat dies down then ask them

[Eternal]

Here's my two cents.
Relationships can't be just fun, worry-free and stress-free. Media makes love out to be like that, but its far from reality. Relationships take a lot of work, compromise, and resolution when you fight (and fighting is very normal, just like it would be in a platonic friendship). If you don't want stress, don't get into another relationship. It sounds like you may not be ready and it may be beneficial to just have you-time and do your own thing. Commitment = stress.
As for the girl your seeing, even if she hates your ex that doesn't mean you shouldn't be able to talk to her. Has she told you that you can't? If so, that' s a red flag and you should never have a partner who tells you things you can't do. You should talk to her about this and let her know you're trying to help your ex cope with the breakup, and leave it at that. You don't have to tell her every time you're talking to your ex, but you also shouldn't keep it a secret.
I also want to add that you should try and slowly cut off contact with your ex. If she texts anything mean to you, just don't respond. She's going to be angry for awhile because she's hurt and feels you abandoned her, but it will get better with time and not talking to you will actually help. But its okay for you to still be there if she gets depressed or has no one else to talk to. You can be there as a friend, but you have to be cautious that you're also giving her space so she can move on.

[ElsatheDepressionSlayer]

It sounds to me like your ex isn't willing to take no for an answer. You may be officially broken up, but your ex is still using you to fill the "boyfriend" role in her life. That is unhealthy for both of you. You need to cut off contact with her for now. She needs time to get over you and heal from her heartbreak, and she can't do that with you there. You two might be able to be friends once time has passed and she is in a healthier place, but right now, a functional friendship isn't possible. If you guys continue to be friends now and she continues to send you mean and guilt-tripping texts, animosity will build up, and there may be too much emotional baggage to form a friendship later down the road. If you cut off contact with her now, parting on as good of terms as possible, it will be easier to reconcile and become friends later.

You broke up with her because the relationship was emotionally exhausting for you (which is a completely valid reason, by the way). But she's still managing to hurt you in the same way, even though you two are broken up. Tell her that you need to take a break from talking to her so you can both reconcile your feelings. Once you have set that boundary, stick to it and don't answer her texts. This doesn't mean that you'll never talk to her again, but for now, you need some time apart.

Originally Posted by Pug Princess

Relationships can't be just fun, worry-free and stress-free. Media makes love out to be like that, but its far from reality. Relationships take a lot of work, compromise, and resolution when you fight (and fighting is very normal, just like it would be in a platonic friendship).

This is very true. Relationships will cause stress, but they should be worth it. A healthy relationship should have about 5 positive interactions for every negative one. Yes, relationships can be emotionally exhausting at times, but they should also be lighthearted and fun. It sounds to me like your relationship with your ex was mostly gloomy and stressful (I know the feeling; I've had a close friendship with a girl who refused to help herself), and I respect you for knowing when you had to get out.

[FeatherNote]

I've been on the receiving end of a breakup when one of us has depression, so I understand this.

You have told her that you want her to get better and that she needs to do that without depending on someone else, right? That you broke up with her because it became overwhelming for you as well? Explain to her that you care about her, and that's why she needs to get help elsewhere. She obviously is incapable of doing this on her own, as many people with depression are. A doctor or therapist are good ways to start.