Depression, hatred, anger... self hate

[AB1992]

Greetings, I am Anthony.

I don't know where to begin. I feel very scared and nervous. I am very unsocial and completely isolated, for many years now. I have no real friends, spouse, or any family other than mom. I quit high school as soon as I became 18, because I had no concern for it, and was failing bad(because it felt meaningless). I was only bullied to a low level. It was never a huge problem. After school that was it, begins the down slide.

To make it short now I stay in home every day, all day and never go anywhere to participate in anything, even if I had something to do it would not matter. I have no interests anymore. Everything is dry, stale and dead.
I have no money or transportation, and no job or any signs of even beginning a career at anything. It gets more scary because I am living with mom against her apartment's rules. At anytime I could be kicked off the property, or have mom evicted.(Government housing is B.S.)
All I have to keep me sane is music and computer games.

I only ever go outside to get food and household supplies. I never ever do anything else. If I step out at anytime, I feel as if something bad is going to happen, and that everyone is plotting to do evil. I cannot talk to people or make eye contact. I am very racist at different groups, which I am living close to lots of... I hate them with a passion from life experiences. So dealing with anyone in general is very hard. The street is full of bums that I wish I could rip apart.

To make it worse mom constantly threatens to kick me out for doing nothing. She doesn't know that I can't just snap out of this empty state and become stable. My mom has very bad health and her own problems, she is not the type of person I can go to for help, but remains the only supply for a home and food.

If I become homeless I know I cannot tolerate it, Been there already.
I feel like I strongly want to end life but am a coward. I have no pain tolerance and know I cannot bring a weapon to myself. Still I always fear there is going to be 1 moment that shoves me off the edge.

Besides all of that I have poor health. Years of isolation lead to me neglecting everything. My physical appearance, health is very bad. I have almost no energy to do even slight things such as showering.
I wish I could just snap out and make something of this nothing, but I know it's far from possible. I am poor and cannot afford treatment, and if I could I know I do not have the courage to seek it.

I don't expect this topic to be a life changer. I simply need a place to vent.
I feel less awkward telling strangers than frie... oh I have none.

Hi, Anthony!

I'm sorry you're struggling with all these things. I understand how these factors would cause you to be depressed. Sounds like everything's really hard for you, especially the way your mom is, possibly becoming homeless, and not having anyone else. You must be a really strong person to have been through all this, and yet, you're still here. I realize you simply came to vent, and I believe it's healthy you don't expect the topic to change your life because I don't have that power, none of us do. However, I am posting in hopes that I can help to some extent and help you realize you have more power than you realize.

I realize that with depression comes lack of energy and motivation. But you can do more for yourself than you know. You have more control over yourself than you believe. Being in a negative mindset can be really hard to come out of and you can't just "snap out of it" like you said, but it's possible to improve with little steps and patience. Try making one positive step everyday. Do something positive for yourself you normally wouldn't have, such as showering even if you don't feel like it. When you're depressed, staying in bed and not doing anything seems really comforting, but it can actually make it worse. You don't have to be extremely productive all in one day, I know that's really difficult to do, but just try to do small things to break out of your negative habits, you know?

You said you quit high-school; so, you dropped out? Do you think you could study and take a G.E.D test? I think that'd be fairly helpful in looking for a job. I know it isn't simple and easy to just go out and get a G.E.D, or get a job, but hopefully trying to do so will be like a first step. I believe that if you had something planned for finding a job, you'd feel more secure and hopeful. Because understandably, it sounds like the way things are now are extremely stressful for you seeing how your current living arrangement isn't exactly stable.

Having no friends can be extremely lonely. Although, something I figured I'd mention is that online friends can turn out to be great friendships as well. And if it's a good friendship, you could also meet up with the person once you know them well enough. Lots of people online can turn out to be really cool friends.

The fact you've found comfort and some sort of an escape in music and games in good though. Hobbies can be really good to have. Have you tried anything else aside from those things? Thinking that maybe if you tried out different and new things, it'll help spark your interests again. So everything won't feel so stale and dead. Being adventurous is how we find the best things. Along with hobbies, emotional outlets may help you a lot as well. Since you say you enjoy music, do you play any instruments? You can also have emotional outlets in other creative activities too, like painting, drawing, writing poetry/short stories. Do you have a journal? Sometimes simply writing down your thoughts/feelings can be relieving. You could also start a blog on here!

It makes me feel sad that you feel like ending your life. I know you must feel like life is impossible, that nothing will ever change. But I just want you to know that things can change, and you play more of a role in changing for the positive than you know. Just think about if how things can change so much in a bad way, they also have to be able to change in a good way. Lots of things don't stay the same, and if everything stayed the same, we wouldn't have butterflies. I believe you can make something great out of what you're going through now. You're gonna become a stronger, more experienced person I believe. Life is difficult, but it's never impossible so don't ever let yourself believe that it's impossible.

You can get through this, so hang in there, okay? I truly believe that somewhere along the line, you'll see that life is worth living. You've got your whole future ahead of you and some great things you have yet to experience. You're free to message me anytime if you'd like someone to talk to, even if it's just to vent. Venting can be fairly helpful and I definitely don't mind listening. I really hope none of this post came off as rude or anything. I'm just trying my best to offer advice to help you out, I haven't been through what you have, but I know it can't be easy. Just want you to know I'm not disregarding your feelings or anything, and I hope it didn't seem that way. Really hoping that this post helped you in some way.

[Kingsley]

Depression is a severe condition of the mind in which the brain doesn't work properly.
You must keep your mind relaxed to control your depression. Keep yourself busy in some fun activities and sports. Some exercises specially yoga and meditation are the best techniques to control the depression.