Triggering: Confused, ended Bad Relationship, Self Harm, Depression, Anxiety, Scared of Sex, Help?

[Vicky001]

Hi. I'm new to this, so please bear with me. I've got a lot of things to get off my chest that I'm just pretty confused about. Any insight would be appreciated.

I just broke up with my first real boyfriend a few weeks ago. We'd been together about ten months, and it was definitely a bad relationship. He's very manipulative, made me feel bad or guilty or sorry for him (he's got a rough past: molested as a kid, drugs, prison, some obvious emotional issues, etc.). He once drove 7 hours unannounced to my school the week before my finals to prove he was a "good boyfriend and I shouldn't have been mad at him the other day." Except he showed me some cuts on his shoulder later that night and said it was my fault that he'd started cutting. It took me three tries to break up with him because he always talked me out of it or just intimidated me. Once he refused to leave my house and spent the night so I couldn't dump him. I finally did it at his work with some of my friends nearby. He then blew up my phone over the next week or so, ambushed me at night to talk and try to get me to take him back, and hinted that he was thinking of suicide. I eventually had to block his number and threaten to get him fired for him to leave me alone. We still work together though.

He never hit me or anything, but he did push me to do sexual things I didn't want to. The first time we had sex hurt like a bitch, but of course I lied about that. I did like it sometimes, but a lot of the time I would just shut down. He was good about noticing and stopping in the beginning but later on he stopped noticing or ignored it or maybe used it to his advantage. Over spring break he stopped listening to anything I said, and I felt like I was just waiting for something sexual to happen, and it always would eventually when we were alone. I felt like little more than his toy at that point. (He's 23, by the way, and I'm 19.) A lot of the time I have flashbacks or feel like a whore, but at the same time I felt like something was wrong with me because my friends could enjoy sex so why couldn't I? I miss him sometimes and sometimes catch myself wanting him to hurt me because I feel like I deserve it or like it would prove he loves me. (I don't want to go back to him though and have friends who would never let me anyway.) I also get anxious around men sometimes or just in general like I'm waiting for something bad to happen but don't know what. I don't like talking about sex or about boys with my friends. I even started to suspect I might not be straight a couple times. (Although I've since come to the conclusion that I am.)

But then again, nothing really happened. He never assaulted me or hit me or anything. Once he got me really drunk and we had sex in my parents' house (which he knew I hated), but that was ok because I'd consented right? He got drunk once at his place and refused to let me leave when I said he wasn't getting lucky that night. He never tried anything, but he used physical force to keep me in his arms for about two hours. I even tried to leave but he wouldn't let me, and I ended up falling and hurting my shoulder (which I lied to my family about). This past semester I got really depressed. I hated myself. I still am really insecure about some things. I started cutting (although I've stopped), and sleeping a lot, and failing my classes. I thought it was just because I had stuff in my past to get over. (Divorced/re-married parents and weird relationships with my mom and family in general. My ex-step-brother pushed some boundaries once and tried to kiss me and I just froze and shut down and he was kind of a bully in general sometimes and then he got disowned from the family and vanished a few years ago for other reasons. I saw someone jump on the Metro tracks once. I feel distant and awkward sometimes even around friends and feel like I could just walk away and they wouldn't notice or like they're going to leave me. My mom yells at me a lot, and it actually got to the point the other day where I just wanted to give up -- that was scary, but I would never do anything like that and snapped out after a few minutes.) My ex liked to play shrink with me, but I'm wondering if the depression was really because of him and not just influenced by him. I talked to my mom about going to a therapist when I was failing my classes, but I'm too ashamed to actually go now and sometimes I feel like I'm fine or should be fine.

I guess I just don't know what to do. I just don't care about so many things I really should care about. I blame myself for a lot of what's happened, and I get mad at myself for complaining and not just sucking it up and being strong. I have some amazing friends who have gotten me through a lot. I guess I'm just trying to make sense of everything and maybe learn to put labels to my experiences and talk to some people who have experienced similar things.

Thanks for listening,

Victoria

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