Triggering: I don't know..I guess depression is getting to me.

[Beautiful_Mess]

I've just made a horrible decision, and I feel and believe it's the right one..But then why am I hurting from it?? So you guys know..the decision I've had to make, is to break up with my fiance. He cheated on me, and started get abusive soo I think it's best to leave him.I mean I didn't completely love him..but it's just I'm taking this harder than I thought I would. I know it's for the best..becuz I know I deserve better and all..but why can't I feel that..well technically I do feel that it's for the best..but I just can't smile properly as in meaning it...and all I won't to do is curl up in a ball and die...I sorta miss him.. and sometimes I feel as if I can't live without him..which I know I can. Why? WHY?! Do I feel like if I do this I'm just not going to be okay.
I'm tired..I'm tired of hiding how I feel to everyone...I have to lie..and pretend I'm okay..when I'm not..when I feel like just dying.. Yeah lately I've just wanted to die. But I know of I do I'll hurt sooooo many people..I feel like if I reach out to certain people..that either they'll ignore me..or they'll just try and help and then can't..I want to feel like the old Beth again.. I want to smile and have my random bursting out into laughter episodes again. I haven't done that in 6 months...I want to scream and cry...and just hit something..but I can't cry, becuz my eyes have ran dry..and I can't scream becuz when I want to I can't find my voice. and I can't hit anything becuz I don't emotionally and physically have the fucking strength. I'm mad. I'm hurt...and I'm depressed. I just want to..to..to I don't know! Anymore...I don't feel loved sometimes..becuz I think well if he loved me, why'd he cheat on me..why'd he lie and hurt me soo badly? WHY?! Would he be cheated after he proposed? Does no one love me enough to NOT hurt me..to actually not break a fucking promise?
I thought, like I said I THOUGHT...I thought he loved me..I thought i was his "Girl" I thought I was the ONLY one. But I guess not. I guess..I will never be in a relationship that I'm happy in, that I can actually say.."He loves me, he wouldn't do stupid shit as in cheat on me" That's all I'm asking for I JUST WANT TO BE AND FEEL LOVED BY SOMEONE..I WANT TO LOVE AGAIN..AND BE ABLE TO TRUST A MAN AGAIN. But it doesn't look like I'm get that. Why do I always find jerks, assholes, back stabbers?
When People ask me..."Are you okay, Hun?" I say" Yes I'm good" But what I really want to say is " No I'm not okay..I'm falling apart. I'm dying inside..I want someone to hold me..tell me I'm okay, tell me it's going to be okay...HELP ME...make me realize..that I'm worth living with..hold me as I break down pleasse!? I need you!? I know you don't understand how to help..but at least tryyy??,,,please?,,," That's what I really want to say..but I know that...it's better if I don't...I just..I don't know anymore..I just feel like fucking trouble to everyone...I'm just sooo fucking tired.

[Rivière]

Beth!

Splitting with someone is never easy, especially if you know they were in the wrong. My past relationship wasn't as harsh as yours, it wasn't abusive as such but he did hurt me a lot, he never listened to me, he never paid any attention to me and he was so damned self-absorbed that he couldn't see how depressed I was getting and it was like he didn't care. After I told him I wanted to split with him, for a few days I felt really crappy and to the point where I just wanted to curl in a ball and hope it all goes away. Even though I knew he was the one at fault for our deteriorating relationship, I still felt like the pit of the earth and maybe the decision I made was wrong, that maybe I'll regret it but let me tell you, these feelings do not last for ever. They do go away! The more you spend time away from your past boyfriend the more happier you will feel and the stronger you will become.

Justify to yourself all those reasons for leaving. Don't think about how much you will miss him, think about all the things you won't miss. Think about all the things you won't ever have to put up with again. Remind yourself of all those reasons you chose to split with him and remind yourself that you are better off without him, because you are!

I know the feeling when you want to come talk to someone but then you think to yourself, "I'm probably going to annoy them" or, "They're probably super busy with something else" or, "What if they don't understand" or, "They probably won't be able to help me". All those thoughts have gone through my mind and it stopped me from asking people for help, instead I'd just tell people that I felt great and wonderful, that nothing was wrong and pretend to be happy, but, pretending just makes things worse. If you need to be sad, be sad, do't pretend, and don't fear asking someone for help. Maybe the person you're asking doesn't have all the answers, no one can know everything, but what they can do is that they can listen to you and listening can be very helpful, it can help us to feel like we're not alone. The chances are that on places such as here on TeenHelp, people will listen to you and they will understand because that's what it's here for. If you ever need to talk to someone, even if you feel all those worries and questions coming back to you, do it anyway, message them and ask them for help, or even just start off saying hi and how are you. Chances are you'll always get a message back, and a great, positive one at that.

Losing someone, even if they were horrible to us, it can hurt but it doesn't last forever. Worrying whether or not we'll find someone who will love us, and trusting them can be very hard going, but remember that you have your whole life ahead of you and you will meet someone who will love you for who you are and treat you just the way you have wanted. Remind yourself of all the good things in your future, an abusive past boyfriend is not worth giving it up for, Beth.

Remember, if you ever need anything you're always welcome to message me!

[Beautiful_Mess]

Thank you Sarah