TeenHelp - Depression and anxiety, hooray

I went to the doctor and the doctor says I have anxiety and most likely have depression. Yay... I've been feeling really low for the last couple of months but two months ago, everything changed. I had a panic attack and sudden thoughts came to my head like 'what if i don't love my boyfriend?' Before this, I was sure I was in love with him, from what I've experienced with love. He's amazing to me but I can't seem to feel the same. The doctor said that the depression can cause me to lose my feelings as I've lost a lot of feelings towards him and I isolate away from my friends. I feel really lonely too. He's always there for me and last night was a breaking point again. I got really upset when my boyfriend said he felt tired and worn out and I knew it was my fault. At 11, his internet went and we couldn't talk but I got so upset and started getting suicidal thoughts, I rang him crying and apologising. I don't want to break up with him, I want my feelings and love for him to come back. It's okay when were together but he has exams coming up so it's gonna be hard to see each other. Were going out a year in three weeks :D that makes me happy-ish. It's very hard for me to be happy and I've lost a lost of motivation too. Things tat i used to love doing, don't really appeal to me anymore and I've lost appetite too. I used to be obsessed with pizza and now it's like 'effort'. I say this a lot. I break down in school cause I'm really upset and confused about my feelings for my boyfriend. He hasn't done anything to upset me and all of this just came suddenly. We've been through a lot and he's always been there for me. I don't want things to end and neither does he but it's getting hard. I'm supposed to go see a psychotherapist soon so I hope that'll help. I never wanted any of this to happen and if I could, I'd go back in time just so I could be happy and at peace. Even before we started going out, I was feeling low. Then it got to the point that after we started going out, my boyfriends ex started threatening us and my friends all thought I was a bitch and they didn't wanna be around me. After a couple of months, I got more upset and told one of my friends by accident that his ex told us to go for it and she tried setting us up. That changed a lot of things.

My friends went crazy at me for not telling them and they felt so bad and understood more and they were there for me. They always were but more so after this. A lot of things have happened between my boyfriend and I. Rumours started going around that he was cheating on me with my best friend and they were flirting but I didn't believe them. My best friend, in all fairness was flirty with him but she didn't mean any harm as she used to like him at one point too. It's hard cause I go to a different school from all my friends and my boyfriend. A lot happened in 2013 for me. Some good, some bad. I'm an emotional person so if anything upsets me, it'll upset me a lot. When one of my childhood friends moved away, I was so upset. I self harmed twice but stopped myself cause I didn't think it was fair on other people and I knew that things would get better. But now I've really given up hope. I keep getting a suicidal and negative thoughts and I don't want then there. My relationship is on a very thin line and at this point I'm desperate to get things better and make everything okay with my boyfriend, my friends and family.