religion as cause of depression?

[acrylicgingerbread]

okay well first things first i guess

i was raised catholic my whole life. my parents are pretty devout, we go to church every sunday, stuff like that. about a year ago, during the beginning of my sophomore year of highschool, i started to lose interest in the religion. i thought a lot of its views were flawed and kind of idiotic (such as those on homosexuality and most of their views on contraception, though i am still fairly pro-life). most of my friends are atheists or at least agnostic, and we all have pretty liberal views on most things.

around last summer, i started thinking more and more about religion, and wondering if it is true after all. i mean, i dont like almost anything about it (im bisexual, an adamant feminist, and, as childish as this may sound i just really hate church). i see nothing morally wrong with premarital sex or "promiscuity" (as long as both parties are using protection, and both consent to any sexual activity), and though i think of the pill and abortion as sort of iffy i dont think there is anything wrong with using condoms as there is no embryo being formed and therefore being destroyed. i suppose i am just confused about the legitimacy of the church's view of sex being primarily for procreation. i get that the reason "god" made it pleasurable is so that it was enjoyable while still being useful, but it still doesn't feel right to me somehow? anyway, lately ive been feeling myself getting sucked back into religion no matter how much i dislike it. i cant help feeling like its something i have to suck up and deal with if i want any chance of getting into "heaven".

as i mentioned before i am bisexual (though i do have a boyfriend and have never had any type of relationship with another girl). im fairly sexually active, depending on how loosely you want to define the term. i dislike going to church as i think it is pointless and can interfere with too many aspects of people's lives. im basically everything the church teaches is wrong. however i do not consider myself to be a bad person. im involved in charity work (i volunteer at my local childrens home and ive helped with toys for tots), i plan on becoming a therapist one day and i try to do what i can to help people. im very interested in social justice issues, and human rights.

but according to the beliefs that have been drilled into my head all my life, i am still going to hell. and for some reason, this bothers me. i think a lot about death, and im so afraid of me or my best friends going to "hell" that its hard to function in everyday life. i find things offensive that i really have no reason to other than they go against church teaching. i feel like i am going to have to live the rest of my life miserable on the off-chance of going to this "heaven," and even if i do my friends arent going to change and will end up in "hell". i hate the idea of people i love so much suffering for an eternity, and even though i know thats not a definite outcome its still my biggest fear.

im constantly thinking i have these two options-live how i want, doing what i think is right regardless of what im told and risk going to "hell", or live a miserable life so i can have the chance of getting into "heaven.

ive always been pretty depressed, but because of this ive become a lot worse since this became an issue. ive been having emotional breakdowns and i live in a constant state of anxiety. im not sure if i actually believe this religion or if im just accepted it as truth because ive grown up wthi it. i have frequent panic attacks and i am almost always upset. ive lost interest in things i used to always love.

thats it i suppose. im not sure if im posting this inthe right section, but if you have any advice id really really appreciate it...

[Corrupted]

I can't say much other than do what you feel is right. Choosing how to live your life should be your choice; it shouldn't be that of your parents, your friends, your church, or anyone/anything else.

[Captain1628]

I think that you should live your life the way you want to. As long as you're a good person, religion or whether you believe in God doesn't matter. Life is too short to worry about these things and I know that it's hard not to because like you said, you were raised in that environment. But why live your life miserably to try and get into something that is uncertain (heaven)? But what is certain is the moment that you live in right now. No matter what we believe or think there will always be someone in the world that will tell us that it is wrong. Such as homosexuality. But these decisions you have to make yourself. If it feels wrong to you and brings you down, then don't do it. As you go through life, you will learn new things and understand things better. Your views now may change and of course they might not. But it's okay to think differently, it doesn't mean that you're wrong. I know that it sounds cheesy and cliched, but life is too short. You have to live life for the happiness of yourself and the ones you love, all the while being a kind and good-hearted person. Which I'm sure you are.

[acrylicgingerbread]

ahhh thank you both so much...it actually does help to hear that. i guess i just need not to worry so much, i mean im only 16 ive got of life left to live before i need to worry about death...besides who knows maybe everyone has it completely wrong??