Depression from loneliness?

[Deleted115]

Hey Guys, Sorry if this is in the wrong forum section, and sorry
for the long Post too, its late and im tired )

Well it mostly began ever since i was home educated at the young age of 6 i've been socially isolated and literally 'Trapped' in my House, i had no social outlets
or group activities, i literally never went outside the Front part of my house,
only the garden. My family where just as socially isolated as i was; since
we just moved areas around the same time as my home education, my family
found no ways to connect or to socialise with anyone new. Not even our neighbours.

But anyway, it was like that until i was about 12, when i joined a social activity
and i made some Friends, that was my first contact with anyone outside my family for about 6 years, so it was difficult for me, the group of friends i made there lived near my house

and from then we became Good friends so they (3) people, were
my only 'friends'

Ever since then, my 3 friends introduced me to their friends, so

thankfully i had a group of friends, which was nice for once. This was around
the age of 12-14

But often when i hanged out with my New bunch of friends (mixture of
boys/girls)

They disliked me, for being 'quiet' 'shy' 'nervous' and just a boring and a weird person.

This was most likely because i was socially isolated for such an extreme time,

It was also my social anxiety causing me to act this way,
i often avoided hanging out in big groups of people because i just felt awkward.

at the age of 14, (close to 15)

My bestest friend in my small group of friends (who i trusted alot)

We always talked alot and we got into conversations, etc, we eventually
talked about our pasts,

i told him all about my isolation and my loneliness and depression, etc,

And i (regretfully) admitted to him i get Even more shy and nervous, when i hang out with girls and not boys
because i never had a girlfriend and it made me feel uncomfortable and awkward, shy, etc around them.

He found it funny and told all his friends this and then they started to mock me alot, like they'd say stuff,

then they'd start to bully me. then they'd do stuff to annoy me, taunt me because they have a partner and i do not, all that stuff. that always made my heart ache alot.

So then at 15, they stopped hanging out with me, i was happy but i was sad because now i had no one.
and i yet again, was alone, and became trapped, Again, but this time if i go outside, my 'old' friends (more like new bullies) still verbally abuse me.




And now i'm 15 (almost 16) and i'm back to being trapped in my house.
I can not find any social outlets, group activities, i do not go school,
my family keep saying that 'Friends will come along' and we have arguments
but most of my family still don't really notice or Care. WE have LOTS of heated arguments

so being trapped with them for years on end without anyone/anything else

is just..torture, and considering i moved areas..so i was surrounded by people

and areas that i didn't know. or at any point familiar with.



I'm starting to feel sad, miserable, lonely and overall depressed,
I try to make new friends; but most of the teenagers where i live
talk about - School - Fashion - Music

I don't go school.

I don't have many good clothes, and not generally interested in fashion

And i'm not bothered about Music.

So generally i feel like a BIG outcast since my knowledge is not based in these
categories, i know there are MANY teens who are like me, but i just can't find any teens
that resemble me in anyway, so i feel alone in my area.


Also, i've been feeling this way for a While now, since i was 13, around that time
i had a pet dog who i absolutely LOVED my family got him when i was a baby
He was a puppy, so we grew up together, the reason i never felt depressed or lonely

was because my dog was my best friend, and made me feel like i had someone.

He recently died, it tore me apart, and still is.

i didnt start brawling in tears when i found out,

the shock kind of came first then later the sadness, depression, my dog was the only reason i didnt feel alone in my prison of a house, so this depressed loneliness feeling came on, when i was 13. After he died.

i just need a way to find a social outlet or a bunch of friends, soon i'll finish

my home school, and i'll have more spare time on my hands because i wont be
educating myself, i might be able to find a way then.

My family are all socially awkward and isolated themselves since, we know NO one
in our area, and they socialise as much as i do. Maybe thats why they wont
let me socialise? I don't know.

But i just feel so trapped and imprisoned here, and i'm worried i feel like i'm going Mentally insane!


and how could i possibly end this loneliness? its tearing me apart inside, its constantly on my mind, constantly worrying
im feeling sad and not my usual self, and i'm scared this feeling isn't ever going to go away.

i just want somebody to talk to me,

make me feel cared about, loved for, and i just need literally Anyone.

I just don't feel the sense of 'company' when my family are around me, i used too, but its
just been so long hanging around them. I don't want to be this social outcast. I know
i'm the loneliest person and the most socially isolated person in my entire area.


Soooo....

1.I'm socially awkward

2.Socially isolated

3.Completely different from teens in my area.

4.Depressed & sad.

Great start towards life!

I really really really want someone to be close to me! Someone who i can connect
& enjoy the company with, someone i can trust and help, i've always wanted to have a girlfriend too, i know i'm young and still have years to find the right girl but i still want someone to cuddle.

i just am so tired of being 'just me' it makes me thing life is just a prison.

And when people say 'look towards the future' it just seems like an extended prison
sentence, i know the future will be different, i'm just scared that i wont make it that far
in life, before this depression feeling swallows me up, completely.

Any advice or help or someone to comfort me i'd appreciate SO much.

(Sorry if its to confusing, and sorry for the way its all written out, i've done this on my phone, my hand is killing me )

[Satine]

It's been difficult for you, I can hear that in the way you've written all of this. I'm sorry it has been, and continues to be, tough for you.

From your post, I think you have some lovely qualities, but I'm also hearing that the way things are right now is not working for you. So I'm going to make a few suggestions, but be aware that you are thoughtful, optimistic and rational, so don't throw the baby out with the bathwater.

You mentioned feeling shy, and I'm guessing you feel unwilling to approach others because of this. I think shyness is something to actively work on reducing and the way I suggest is to go ahead and talk to others. Perhaps someone at a shop when you buy groceries, perhaps a neighbour, anyone you see at least semi-regularly.

I'm guessing that sounds easier to say than to do, but keep the following in mind:

- People like to be acknowledged. Humans are social creatures and hate total isolation. We all have our own levels of hunger for recognition by other people but pretty much everybody's got some.
- Ultimately it doesn't matter whether that interaction is pleasant or unpleasant. The important thing for everyone is that other humans acknowledge their presence. I don't see you being unpleasant to anybody but this little fact is worth keeping in mind. Think of the couples you hear about sometimes who have blazing arguments but never split up. They're choosing unpleasant contact over isolation.
- There are three levels of pleasantness when contacting other people. You can be genuinely pleasant, you can be genuinely unpleasant or you can be fake-pleasant ("Hey, I like your coat! Did you get it from a thrift store?"). Again, I'm struggling to imagine you being fake-nice or genuinely nasty to others, but the world of socialisation you wantto enter can be broken down in this way. And some people really prefer to be unkind to others or to give fake pleasant comments.
- When two people first meet, they soon fall into a pattern of interaction. Say, if I was your neighbour and we'd fallen into a pattern of only saying hi to each other with a smile from each of us, then it's going to feel like quite a jolt to me if one day you start chatting to me about more in-depth stuff. It isn't easy to predict how your conversational partner (me in this hypothetical case) will respond to this, but expect anything from pleasure at the 'better' interaction to suspicion at what you're doing it for, to blind acceptance at what you are doing differently with our relationship.
- To expand on the above point, you might find it useful to know a good system of classification of interaction. The safest level, but the one with the least social reward, is withdrawal. You've got a lot of experience with this and you've said you feel it's unrewarding, but you may also find it feels safe. Nobody can hurt you when you're by yourself and no interacting with anybody. Then comes ritual. This is a very short, scripted kind of interaction like, "Hi!" "Hi, how are you?" "I'm fine thanks. And you?" "Yes, I'm okay." You and I both know how to say these little scripted parts, we say them without thinking a lot of the time, and they're only very slightly rewarding. But we all know how they go.
Then there is pasttiming. This is still quite meaningless in terms of how it contributes to the relationships between people but it does have it's uses. Pasttiming is the act of talking about everything and nothing: the weather, music, TV, school/college/work, fashion, you name it. It's the mode you mentioned not feeling very able to use very well. Pasttiming is useful because it does exactly what it says it does: it passes the time, and that is its appeal to so many people. It's also a good way of being recognised and acknowledged by another person for a longer period of time. Notice that pasttiming can be done in a spirit of listening to the other person talking a lot, or talking AT the other person and then convincing yourself you've interacted. You may notice some people are better listeners than others, and it is likely you will notice this most when people are pasttiming.
Next comes activities. If you and I had some school project to work on together then we could talk it over together to work out how we were going to approach it. We could do this and entirely avoid talking about our relationship. It's about as satisfying as pasttiming.
Next comes games. These are ulterior ways of getting what we need from our relationships with others. Say for instance I want you to reassure me that you will always be kind to me. My gamey way of achieving that might be to be clumsy and drop a plate. That gives you the chance to forgive me, so I feel you are kind. Games have to involve at least two people and each person gets somethin socially valuable out of the exchange. So you, in that situation where I dropped the plate, might be to confirm your own belief that you are nice (which is a very self-affirming belief). But beware of games, because there is always a negative payoff for them. I won't go into those unless you ask me to.
Finally there is intimacy. This is the most rewarding of human interactions but is also the highest-risk, because we risk being rejected or laughed at, as you were by your group of ex-friends. Many people only dare to be in intimacy with others for short periods at a time because of the intensity of it and the risk. For many people, they desire intimacy but play games instead, since games (as I said) are only ulterior ways of meeting our needs. Intimacy is the straightforward way of meeting those needs.
- I don't know for sure, but I'm going to hazard a guess from what you said in your post that you want intimacy and try for it in your relationships quite readily. But perhaps you don't like pasttiming much. If it's any comfort to you, neither do I. Pasttiming is, in fact, small talk, and it often feels inconsequential, especially when what you and I are really wanting is the powerful hit of intimacy. But remember that pasttiming has it's value and it's where a lo of people spend a lot of their time when in relationship with others.

I've written a lot here and I know I can be a bit technical sometimes. Please feel free to message me if anything I've said doesn't make sense or if you want more information.

I wouldn't expect you to learn, and use perfectly, everything I've written above. It can take a while to internalize and to do easily/semi-easily. Because of that, I hope it'll keep you busy for a while as you build you social life.

Remember that everyone has their own preferences for how to interact, and that includes you. Reflect on the above. Practise it, ask me more stuff. Give yourself time and space, forgive yourself and others when you feel it's safe and reasonable to do so. And reflect on what you learn; reflecting can be an amazing way of learning how to be more confident in socialising. Journal or blog about it if you choose to. Personally, I recommend it heartily.

Phew! Well, that's all I've got for now. I really hope the above helps, and again, message menif you want to talk about it more.

[Deleted115]

Thank you SO VERY Much!, your post is so insightful! I do see everything you mean upon how generally individual humans can have a different basis for human interaction to eachother, yet at the same time we can all have things incommon with our interactions.

You've made good points on how some people may choose unpleasant contact rather isolation, and how the points of kindness.

I am going to learn more about this and see if there's a very simpler way to concentrate my interaction. and also try to target the 'type' of interaction that i'm craving for.

but i think a good start to this would be to actually help my 'Shyness' and i shall start concentrating on that.

Thank you So much for your EXTREMELY Well-Made, Clear, Good, Post!

[Satine]

No problem