Triggering (Suicide): Happiness triggers depression

[Agony]

Hi there guys, I need some advice/support, this is really bothering me.

Ok, so anytime I get really happy, I get really depressed. More depressed than I am when I'm not happy.

I think it's because when I am happy, I still feel my depression behind it. No matter how happy I get, I still feel the pull of sadness behind it. This makes me feel abnormal, crazy and alone. There is no reason for me to be depressed when I'm happy, but yet there it is. When I'm not happy it's almost ok to be depressed because I don't have a reason to be happy. It's almost like because I am not happy, it's fine for me to be sad about not being happy. Even if I feel neutral, I still find it ok to feel depressed.

I realized that after experiencing happiness, I get suicidal thoughts more frequently. I also feel completely hopeless, like no matter how hard I try, I will NEVER be happy. This makes me just want to end my life and let the suffering stop. I feel like this now.

I had a fantastic day today, was at the mall for 7hrs with one of my best friends, we laughed, shopped and watched Wolverine. We had a great time. I'm going to a different mall tomorrow with that same friend and her twin sister, but I can't get excited about it because I'm depressed now.

I don't know what to do. I'm tired of being sad. I feel like I'm going to kill myself eventually, so why not do it now? But I also don't want to die. This is all confusing.

I feel like I'm all alone. I think I'm done with therapy and even if I'm not, I'll only be going once a month. I can't tell my counselor how I feel because then my parents will have to know and I just CAN'T tell them. I feel like I need to get over this on my own.

I don't know what I'm really looking for, just really anything. Tell me what y'all think or your opinion. Anything. Thanks in advance.

[MsNobleEleanor]

Hey there Ash,

Do you find you try to be happy? Or when you are happy you're afraid to feel sad or depressed?

I was a lot like you with feeling happiness and depression. It took me a long time to realize what was happening, and then it took a long time to figure it out; how to make myself feel better. I was used to feeling depressed and when I felt happy it was as if it didn't belong, shouldn't feel happy. In all honesty I was afraid to be happy. But that didn't stop me from wanting to be happy.

When we are so used to one thing and try a different thing, that new thing doesn't feel the same. Does that make sense.

You are still young and believe me it took me a long time, 2 maybe 3 years to figure myself out. It takes time. So what I did to make myself realize what was I was doing.

For starters I think realizing that when you feel happy you become depressed, that is a start. That is where I started as well. Have you ever just sat down and felt what you are feeling? Then figure out why you feel that way? If you feel sad, feel it, then ask yourself why you feel sad, did a friend say something to you a few days ago that made you sad. Do you kinda get where I am coming from?

I can word it a different way. Allow yourself to feel your feelings and let yourself be aware why you do feel that way.

I found it helped me to understand myself, why I felt a certain way, but don't be hard on yourself, it takes time. I learned a lot from doing this and like I said it took me 2 maybe 3 years to really understand it. It may help, it may not help. You are also in a mind set of, "I will never be happy," because you've been used to feeling sad and depressed for awhile.

Could you gently ask the question to your counselor of what they can tell your parents or not. You do have the right to know what you do tell them, they shouldn't tell your parents, in less you are being hurt, you know someone is being hurt or you want to hurt yourself. Would asking them be something you could do? Counseling is still available to you, so you can still get some support.


Take Care,

Chantal

[Agony]

Thanks for the response!

I try to be happy, but still feel sad and depressed even while I am laughing, like I can't escape it.

I've sat down before and have tried to pinpoint what caused me to feel sad, but the only thing that comes to mind is the fact that I will never do what I'm "supposed" to do. I will never be the invincible person that I need to be. I get where you are coming from, but the thing that is causing me to be unhappy is inside of me, it is me. No matter how much I change, I'm never good enough. Never.

I'm afraid to ask because then she will ask questions; questions that I cannot answer honestly. For instance, she'd ask if I was cutting again and I would have to lie because I don't want my parents to know that I have relapsed. I also know that she would ask if I've had suicidal thoughts lately and would have to tell them as well. By law she has to tell them about the thoughts of suicide (if I'm correct). I can't let my parents find that out. I just can't.

I know I will be stopping counseling soon, I will continue lying; just like the old days. I hate this because I am worse than ever before. I feel like this is a war; I will either win or die trying. The bad thing is, I don't see myself winning.

[MsNobleEleanor]

Hey there Ash,

If you could change something within yourself what would you want to change?

You may know. You may not know.

I found it's to go deep inside yourself to find these weaknesses and/or strengths, but it can be exhausting and tiring to do so. I also think fears also prevent us from knowing what we should really do and shouldn't do, because change is scary. Changing our-self is challenging because we are so used to the way we think, do things, react and so many other things, so it's hard to change something we've been doing for years or even months. It's almost like a bad habit.

Instead of,

I will never do what I'm "supposed" to do.

Why don't you try to not be hard on yourself? It's hard and may seem unrealistic (it was for me!) but instead of focusing on is this what I'm suppose to do or be doing, just think about it, do what feels right to you. Now if you feel that what you're suppose to do isn't, could you ask someone for clarification?

Ash, you can do whatever you'd like to do; if that's changing yourself you are allowed to do this, it shouldn't be "I'm supposed to do," it's also what you feel what you are supposed to do or be. If that make sense.

Do you feel ready for counseling to stop or do you still need some more guidance? If you feel you still need counseling but not like once a week, or twice a month maybe once a month for a check in, would this be something you would want?

I also know that she would ask if I've had suicidal thoughts lately and would have to tell them as well. By law she has to tell them about the thoughts of suicide (if I'm correct). I can't let my parents find that out. I just can't.

Different counseling services have their own guidelines to this, but from all the counseling services I have been to, they all are similar around this question. There is a difference between, "I've been thinking about suicide recently but I wouldn't want to act on it," from someone saying, "I have suicidal thoughts and I have a plan," those two examples are great in this question. The first would alarm the counselor but since you shared your thoughts as well that you don't want to harm yourself they're more likely wont tell anyone, however if you told the counselor the second part regarding you have a plan, they will also be concerned and would need to inform the correct persons; like your parents.

If it's possible you could call them from a pay phone and inquire this question about it, where you can remain anonymous. Just explain you are wanting to understand some guidelines of confidentiality regarding those area's. Another suggestion could be to look on their web site.

What do you mean when you say you lie in counseling? Ash the counselor can't help you if you can't tell them what is bothering you. I know you fear that what you say to the counselor you're parents will find out. By law counselors can't release that information to anyone in less you are in danger of yourself or another or that you know someone is in danger and another reason is if a judge requests this information.

If you are feeling worse than before, would not telling your counselor you need some more help be a bad thing? You will end up back on a wait list (if there was one) for another counselor. If you explained you aren't feeling the best they can help you. Do you know if they offer any self-esteem groups, anxiety groups, how to cope, maybe just a fun group to go to? It may be helpful.

Please Take Care