Very, very bad case of depression, over 10 year build up

[jca550]

Hi everyone.

I've completely given up on myself and life, it all started around 10 years ago and ever since then I became a little more depressed with each day.

I have never had a single friend in my life, my family don't trust each other and I don't even love them or like them and I've never had anybody to talk to comfortably. I see a group of friends or a girlfriend and boyfriend and all I think about is that I will never have it, like trying to touch the sky with your hands.

A year ago I just left school, I was getting sick of everybody avoiding me like the plague, the teachers basicly ignoring me and always being treated like a diseased possum. Besides that, because of being very depressed all those years I had a serve lack in concentration therfor I felt like I never learnt anything at school so I packed it all in and one day I woke up and said to my mother, "Know what? **** this, I'm not going because it's ***."

Oh and there is something else... Two years ago I started getting this slight pain in my heart, I don't even care. I still have and while I'm typing this I feel it burning. It may be pain but I just really don't give a ****.

My parents always using me as their stress ball, they have argument and want to relieve stress, oh don't worry let's just go into his room break crap and lock him outside all night, in winter with nothing but my damn underwear mind you. Worst of all, I live on a farm so nobody is around. I always loved my own dog more than my parents

Atleast I feel happier knowing my father shot himself, first thing I though... "Well about goddamn time ***hole." Funny... (Not for the faint-hearted)... After he shot himself and a little of his brain went flying, the dog ate it, I just smiled... Yeah, yeah... Sad I know.

These days though, I sit around the house all day watching series and playing games. Don't even have the energy to walk 100 meters. I eat crap, I suffer from constipation about every month because I'm inactive and do nothing but sit around. Hang on a second though, when I said I play games allow me to be a little more... Well let me tell you exactly why I play games, not for the fun, oh no. To be in another world, I have emotion connections to characters in video games, not those FPS games I'm talking about real RPG's, I love just loading it up and hanging around in game virtually relaxing because frankly, I feel more at home in a world that doesn't exist than a real world because people suck, life sucks.

Whenever I tried something new I always gave up on it after a few days of starting, weither it was writing, exercise, or a new skills I always gave up, I couldn't push myself. Still can't.

I lay in bed every night hoping my mother will be next to die, that's when I go to bed mind you! Either I stay awake 48 hours in a row or I sleep 16 + hours.

These days I'm eating real bad, I'm having fried chips just about everyday with salt, eating about a half or more of an entire cake and a big packet of chips. I'm gaining wieght, and I'm not eating real food, forget dinner, bag of chips, forget breakfast, cake and tea. I guess for suicide that's the way to go right?

I put on a happy face every day and pretent to care whenever my mother starts talking about herself, that brings me to another thing. She just wont shut her ****ing mouth about herself, I could be talking about clouds, paint, or frogs and somehow she finds a way to make it about her and I'm tired of it, she's the only human interaction I have had in the pass 3 years.

the truth is I'm basicly already dead, the thing is though... I can't commit suicide, I have held a knife to my throat, I have stood on the edge of a bridge but I just don't have the courage to pull that final trigger. I don't see any point on living, I have no skills, I have nothing to offer anyone, I don't even have to confidence to say a simple "Hello." to a stranger, the only thing I do have, or will have when my mother dies, the inheritance money which is more than enough to last a lifetime.

That's my story, so what do you say to that? By the way I'm 17, so yeah a perfect start to a great life wouldn't you agree? And please mind my grammar and spelling, never got the chance to focus my English. Sad for someone my age huh?

Well if any of you have advice then please say something, just don't drop something big on me, "like go get a job", or "Go make some friends". I need something very small to start with.

[Rivière]

It sounds like you've had a very rough life and to me, it sounds like you're a very good person with a big heart, it's just that you struggle to show it because of how depressed you are. Your lack of self-esteem and confidence hinder your ability to talk to people and although you want someone to reach out and catch you, you don't know who to turn to. By joining TeenHelp is already an accomplishment because whether you realise it or not, that is a really big step! It shows that underneath all of your sadness, you want to feel better.

I've never lived on a farm but I do know that feeling of seclusion, where you're out in the middle of no where with your family and you can't share anything with them because they start either talking about themselves or they'll just say or do something to make things worse. It makes us feel angry because underneath we feel neglected, "What about me?" "What about what I feel?" And with no one to listen to us, the anger increases. This is because of how unheard we feel and how we feel we're neglected. Your mum talking to herself, I don't know why or what the reason for her talking to herself was but like you, my mum does very, very similar and the reason for it was because underneath, she was very depressed herself and it was her way of expressing and coping with pain.

I think underneath all you want to do is for someone to listen and understand you and I feel this is where your depression is coming from. I know this might not be what you want to hear, but improving your diet will also help you to mentally, feel a little better. Some foods contain natural ingredients which help encourage the chemicals in your brain to improve on its production. These brain chemicals are very important in helping is because once they reach a low point, this is where depression sets in and then the negative thoughts and feelings start to emerge.

You said you've never had a single friend in your life. Some friends are not always found through our daily lives and while some people will say, "Go out and get friends", it's a lot harder than it looks! Not everyone has the ability to make friends easily, many people find it hard to because they feel they're not very sociable or they just feel that the person they meet will judge and hurt them in one way or another. I grew up with 'friends'. Not friends, 'friends'. I would talk to them in school but after that, I never spoke to them again. Friendship does require communication in one way or another or the friendship will fall apart, many of people I knew I never talked to after school and then I never saw them again. To me those 'friends' were more like acquaintances, however, the greatest of friends I have found have been here online. The internet is filled with a vast majority of varied types of people from different cultures, backgrounds and ethnicities. I find it's so much easier to make friends with people online than in-person because it allows us to do so many things that we can't do in-person such as meet someone from another country. Here in TeenHelp you'll find there's people just like you and they also have suicidal thoughts, they feel their families don't pay attention to them and that they feel like they have no friends. This is how friendships are made, through having something in common with someone else.

You said that when you tried something new you gave up after a few days. Maybe what you're trying isn't challenging enough to you or that what 'new' thing you're trying isn't interesting to you? Perhaps this is why you give up easily. Like you I've had terrible trouble with motivating myself to do anything. I tried all my usual things, play online games, go outside, go for a walk. Nothing was interesting but then I found that it was a simple matter of talking to someone new, not doing something new. Maybe what you're doing is too household-restrictive? How do you feel about going for a walk a little away from your family for half an hour or so? Do you have any hobbies and interests? If you feel you don't have any or many, think about something in the opposite direction to the hobbies you have now. If you like being in your room, try going outside of your room and being outside. As you go to school if you can, see if you can stay out a little more after school. These different changes can help us to feel good an walking in itself is enjoyable.

One thing I would suggest is that you try to make an appointment with your GP, if you're in America and you have health insurance you'll be ok to. From there you can talk to a doctor about how you feel and they'll be able to point you in the right direction and help you to feel better. Have you also considered counselling of any sort if you haven't already? Talking to someone about all these feelings you have to a counsellor might be useful to you because they can help give you ways of helping you to recover.

Whenever you get seriously low periods that you want to commit suicide, remember that there's a lot more to life than death. You can't find relief for your problems if you're dead, you must be alive to seek it. Think positively. It is very hard to think positively but you can do it. Believe in yourself and know that you can and that you will overcome all of those negative thoughts and feelings!

[minniemouseprincess]

Wow..I don’t quite know what to say but I guess i’ll start off by saying, I am very sorry about all the crap you have put up with over the years=( Like Sarah said, you seem like a a very good person that just needs someone to be there for him and to care. Your family has been no help to you and thats really too bad. You do know though that nobody can make you better or save you? I tell people, you need to save yourself because you’re the only one that can. I’m not trying to sound harsh or anything, I really mean it. Nobody can save me but myself. Nobody can save the mailman but himself. In order to get better, you need to have the patience and be willing to get better and fight to get better because it certainly will take time and it will be maybe the hardest thing you’ve ever done. But there’s nothing in life thats easy and worth it. I know you are having trouble with pushing yourself to help yourself, whether it be with eating right or excersising, but you just gotta keep trying. You’re right, the first few times, it may not work at all. Nothing may change. But if you keep pushing for it and work a little with it each day, you’ll do better over time. I’m thinking whatever is causing the pain in your heart is from not eating well and no excersise. So this is the precise time to start. I dissagree with you about having nothing to offer anyone and having no skills. Everyone is important. Everyone can do something remarkable, even if they dont know it yet. Anyone can accomplish greatness. And even if you don’t think you have skills right now, you do have a good heart and I feel like you would be a very wonderful and kind friend to someone. To me, thats better than any skill anyone could ever have. Someday, you will have good friends and a girlfriend, someday maybe even a wife and the mother of your children (if you were to want that someday). But you gotta hold on for that because none of that happens overnight. It takes time to find friends and make friends but it will happen throughout your life, sometimes at the most unexpected times. You can meet people pretty much anywhere. I know you are kind of far out though since you are on a farm. I think the best way to make friends right now for you is to talk to people on here. Its not quite the same as knowing them in real life, but it may be of some help and make it not as lonely.There will always be people walking in and out of your life. Some people will stay, some won’t. That’s just part of life. Anyway, you did something really good by joining here. There’s a lot of very kind and helpful people and I think it will be good for you to be here=) If you ever need someone to talk to or would like a friend, I am always here.