Triggering: I can't escape my depression!

[alliegator]

Well this is my first time on here, I figured I could use some understanding advice. Ill give my backstory, so please bear with me. At the beginning of this year, my second semester sophomore year, I began to feel awful about myself, I hated my body and I hated my personality. I had finally gained some really good friends after being in high school and a new state for a year and a half, but I still felt terrible all the time. I became really lazy and unenergetic, I would come home after school and do nothing. After months of this, I diagnosed myself with depression. After all, I figured, I'm not the only one feeling this way, these thoughts and actions have a name. I went to a close friend first and am SO glad I did, turns out she'd felt with depression a while back too. I wasn't alone. Then I went to another close friend, a guy I'd been feeling close to in the last semester of school an a really good friend. He had also been through things like this and he helped me... more than he could ever know during those few months. He was always there to talk to and always understood everything that happened in my life that made me depressed, from a family member's passing to my abusive older brother.
Eventually I told my parents and they didn't seem to make it a huge deal, besides arranging for me to see a therapist weekly. I told another two of my very close guy friends and they've been so much more than supportive. Many times I called them up at 1 in the morning after self-harming, and they would calm me down, tell me how important I was and help me sleep. I had bouts of, and still have, insomnia, and it would frighten me to sleep for more than a few hours. As a result, I would be grumpy and irritated at the world, every day. My friends would stand by offering encouragement but there were time I didn't want to be helped. I self harmed almost weekly, and I wrote incredibly frightening poetry and songs. My therapist helped a little, but I felt like I was always explaining things, and it never really helped, so I stopped going. Once on a school band trip, in our hotel, I was having terrible suicidal thoughts of what it might be like just to jump off the hotel balcony. Thankfully, one of my two great guy friends I mentioned earlier came by and talked to me, he knew exactly what I was thinking.
I started taking sleeping pills, this in addition to the pain pills I take because I have so many physical problems: a messed up knee from a horse injury that the doctors still don't know what's wrong with, keeping me from running; a messed up wrist which shows nothing on X-rays and hurts daily; and now an ankle/shin that shoots with pain every time I run or walk excessively. I've always thought about asking to be admitted to the hospital; taking all these medications for pain has always been a huge temptation for me to make the pain go away by overdosing. If I ever got really depressed, I feel like I might do that and it scares me. I started having anxiety attacks either from trying to sleep or from when I'd try to wake up.
But now, two months after school ended, I have been self-harm and attack free for two months; I made a commitment to myself to rid my life of anything that I didn't want in it and I felt i was really done. I felt great about myself, and I was sure glad to be rid of those downgrading, negative thoughts that kept hurting me.
But last night as I was trying to sleep (I'm trying to wean myself off the sleeping pills I have been using) the thoughts came into my head again.

This summer, my family and I lost our home to the Black Forest Fire. I wasn't home when the evacuation started, so almost none of my stuff survived except the few things my parents grabbed of mine. We have been staying in a crammed little house with all 9 of us packed in like sardines, but it's not thy bad since we have no personal belongings to take up space. This was really the last straw for me. It's like, as soon as I get over the hardest trial of my life, depression, I get thrown this curveball. All of my belonging from the last 16 years if my life were just burned to ash. I had almost 20 journals that I drew and wrote in during my depression that helped me through it all. And now they're all gone.

So last night as I was crying (I've cried myself to sleep almost every night since the fire), I had those stupid disgusting thoughts come back into my head. "It's just too terrible and just too hard. It's not worth it." "What about ----? (My guy friend who's helped me through that I've dated on and off, he's helped me so much)" "I don't know if even he's worth it, I just can't handle this emotional pain any more." "It's all gone, I have nothing left of life." And it scared the crap out of me. I started thinking about the full medicine cabinet and what if finding me lying on the floor would finally convince my mom that my condition is serious and take me to the hospital. It was awful. Thankfully, I forced myself to stay in my bed and text my friend, ----. I don't know how but I managed to fall asleep, an he texted me back this morning, reassuring me and reminding me of all the things that have helped me overcome these thoughts in the past. It helped, but I'm still so ashamed of losing two months of progress and relapsing into my stupid depressing thoughts.

I guess what I'm asking here is... For all of those people out here that feel the same way... I hope you'll help me understand. Can I ever get over these last few torturous months? Does it really ever go away for good? What do you do to keep yourself happy for so long when life just keeps throwing curveballs at you?

I really hope someone out there can help...

[Chuuya]

Hey there,

To answer your question at the end, I think you can get past what you've been through in the past months. This is one chapter of your life, and you have so much ahead of you. You're strong, and you have a great support system behind you, like your friends. You can do this. Unfortunately, there will always be bumps in the road, and curve balls thrown at you. There will always be ups and downs, it's life, but the thing about life is that it goes on. No matter what is thrown at you, you have the ability to get through it. Don't ever forget that.

It sounds like you've been through a lot as well, with the fire, physical problems, having suicidal thoughts, and self harm as well. I think it was a great idea to talk to your friends and family, it was a huge step forward. Even if your parents didn't seem very concerned. With your therapist, sometimes not every therapist is going to help you. There's a lot of them out there who have different methods of helping people. Have you ever thought about seeing another one, or talking to your parents about it again? I think it's important that your parents see that this isn't something they can sweep under the rug and pretend isn't there. It's affecting you in negative ways, with the suicidal thoughts and self harm. That's not something that can be ignored. They need to step up and help you through this. It might help to write them a letter, or sit down with them one night and talk to them about it and tell them about the suicidal thoughts and self harm. You could also print out some information on self harm and depression so they can know a little more about it, and maybe take it more seriously this time.

I myself have some physical problems and they are really annoying, but remember you're not alone in this. I think it's great that you have your friends as well and lean on them when you need to.

We all have slip ups or relapses. I've had them, and a lot of them here on TeenHelp have as well. They are a part of recovery, and you just have to pick yourself up and keep trying because it's not time to give up yet. It's amazing that you've gone two months with out self harming, it's a huge achievement, don't downgrade it! Be proud that you're doing what you can.

If you ever feel the urge to self harm, I also recommend taking a look at the Alternatives to Self Harm. I use this list quite a lot and it is extremely helpful. Not everything will help everyone though, so if something doesn't help you, try to find something else that might help you!

I really hope that this helped you, and I have no doubt that you can get through this. Keep getting up when life gets you down, you're strong and you can do it. Take care, and if you ever want to talk feel free to send me a message! My inbox is always open.

[Ghost On The Highway]

Hey Allie,

Welcome to TH I have also struggled with depression for several years. The "good" news, if you'll permit me to call it that, is that it seems your problems are to some degree situational. It sounds like you've been through some really rough times with your family, the fire, physical health, losing your belongings, etc. If you can rectify those issues, I think you may start to feel better again. Make no mistake, high school can be a rough time emotionally. When I was in HS, I had only one real friend, who probably saved my life. What do you think is wrong with your body and personality? A lot of teenagers see themselves in an unfairly negative light, and trying to conform to an ideal of "normality" or popularity can definitely worsen this perception. I threw away a lot of good character traits and interests just because I judged them as "too nerdy" or "effeminate." In retrospect, I wish I'd just stayed true to myself.

For those general feelings of malaise, I can recommend a few things that helped me. A good therapist can really help, though it's often hard to find one that works for you. Keep at it, and don't be afraid to end a professional relationship because "it's just not working." I went through seven therapists before I found one that actually helped me. Meditation can be a powerful tool -- it allows you to direct your thoughts away from negative self-perception and towards wholeness and peace. You could also look into medication, although I hesitate to recommend that because you are so young and have had depression for less than a year. Stay strong and please message me if you'd like

[alliegator]

Wow, thank you for the incredible advice. You gave me a lot to think about, thanks