Fuck...
I've just been told that all through October we have £114 to spend on food, petrol and anything else we need like train tickets...
We have £10 max to spend on food a week and I can't run or anything because we need to save the petrol...
Aparently we have to have either cereal or toast (I don't even like the latter) for tea at least every other night and I might not even be allowed fruit in the morning...
It's times like these that I hate my Dad... When it's his fault...

Feeling lonely
Not even sure why...
I just want to be around people...
Friends...
Well just this one friend, C...
I think she's beautiful...
She's my best friend in my head...
Although I think she prefers the others to me...
Or at least likes us equal...
I wish she liked me the most...
I wish I just had a pal here...
Someone to talk to and stuff...
Oh Well... I guess being lonely is the consequence of being an only child...

Spider under my draws, not even scared of them but this is terrifiying...
It has 3 ways out, 3 ways to die...
But which way?
It has to come out before mother sees... she'll on freak and stress me more...
But it won't leave... And I really want it to go...
Don't want to be a murderer, but it needs to go to heaven...
I'm all itchy...
And Shivering...
And what if it has eggs?
How will we cope with spider babies when mother screams from money spiders......

I've been talking to this girl recently...
Like me, she cuts...
We met on the internet ages ago and have been talking everyday for months and months.
I thought she was like me... I thought she cut as a way to survive...
She hadn't cut for 4 weeks because of a swimming thing... She's been caught so she couldn't or they'd know...
Well I asked her how long it's been and she said 4 weeks but I'm going to cut after my last swim...
I told her why doesn't she keep...

I'm ripped to shreds...
I don't even regret it...
At least I feel good now...
I'm just addicted to this pain...
At least I know it makes me happy...
And I guess that's my reason to not stop...
Sorry to disappoint... Turns out I'm weaker than I thought...

Not used by blade in 2 months...
Need it now... Need it bad...
Can't find it...
Don't know what to do...
Need pain... Need release...
Don't know where to look...
Real bad at finding things...
What's the point though?
Might as well not bother... Let myself explode...
Should just let myself go... bam

Too tired...
Too much work..
Too much other stuff to do...
Need breaks but can't take them...
Detention a possibility in every subject...
Not enough hours to do everything I need too...
Don't know how much ore I can take of this...
Not sure how to keep going y'know...
I'm becoming a zombie...
Can't breathe...
Can't think...
Can't eat...
Just need to sleep...

Reasons to Live:

• Football
• Friends

Reasons to Die:

• I hate Life
• Find every day harder
• Good for nothing
• A waster
• Destined for doom
• Selfish
• Hopeless

Please Save Me.
Please Love Me.
Please Stop This.

Feeling a bit shit. Don't know why. I don't want to go to school tomorrow, can't face all those people, could cope with 1 or 2 but I haven't any friends in any classes tomorrow and I'm not up to it.
I know I promised to to feel down but I can't help it... I know I shouldn't feel like this and I'm being pathetic and I'm lucky to have the friends I do, but I can't help but feel so embarressed about it.
Please don't judge me, I knew my promise was going to be hard and at the time I did...