I'm fucking everything up and I can't stop myself...
What's wrong with me?
I say I'm going to help... Don't ask why
I get so pissed I can't and have to leave before I regret something...
All she did was say my pudding was yummy.
Hate being shit at everything. Hate being a cruel, useless waste of space.
I know why I'm annoyed...
Because she said suicide is the ultimate act of selfishness..
Fuck Off! What does she know?

School tomorrow.....

I'm speechless
Feel numb, like I'm easily going to be triggered
Dreading school on Monday
People are going to laugh at me as they saw me in town today, after the match, in my gear.
So close to recovery, don't think I could take that
Almost kissed her today... on the 3rd goal from a 3-0 down comeback (we lost 4-3) and I think she knows
I fucking love her and she knows
I wish she loved me back...
I wish she wasn't as straight as a pole...
I wish...

Most of you will think this is weird.
I don't care.
Progress...
Sweet sweet revenge on this depression...
Didn't realize until I was in bed last night going through my day...
I said to myself 'when I have a house'
WHEN!!!!!!!!!
It shows that subconciously I can see a future!
That sounds more mad...
But to me this makes sense...
I have hope...
On the outside I may be struggling to see it.
But that doesn't matter...
If...

Gary Speed.
Legend.
Shaken the whole country up.
Normal guy, had everything, commits suicide.
Painted my nails in memory of him.
A top guy.
Showed me that my depression is ok.
He had a normal day, I watched him on football focus that morning!
Happy
Smiling
Laughing
Has a full day, talks to Robbie Savage and then has a 4...

I don't want to die today that's a lie
I don't want to die today
I don't want to die today
I don't want to die today
I don't want to die today
I don't want to die today
I don't want to die today...

Test was all about suicide and euthanasia
I managed to come to the conclusion that suicide is a good thing and all Christians should give euthanasia to people that want it.
Aparrently that's not right...
I think I was meant to say that it goes against God or something...
I went on the opinion that God's a load of rubbish...
Not sure if I believe...
Well I do believe, but I don't worship...
I think this test of faith or whatever else it could be is rubbish...

On study leave Revsision 24/7 and exams though
Scared about tomorrow, have ethics exam...
The paper triggers me It's all about death, euthanasia and suicide...
My philosophy paper today went ok... I definately did enough to get a B and I wouldn't be surprised if I got an A. I know this is jinxing it but hey...
Never feel as if papers go well so I'm in an odd way...
Off to revise Chemistry now, staying away from ethics, I'm so on the edge right now...

Went to Birmingham today for football and shopping.
Met up with my uncle...
Found out I have a half brother called Ryan after Giggs.
He's 1, my father had him at 47
Don't know how I feel, envy that Ryan lives in luxery I suppose, but I would like to meet him when he's old enough.
My father knows about my footy love and the fact my uncle met up with me. That feels horrible that he knows things but still doesn't support me in any way.
You guys love me and mum...

.

The sadness never leaves

: ' (

Had to go to this stupid meeting thing today.
It was basically a 'your reports are good have a couple of cookies' thing.
The only reason I get a good report is because I'm too scared to talk in all but 3 classes.
And it was horrible!
Cookies!
I couldn't refuse them and we had to eat them there...
I've had so much today, I'm so fat, I hate it.
And I've been surrounded by eating people all day, I hate it.
I can't believe how much I've had today......