All I can think about is the blade... it's horrid... in the shower, the razor... it just sits and stares at me... I can feel it now even though I'm in the next room... it's pulling me their... Even the blade in my pocket is nagging me to touch it... I need something to make it go away... I need drugs... I need drugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I need to run and escape the house... Day 7... I have to make it to 10... AT LEAST!!!!!!

Threw crap today... came last n got beaten by a 12 year ild or sumthin pathetic... Today is my 6th day of not cutting... I really don't want to break it and I'm dead proud that I'm not even though I desperately want to and everything I see I want to use... I was trying to use my nail earlier but I was smart enough to have them really short and filed so they cant do harm... otherwise I would have... I feel weak yet so strong, I'm keeping my chin up and not thinking about it... I just hope I can last......

Wow! I can't believe I never cut today... I was in ENglish and this girl took the blade from her pencil sharpener... then this guy took it and pretended to cut... I couldn't focus for ageeeees.. Just replaying in my head the blade across the arm... imagining the blood oozing from the cut... It's so tempting to just get my blade and slice open... But I won't... because I know I can't...

Well after my little mis-hap and the couple of days to recover I am back on track to quitting It's not that hard today because I had a generally good day, but as soon as my mind wanders to cutting I'm struggeling and going mental But I did it for 4 days, I can do it for 5 this time

I feel like shit! I hate my life... I get told to go shopping to get stuff and then blamed when I don't go to my volunteer placement bearing in ming I forgot because I got told to go shopping and then blamed... Everyone knows I can't remember anything! I'm such an idiot... and i just wasted £10 on stuff for scars, strech marks, dry skin etc... when I could have got something just for scars but stupid me didn't read the bloody bottle! God I'm just a prat! And what's more the oil STINKS so everyones...

I went hairdressers today and I got a side fringe... it's the first time I've had a fringe and it's harder for me because I have curly hair. For once I actually feel good about myself... if actually looks ok and everyone seems to like it. I mean it will be different when I do my own hair but it's good I have the potential to look decent.. It was well scary when she cut it but I'm glad she did!

I do voulntary work at a charity shop near my school... It's not that bad but today I finished my usual jobs early and had to help sort out... there was this keyring... a guiniess one and I looked at it, I played with it for a bit and realized it had a small knife in it... nobody was watching me and I slipped it in my pocket... I feel so guilty and I don't know what to do... I've always had urges to steal things and when I was younger I stole things a lot... but what's worse is I'm taking money...

Grrrr... I'm such an idiot! I was walking to the bus stop and the stress of everything (especially my English stress) was getting to me and I cut on the palm of my hand... it bled for ages which was good and made me feel fresh... but now I have to make sure I keep my hand balled... I mean it's easy to cover but such a pain... and honey/exfoliating is not working!!!!! I guess I'll have to try something else soon...! Life sucks!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO... I'VE LOST MY BLADE!!!!!! WHAT DO I DO??? I NEED MY OLD BLADE!!!!!!!!!! I HAVE MORE BUT THEY'RE RUBBISH IN COMPARISON!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOO IT COULD BE ANYWHERE! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Ugh thank god! My parents evening actually went well... teachers were dead nice and didn't focus on the fact I'm never listening just said I have a 'good work ethic'. SO relieved, I thought they were gunna have a go that although I'm deadly silent I'm always in my own world. In fact I only had one bad appointment and that was textiles... I don't care about textiles, pointless subject, don't know why I picked it, all I do is trap my finger in the machine I can't work. Although I shouldn't be having...