I cried last night and I couldn't stop. It was horrible but refreshing... I think I stayed up half the night, unable to rid the tears that fell from my eyes. I feel different today, stronger! It's a good feeling, just ignoring the bad stuff and focusing on what's good. I never cry, not ever, but it's something I would reccomend, a new start to me, I hope this feeling lasts, it's pretty spectacular.

A/N... If you are a fan of Peterborough United you may just have a heart attack... or hyperventilate, or just be unbelieveably jealous...

No where to begin.. Let's start at the very beginning, A very good place to start, When you read you begin with A-B-C, When you sing you begin with do-re-mi...

Sunday 29th May

That was the day of the match, the match against boro and hudders, the play-off final, to see who would earn their place as a championship team,...

I want to die... I want to die now... I've been so so stupid! I was in the library with my friends at lunch and I got my blade out and cut my friends leg... (with permission) and then she cut my hand and my leg and then I just needed to cut and I made 2 really deep cuts on my leg and they watched and it felt soooooooooooo good and now I have cuts which mum will be able to see and I have blood down my leg and I think they all know I'm a freak now... I've been physically shaking, I don't know why...

OMG !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! POSH WON THE PLAY-OFF MATCH AND I'M GOING TO OLD TRAFFORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!YESTUDAY WAS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...

so after like a month of quitting ive cut 2 days in a row... everything is triggering me, my biology lesson made me break down... I had to escape to the toilets... My cuts are getting much much deeper than before, if i cut any deeper I would be into a vein... i even dream of cutting and of blood and death... i cant stop, everytime i see a car i want to jump infront of it and let everything come to a peaceful end... i never thought it would get this bad, my grades are slipping, ive stopped talking...

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO! MY MUM HAS ME TOTALLY SUSSED! SHE KNOWS THEYRE SELF HARM AND SHE KNOWS I THEN MOVED TO MY STOMACH! I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO! I FEEL LIKE CRYING! IM SOOOOOOOOO SCARED SHE'S GOING TO CHECK AND I'VE STOPPED FOR AGEEEEEES! I DON'T OVERLY NEED TO NOW, I KNOW MORE THAN EVER THAT I CAN'T! BUT IM SO STRESSED AND ITS THIS TYPE OF THING THAT MAKES ME NEED 2! I HATE MYSELF FOR ALL THIS! I HATE HER FOR TALKING ABOUT IT! I JUST HATE IT HATE IT HATE IT! I CAN'T HELP BUT WANT TO END IT...

I swear everyone hates me! I have a total of 0 friends in most of my classes and I feel such a loser, it's so embarrasing to sit at the front, on a 4 people desk, all on your own! All I want to do is cut my arm - so badly! I fucking hate my mum and nan for noticing and saying something, why can't they fucking leave me alone, I swear it's her that made me like this, all over me... it drove me to SH! I'm not her perfect daughter like she thinks, I want alcohol, drugs, sex and just to rebel! I wish...

I've been so fat today, tomorrow I can't eat! Not until tea! And that's a promise! I ate cereal, a flapjack, 2 packets of jelly tots, a milkybar, crisps and a bunch of choclate! I've still got tea to come!!!!!!!! I'll have eaten more than 1800 in food alone! I shouldn't be eating that much, I'm lazy, small and it's not healthy! I can't wait for uni, I'm just not going to have food around, eliminate temptation! I swear if I keep this up I'm going to be obese soon... take after my nan... I can't do...

I've failed... last night in bed I cut... I couldn't stop myself... I was in the dark and I had to imagine the blood but it felt so good... now I feel shit! I've let myself and everyone else down... but I just can't do it... I can't feel good when I don't cut... but I feel the same when I do... but the release, it feels like an orgasm, good at first and then just bad... I'm no good at life... I hate it and I'm not in the mood for talking but I have to go and work ... i wish i was at school,...

Each day I feel worse... I get closer and closer to cutting and in someways I feel worse than when I was cutting. Nothing feels as good and there's nothing that can get it off my mind. All I want is the blade, it's the only thing that makes sense to me. I have days ahead of me when I'm alone, nobody to stop me, I have to do it alone and I'm not that strong! My life is so screwed up and I don't even know why!