My Dearest Blade,

I can feel you looking at me, I can feel you stare from your drawer, you want to be free from your home, you are good, you want to help me! I'm denying you happiness, I'm punishing you for doing all you know, all you ever have done, I even feel sorry for you, a fucking blade.

What's wrong with me? I need to cut but I can't, I need food but I've eaten too much already today, I can't keep busy, there's nothing to do to be distracted, I'm such a loser,...

I never know whether to start with the good or the bad, but I gues for this I should start with the bad, afterall, the bad came first!


I carved hate into my stomach last night, not deep, but enough to break the skin and it'll scar for about 8 months... I mean I needed to and it helped and today I've had one of the best days of my life... Just thinking about it makes my legs go to jelly and my heart beats faster...


I had ICT first this morning, we have...

I thought admitting everything would make it all better, but it hasn't, it made it all worse! I can't talk about it... it makes me feel stupid and weak and pathetic! But yes... I'm unfixable, and I'm not even sure I want to fix anymore!

I'm going to do it... I'm going to admit to myself all my problem... And then they're going to disappear... Everything will be good again... Like when I was young!

Self Harm - The urges are tough, but I try and fight them, I only cut when it's life or death, I get myself low, as low as I can cope, and then I make it better, as better as it can get.

ED - I hide food, I bin food, I pour stuff down the sink, I 'forget' money, I exercise, I will get thin! I can't decide what...

Why is life so confusing? Why can things never be completely good? It just shows what a failure I am, I'm pathetic! I say 'oh yeah I can throw it!' and everyone's expecting me to chuck it miles and win my miles and what do I do? Come third! Fucking third! I've won every year apart from today! And that's not the worst bit! I came 7th in Long Jump! I mean 7th is completely crap! I mean worse then crap! I mean SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT! I'm meant to be sporty, I'm meant to do well at this, I'm meant...

I'm sorry I can't be perfect
I'm sorry I lie
I'm sorry You don't know me like you want to
I'm sorry I don't trust you
I'm sorry I don't like you
I'm sorry I'm selfish
I'm sorry I'm not motivated
I'm sorry I'm rude
I'm sorry I hate being here
I'm sorry I don't open up to you
I'm sorry I don't make you smile
I'm sorry I can't laugh around you
I'm sorry I don't always do as you want me to
I'm sorry I'm fat
I'm sorry...

I've been thinking about death a lot recently. Standing in the road waiting for cars and stuff. It was getting better for a bit, but now I think I'm going downhill again. There was this guy, I think I'm in love with him, but he's abandoned me. He's older than me you see, but we talked all the time and he made me forget about everything, he even made me feel good. Obviously I didn't tell him about my issues, but I think he guessed or something, he avoids me now.
I went on top of the car park...

Don't you just love good days? I do! I get them, and when I do I feel on top of the world! I love it! I'm sitting here and I'm happy, I've been happy all day! I got up at like 9.00 and I've been good ever since. I'm not even dreading school anymore! I'm excited! Seeing my friends, preparing for an exam, its all so good! eveything is so good! I s'posse I'm only posting this to say whoopee! for the good days!

It's not always because I hate myself, not always, it can be because I find myself ok, I know I shouldn't like myself, but sometimes I do, and I know it's wrong, I lie, I'm selfish, I'm week, I'm evil, I'm an attention seeker, nobody likes these things, these things make a bad person. me. I'm a fat ugly horrible person.

My head hurts and I feel sick, a sign that I'm not meant to be.

Y'know I was told today that nobody cares about my life - I thought she was my friend,...

It never lasts, the feelings, they always come back and they get worse. There's no way out for me, I always feel worse and worse and worse. When i try and help it they fight back, when I do what feels right, it's wrong. I'm hated and unloved, people don't care about me, I'm just a joke. They avoid me, they don't want to know me, they can't face the facts, I'm a mess. I cut again, I hadn't...