...

So I guess I'm an idiot.

She's bang out of order, how dare she make me feel guilty to the point of crying that I don't want to be an optometrist. If I don't want to do it then I shouldn't be made to feel guilty!

Everyone changes their mind, I don't even need to have a job in mind at this age. Urg she's a fucking bitch! As if I'd let her work for me, I don't want to see her again and af if I care about getting a job?

I don't plan on living that long anyway! She hasn't a clue about me, sometimes...

I had to put a condom on a dildo in front of the whole class today.
After my day of drugs, alcohol and 2 sex ed classes, I've decided drugs/alcohol are not a bad thing but sex sucks and something I never want to do.
I'm over half way through my life and I never had sex so I don't see why I would want to change that!

I've eaten too much today, way too many calories, I can feel the fat building up inside. Need to burn it off, need to exersize and move and make it get out, stop the weight.

I've put on weight since Monday, don't know what to do, too tired to exersize, just want to curl up in a ball and sleep, musn't stop moving though! I had too much last night, chocolate and booze = weight gain!

Must do something, think I need to cut, musn't let myself do it! Musn't let myself give...

My Dearest Blade,

I can feel you looking at me, I can feel you stare from your drawer, you want to be free from your home, you are good, you want to help me! I'm denying you happiness, I'm punishing you for doing all you know, all you ever have done, I even feel sorry for you, a fucking blade.

What's wrong with me? I need to cut but I can't, I need food but I've eaten too much already today, I can't keep busy, there's nothing to do to be distracted, I'm such a loser,...

I never know whether to start with the good or the bad, but I gues for this I should start with the bad, afterall, the bad came first!


I carved hate into my stomach last night, not deep, but enough to break the skin and it'll scar for about 8 months... I mean I needed to and it helped and today I've had one of the best days of my life... Just thinking about it makes my legs go to jelly and my heart beats faster...


I had ICT first this morning, we have...

I thought admitting everything would make it all better, but it hasn't, it made it all worse! I can't talk about it... it makes me feel stupid and weak and pathetic! But yes... I'm unfixable, and I'm not even sure I want to fix anymore!

I'm going to do it... I'm going to admit to myself all my problem... And then they're going to disappear... Everything will be good again... Like when I was young!

Self Harm - The urges are tough, but I try and fight them, I only cut when it's life or death, I get myself low, as low as I can cope, and then I make it better, as better as it can get.

ED - I hide food, I bin food, I pour stuff down the sink, I 'forget' money, I exercise, I will get thin! I can't decide what...

Why is life so confusing? Why can things never be completely good? It just shows what a failure I am, I'm pathetic! I say 'oh yeah I can throw it!' and everyone's expecting me to chuck it miles and win my miles and what do I do? Come third! Fucking third! I've won every year apart from today! And that's not the worst bit! I came 7th in Long Jump! I mean 7th is completely crap! I mean worse then crap! I mean SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT! I'm meant to be sporty, I'm meant to do well at this, I'm meant...