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Posted July 19th 2011 at 08:57 PM by Troubled_Heart

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I can never write what I want to say... I want to let it out, I want to say what's on my mind, but I can't say it. Now how I want to. I always come out with something stupid, something that isn't what I mean, something that's not quite right. It makes all the difference, it means nothing gets out and everything is still trapped inside of me.


What I want to talk about:

• My urges to self harm, how I've started burning myself and I'm scared because I don't know how to deal with it. The fact that I'm not going deep any more and having to cut more and more and more. The fact that I'm struggling to control myself and needing to cut without being found out but having no privacy for it to happen.
• The fact I'm developing an ED, I hate being fat and ugly, if I became thin I would be so much better, people would like me more and I would feel a bit happier. I need to stop eating, I can't eat anything else and I'm drinking so many calories. Water makes me feel ill and I've got this raging thirst and if I drink I can't eat because I can't put on weight! I'm eating loads at the moment, I think I'm going to have to eat cake tonight too... I hate it! As soon as the holidays start I musn't eat... I must run run run run run!
• Fuck! I've just been brought hot chocolate and cake... I can't consume it! I can't get fat like my mother wants... I don't know what to do... I need to cut... I need to OD I need to die, I don't want to wait anymore, life is too hard and I'm a quitter, all people do is cheat and I want to cheat too... I want to forget everything and to forget I need something else...

I'm a wreck, a wreck beyond belief... So much is screwing up my life and it's all such a mess... I don't know what to do anymore, I don't know how to keep going... Please tell me what to do, I think I might do something stupid...

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Comments

1. I know how you feel; wanting to write it out, but it never looks right so I don't write it. Just remember this. You're a beautiful and strong girl and I do believe you can get through this. If you ever need anything you know you can always pm/vm me. Although I'm not that experienced in some of these things, I'm more than willing to listen (Or read xD) and try and help you through this the best I can.

   Posted July 20th 2011 at 05:40 AM by Pianissimo

Troubled_Heart

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