*Trig Suicide*

I've been thinking about death a lot recently. Standing in the road waiting for cars and stuff. It was getting better for a bit, but now I think I'm going downhill again. There was this guy, I think I'm in love with him, but he's abandoned me. He's older than me you see, but we talked all the time and he made me forget about everything, he even made me feel good. Obviously I didn't tell him about my issues, but I think he guessed or something, he avoids me now.
I went on top of the car park too, and I wandered what it felt like to fall, I think I want to die by falling, I like the idea of not knowing when you're going to hit the ground and the sensation of flying...
I sat by the river, thinking about how drowning feels, aparently its hard after about 15 seconds for a bit and then you relax and feel... light? I think that's how I'd describe it in my head. It's scary but exciting is death, something I'm becoming more and more fascinated by. I can't imagine the feeling of death, it must be weird, well you can't feel, hear, breath, anything, completly just non-existent. Weird that you'll be like that for eternity. I even find eternity hard to imagine.
I'm excited for death, finally discoving whether heaven and hell exist, in some ways I want them to, but I'll end up in hell, so in a way I don't. Although hell is more powerful than heaven, hell is full of emotion, its intense, heaven isn't reality, and I don't even deserve it, I'm everything the bible and God goes against. I don't even think I believe, to be honest I don't know what I believe, I don't know what I am. For all I know I'm not even human. I'm a mess, a complete mess, messed up in the head, messed up in all I do, I can't be normal, I can't just feel things everyone else feels, I have to be me.