.

Had been what? 2 months since my last cut. About 3 weeks since my last binge. But I lost it today, I mean really lost it.




I don't even know why. I think it's because I've been left home alone for 3 days in a row. The binging, pretty sure that was boredom, I had to punish myself, I mean I HAD to. How could I not. I'm so fat. I can't believe I've let myself get like this. I need to starve. Need this pain from the cuts, don't know why I ever stopped,...

I'm the biggest fuck-up ever.
I hate what I'm doing.
Breaking everyone.

I do love him.
I mean, I'm pretty much only still here for him.

But I love her too.
She's beautiful and understands me.

What have I done?
I've fucked it up with him.
I kissed her.
I fucking kissed her and then said she could be my girlfriend.

I'm a two-timing bitch.

He was, is the best thing that had happened to...

Took enough pills to make me throw up...
Cutting like crazy...
Music so loud I hear a buzzing without it...
I am a fucked up mess.

Got an exam later and another tomorrow
Today's can fail. French. Who cares.
Tomorrow R.S. Want to do it at A-Level.
Could do with an A.
On track for a C.
Can't concentrate. Can't revise.
Destined to fail.
i hate failing. but i am a failure.

Cut again
Already regret it
Would've exploded if I didn't though
Let so many people down
Want to cut more
Know I shouldn't
Want to scoff my face with food
Tied my hands together to try stop myself
Just hate me.

Great timing there period.
Could've waited 2weeks surely?
No.
Revision not happening now, just pain.
Thanks for that.

Crying again.
Third time today.
Live for one thing. Want it to go away and leave me.
I just want to be left along to die. And not feel guilty!

I've either made the worst mistake of my life, or done the best thing ever, but I'd put my money on the first one.

I'm meeting up with my online 'boyfriend' (the inverted commas because I don't class an online relationship as proper).

I promised my mum I wouldn't meet him but I can't stop myself. She always finds out when I lie. She will find out and she will hate me and ban me from talking to him. She'll ban the internet, football and anything but school work and homelife....

So today wasn't as bad as I predicted..
Until I got home.
Cut like I used to cut... And it felt goooood...
Mother can go die...
I don't want to eat chips, I don't want to get fatter!
I've decided I don't want to stop cutting!
It makes me happy! So why the hell should I take that away from myself?

Don't want to go to school.
Don't make me go.
Already cut over it.
Need to cut again.
Need to cut so so bad.
So humiliating.
Everyone there hates me.
Everyone laughs at me.
I'M NOT A FREAK!
Well... I am.. I'm the biggest freak there is.
I just want to fit in.
I just want people to like me.
I hate me though, so why wouldn't others?
Might as well die... Only 1 thing to live for, that's not enough...