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Ugh
Posted November 8th 2009 at 05:29 AM by ThoughtManifest
(trigerring- SH)
The title really says it all. The past week has been terrible, I've been getting so angry it's become concerning even to me. I don't know what to do with all of this. I can't tell anyone because they'd put something on my record or do something to stop me from going to college. Either from my parent's perspective or the college admission's people. I can't get the help I need without giving up my future!
Somehow this has become my reality and I can't help but think that there is something not right in my head. I don't have the same feelings and emotions towards other people that most do. I don't give a fuck about your life or your struggles, and I could care less if everyone on my street died by some freak accident and I was the only one left. Some people get traumatized, but I figure that I just wouldn't care. Maybe I'm lying, maybe it's because my life has been all roses in terms of death. My grandfather was murdered and my step-grandfather is dying, quickly. But I really don't care.
My parents have no chance of finding this blog unless I'm stupid and leave it up one day or it gets flagged at school or they see it over my shoulder. That's not going to happen though, will it. I may be emotional and angry, but I am not stupid. I just need to gain more control over my mouth and learn how to step down, then I'll really have complete control. Some acting classes would be beneficial, or being better with my facial expressions. If I can handle those two aspects of my personality. those two faults of mine, then I'd be set. Until then, I'll have to walk on eggshells and hope that I'm doing things right. I'm still in the learing stage.
Hurt myself today, made a little box on my arm. But the lines aren't dark enough, or deep enough. It's nosediving, this urge, getting so far inside of me now that I know I can pull it off. Ahaha it's so obvious how confused I am about all of this, I'm not making any sense. I wish there were someone I could talk to face to face who wouldn't shun me for all of this. Someone I could just tell every last detail about. There's so much to say. I'll just need to find another venue to express that side of me without attracting too much attention. I can't afford to mess up and get thrown into an institution.
Can't help but wonder if it's going to take something drastic to force me into getting an effective therapy plan where the therapist actually knows what they're dealing with. That's got to be enough for tonight, I'll probably elaborate on it later, on another day. I just really needed to document this latest safety pin encounter in case one day I grow out of it, or can find a pattern.
I don't know what the fuck I'm doing here.
The title really says it all. The past week has been terrible, I've been getting so angry it's become concerning even to me. I don't know what to do with all of this. I can't tell anyone because they'd put something on my record or do something to stop me from going to college. Either from my parent's perspective or the college admission's people. I can't get the help I need without giving up my future!
Somehow this has become my reality and I can't help but think that there is something not right in my head. I don't have the same feelings and emotions towards other people that most do. I don't give a fuck about your life or your struggles, and I could care less if everyone on my street died by some freak accident and I was the only one left. Some people get traumatized, but I figure that I just wouldn't care. Maybe I'm lying, maybe it's because my life has been all roses in terms of death. My grandfather was murdered and my step-grandfather is dying, quickly. But I really don't care.
My parents have no chance of finding this blog unless I'm stupid and leave it up one day or it gets flagged at school or they see it over my shoulder. That's not going to happen though, will it. I may be emotional and angry, but I am not stupid. I just need to gain more control over my mouth and learn how to step down, then I'll really have complete control. Some acting classes would be beneficial, or being better with my facial expressions. If I can handle those two aspects of my personality. those two faults of mine, then I'd be set. Until then, I'll have to walk on eggshells and hope that I'm doing things right. I'm still in the learing stage.
Hurt myself today, made a little box on my arm. But the lines aren't dark enough, or deep enough. It's nosediving, this urge, getting so far inside of me now that I know I can pull it off. Ahaha it's so obvious how confused I am about all of this, I'm not making any sense. I wish there were someone I could talk to face to face who wouldn't shun me for all of this. Someone I could just tell every last detail about. There's so much to say. I'll just need to find another venue to express that side of me without attracting too much attention. I can't afford to mess up and get thrown into an institution.
Can't help but wonder if it's going to take something drastic to force me into getting an effective therapy plan where the therapist actually knows what they're dealing with. That's got to be enough for tonight, I'll probably elaborate on it later, on another day. I just really needed to document this latest safety pin encounter in case one day I grow out of it, or can find a pattern.
I don't know what the fuck I'm doing here.
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