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Not feeling too happy today
Posted November 2nd 2009 at 07:33 AM by ThoughtManifest
--warning: language
Not crazy depressed either, don't get me wrong, but just lackluster. Saw my cousin for the first time in years, went over to his house for dinner. Going to anyone's house lately makes me so sad, like I should have my sisters there. It didn't help that my mother couldn't go because of this goddamn urinary track infection (the fucking thing has been around for 6+ months!) that left her completely out of commission all day.
I felt so out of place the entire time and hardly said anything unless someone asked me a question. That's generally what I do, but it's glaringly obvious now that it's just me and my parents. I just hate going anywhere without my sisters unless I'm completely alone. Absolutely hate it. And it's not like my family is mean to me, or ignores me, I just have nothing to say to them and don't do well with small talk unless I absolutely have to.
So this morning I stayed in bed with my mother, watched a little bit of Step Brothers on TV, then got ready to go out. Got to drive for awhile, so that was nice. Came home and just feel like shit. All I want to do is sleep sleep sleep and never wake up again. Hit me again just a few minutes ago that I'm going to spend the next ten years working for a job that I will keep for twenty-thirty years until I retire. It won't be until I retire that I'll really relax I don't think. Unless I prove to be better at college than I was over the summer. But with the way that my mind is right now emotionally, I won't survive. Something has got to change before I get there if I ever hope to be alive by the end of next year. It's not as if I want to die, it's more like there's not much point in staying alive.
Think about it, I lost faith in God years ago, lost faith in the church. Then I lost faith in my parents when they both became ill and only one of them came back. Then I lost faith in my sisters when they moved away and made it obvious that I wasn't a necessary part of their lives for them to continue (though this is still up for debate). I lost faith in myself recently when my academic skills almost failed over the summer and my emotional health nose-dived. I cut myself for the first time, planned my suicide seriously for the first time, and am contemplating life more critically. Like I said before, it's not that I'm in love with death, it's not like I'm trying to get attention, there's just no visible reason to live for miles around. What is worth going on for? Life just seems like one shitty event after another and everyone writes it off as "gods' will" or "shit happens" no, shit doesn't just happen, life is shit and all we are doing is disguising the shit into something we can stand smelling. Until something is radically changed or corrected in my mind with substantial evidence, I'll hang onto this view of the world. I may even die with it. Who knows.
I was happy on my birthday, just a few days ago, so why hasn't that bled into the rest of my life? It was like some freak event. And was it because of the presents I was getting? I don't think I'm that shallow. I'm pretty sure I was happy because I got to talk to my sisters, so far away from this house. My parents were getting upset about the webcam not working right and getting angry, mother was sweating with the effort of taking pictures and my dad was visibly stressed because of it. But my sisters were fine. They couldn't see. They couldn't feel the tension. Like a string pulled taut against a needle point. This happiness is fleeting, and that's part of the problem I think. I've come to the age where I find problems with burying my head in the sand, but now that my eyes are open all I can feel is anger. This never ending anger at the way things are, and how they probably won't change. At least not in the next year.
And about that love with Sasha, it's just another example of how fleeting good emotions are. There's no love there, it's gone, all love will disappear with enough time. That's what my experience has shown me from watching and living. After a time it's not love, it's a requirement. You are expected to have a husband, so, get one, and keep one, or else. Or else what? I honestly don't give a fuck. And kudos to the person who breaks theese barriers and proves me wrong. Until then, fuck it. No fucking point. Damn, I'm all over the board today.
I've officially started on my novel by the way, started off pretty grim and will only get darker from here. This is definitely a novel my parents won't be able to read for a few years at least. They wouldn't understand. I'm always doing things that they wouldn't understand me doing at this age. That will probably never change ahaha I think this is enough whining for one day.
Not crazy depressed either, don't get me wrong, but just lackluster. Saw my cousin for the first time in years, went over to his house for dinner. Going to anyone's house lately makes me so sad, like I should have my sisters there. It didn't help that my mother couldn't go because of this goddamn urinary track infection (the fucking thing has been around for 6+ months!) that left her completely out of commission all day.
I felt so out of place the entire time and hardly said anything unless someone asked me a question. That's generally what I do, but it's glaringly obvious now that it's just me and my parents. I just hate going anywhere without my sisters unless I'm completely alone. Absolutely hate it. And it's not like my family is mean to me, or ignores me, I just have nothing to say to them and don't do well with small talk unless I absolutely have to.
So this morning I stayed in bed with my mother, watched a little bit of Step Brothers on TV, then got ready to go out. Got to drive for awhile, so that was nice. Came home and just feel like shit. All I want to do is sleep sleep sleep and never wake up again. Hit me again just a few minutes ago that I'm going to spend the next ten years working for a job that I will keep for twenty-thirty years until I retire. It won't be until I retire that I'll really relax I don't think. Unless I prove to be better at college than I was over the summer. But with the way that my mind is right now emotionally, I won't survive. Something has got to change before I get there if I ever hope to be alive by the end of next year. It's not as if I want to die, it's more like there's not much point in staying alive.
Think about it, I lost faith in God years ago, lost faith in the church. Then I lost faith in my parents when they both became ill and only one of them came back. Then I lost faith in my sisters when they moved away and made it obvious that I wasn't a necessary part of their lives for them to continue (though this is still up for debate). I lost faith in myself recently when my academic skills almost failed over the summer and my emotional health nose-dived. I cut myself for the first time, planned my suicide seriously for the first time, and am contemplating life more critically. Like I said before, it's not that I'm in love with death, it's not like I'm trying to get attention, there's just no visible reason to live for miles around. What is worth going on for? Life just seems like one shitty event after another and everyone writes it off as "gods' will" or "shit happens" no, shit doesn't just happen, life is shit and all we are doing is disguising the shit into something we can stand smelling. Until something is radically changed or corrected in my mind with substantial evidence, I'll hang onto this view of the world. I may even die with it. Who knows.
I was happy on my birthday, just a few days ago, so why hasn't that bled into the rest of my life? It was like some freak event. And was it because of the presents I was getting? I don't think I'm that shallow. I'm pretty sure I was happy because I got to talk to my sisters, so far away from this house. My parents were getting upset about the webcam not working right and getting angry, mother was sweating with the effort of taking pictures and my dad was visibly stressed because of it. But my sisters were fine. They couldn't see. They couldn't feel the tension. Like a string pulled taut against a needle point. This happiness is fleeting, and that's part of the problem I think. I've come to the age where I find problems with burying my head in the sand, but now that my eyes are open all I can feel is anger. This never ending anger at the way things are, and how they probably won't change. At least not in the next year.
And about that love with Sasha, it's just another example of how fleeting good emotions are. There's no love there, it's gone, all love will disappear with enough time. That's what my experience has shown me from watching and living. After a time it's not love, it's a requirement. You are expected to have a husband, so, get one, and keep one, or else. Or else what? I honestly don't give a fuck. And kudos to the person who breaks theese barriers and proves me wrong. Until then, fuck it. No fucking point. Damn, I'm all over the board today.
I've officially started on my novel by the way, started off pretty grim and will only get darker from here. This is definitely a novel my parents won't be able to read for a few years at least. They wouldn't understand. I'm always doing things that they wouldn't understand me doing at this age. That will probably never change ahaha I think this is enough whining for one day.
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