---triggering (suicide/sh)


I'm not sure if it's because of hormones or what, but I completely overreacted last night in a sad manner. My mother was obviously in a lot of pain from taking a shower and was angry when she came down, telling me to take the dog out again (which I did). When I came back she said that my phone was going crazy and she had picked it up and saw that I had a calendar appointment. (Dad was also calling, so that prolly made it seem like it was freaking...

(trigerring- SH)

The title really says it all. The past week has been terrible, I've been getting so angry it's become concerning even to me. I don't know what to do with all of this. I can't tell anyone because they'd put something on my record or do something to stop me from going to college. Either from my parent's perspective or the college admission's people. I can't get the help I need without giving up my future!

Somehow this has become my reality and I can't...

Spent some time exploring a new genre of music that's somewhere between techno and industrial and noise. It feels really good, even though the singers scream a lot (but that's more my parents talking than me) which includes bands such as Cyanotic and 16Volt among others. It's actually really calming.

So I had my birthday about a week ago and got a hundred dollars from my uncle. I thought about buying DJ Hero with it, but with the new onslaught of stress and my parents being generally...

--warning: language

Not crazy depressed either, don't get me wrong, but just lackluster. Saw my cousin for the first time in years, went over to his house for dinner. Going to anyone's house lately makes me so sad, like I should have my sisters there. It didn't help that my mother couldn't go because of this goddamn urinary track infection (the fucking thing has been around for 6+ months!) that left her completely out of commission all day.

I felt so out of place the...

Second one so far, I really like her to. Doesn't feel like she's talking down to me or patronizing me, just listening and letting me work things out without any judgement. Don't get that too often at home, so it's a big relief.

After I explained more of what my home life is like, she said that she hadn't ever really had a person like me in her office before. Seeing how she's been doing this for 10+ years, that was a bit of a surprise and helps me to realize that I'm not overreacting...

BAN Rishloo
FABULOUS? YES
GENRE: Progressive Rock/Experimental Rock

Absolutely wonderful! With Tool listed as an inspiration, this is one new band with A TON of promise. If you have a few hours to kill and some silence to fill, these are your guys. With only two CD releases thus far and HQs on the west coast, I couldn't ask for any more! Catch these fellas while they're young, because they won't stay that way for long.

http://www.last.fm/music/Rishloo...

Do I really need to tell you this is triggering? Or can you figure that out on your own? That's what I thought.


Hurt myself again today, got the little safety pins out and scratched my skin red. I could see the blood poking out of my skin. They were longer this time, three times as long to be exact. Red and raised and angry. So angry. My mother and I have been having communication issues and she blew up at me (I most likely blew up at her in turn, it's not all her fault)...

Or at least a crush, or something, but there's this girl Sasha who goes to the same meeting as me, and I noticed it the first time. She is super adorable! Just so cute! And I got to sit next to her today, I've never felt like this before. I just really want her to like me too, even though I won't be able to start anything. It'd just be nice to at least be friends, too bad college is in the way. But I'll have to keep an eye on her, it's a shame that there's no easy way to know if she's even...

Things have been strange lately. On the surface it seems like everything is perfect; I know where I'm going to college, my grades are doing just fine, my family isn't in any horrible financial struggle, and I have hours and hours of free time to fill. But for the first time today I scratched myself knowing full well that it was self harm. I had always done it before when things just got way too intense, left scars on my arm that are still here from 6+ months ago, but it was always an automatic...

My first blog post. Essentially, my first journal entry. What better way to record my emotions in a site where no one I know will ever find it? Too many times have my personal emotions been found and placed in the harsh public light, but that should not be the case here. Or at least I hope it won't be. I guess that's a risk I'm willing to take at this point.

Maybe I'll update every day, maybe every week. Not sure at this point, this idea of writing down my naked thoughts feels...