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The life and lies of the so called schizoaffective, paranoid enby, Raphael.
If you don't know what that means, look it up. I hate myself.
If you don't know what that means, look it up. I hate myself.
Updating, please wait...
Posted January 12th 2013 at 12:41 PM by The Darkness
Ooh my life is spiraling down agaian! Fudder mucker!
So, ok, since I last posted, I moved again, I started shit with my friends, I got a cold and potentially lyringitis, I became suicidal so many times, I realized what I have to do to make things right with my mind and my relationship, and TH is down more than ever which sickens me!
Ok, moving. I moved from being, like 20 minutes away from school in a horrible, cold, ugly big space to being in a tiny, warm, cramped up 3 mintute walk to school. I really like it here dispite the bad connectivity in the room we rent and that me and my mom share the space. There's a cute little 2 year old I love to interact with and omg, he restores the idea of me having a kid. My kid will be a boy called Matthew and he will have green eyes like his father and he will be SO DAMN CUTE.
Ok friends.
So I was still wondering about my meds and if I should take them again and such. So I asked my circle of friends which is only, like, 6 people who know me real well. And the majority chose for me to take the medication 'cause even though it'd be kinda dull, I'd be safe which to me, now, seems like the most reasonable and nicest opinions. Only a few others said they're undecided. But two said not to take them. I listened to their reasoning and one of them just doesn't sit right with me. Ok, one of them said I shouldn't 'cause I won't be able to be creative and she thinks creativity is very important in my life because I enjoy creativity, which I understand and kinda agree on, but the other one, ooh gurl. She said that she'd rather me not be on the medication because I would "be boring" and she'd "rather have me fun". Is it just me, or does that sound awfully selfish of her? Now, that made me doubt and become more insecure about my purpose in life which I am already far gone with that, and she made mee believe like my only purpose is to be entertainment, like all I am is a television in which they get a good laugh at. What kinda crap purpose is that? So I texted her a few days after 'cause I was feeling suicidal and she said that whenever I needed help then to just ask her so I'm like ok. Let's just say, she not only further convinced the thought of entertainment, but she led me to believe that I am not important and that she's more important because she's been through things. Um, so? I've been through things, she's been through things, some random has been through things, everyone has gone though things and just because you have shit in your past doesn't mean others history isn't as important. Like, she puts herself on a pedistal and says look at me world, I've been through shit and my life is worse than all y'alls and I'm far more superior because I'm smart at the same time. Like, really? Ugh, so then I didn't feel like talking to her anymore so I just ended it in a tone that I was gonna off myself when I was just gonna calm down and think through life. But at the same time, I wanted to make an effect. So, with the development of my cold, I used that as an excuse to skip school that day. I didn't text anyone that I wouldn't be there, I never said anything. That last suicidal text was the last they heard of me. The next day, my phone woke me at 10 AMish, around the time where we all have the same class and that same friend texted me saying "are you ok?" I never responded. The next day I came to school with an excuse. I told them that I became so upset that I just wanted to sleep forever so I took 5 benadryls and was out for most of the day, why I didn't answer texts, not go to school, etc. Even though none of that happened. I told each of them individualy, except for the upsetting friend, and to every friend, I told them the truth of why I was so upset that point because of my friend, not the real reason why I'm losing my mind. And they believed me. And showed concern. And good god, you don't know how great that felt. I feel bad, and I'm afraid my one friend will catch ear of all I've been telling my other friends and bad things will start. In fact, I've noticed a trend: the leader of the group befriends me, introduces me to even more awesomer people, I see flaws in leader, leader catches ear of my critisisms, shows that leader already hated me before my critisisms, tension, leader turns group against me, alone, betrayal. Just like freshman year. Just today, as I was walking to school, my unmedicated brain just started thinking of the Day of Betrayal 2 when my current friends are gonna betray me how my old friends did back then and I kept thinking paranoidly that I can't trust them at all with anything whatsoever. And I still can't shake that thought, to this very minute.
Ok, cold.
I got a cold and lost my voice. That's mostly it.
Ok, shit.
So I was talking to an old friend today (which, btw, I now realize is my twin, I swear) about my crazy obsession and such and she says she knows my feel and she told me to just tell him about it and I mean, I was thinking of doing that 'cause THers told me the same but her personal twist to it motivated me more to do so. So I wrote up what I wanted to say and I'm going to read it to him 'cause it won't involve me improvising and then getting feels and such. I hope I can do this soon, I really want his insite to this. But knowing me, I'll add to it and then that'll be improvised and then the feels and such. Oh how I fear! Oh how I dread!
Ok, TH.
It's funny, I went on here one day at school and showed my friend and she's like, do you even know these people? And I'm like, no. But seriously, I check EVERY DAY to see if this thing's up and IT NEVER IS. ARHG. I check every hour when I have a question or in need and whenever I need it, IT'S NEVER UP. GAH. THEY NEED TO SWITCH SERVERS ALREADY, I SWEAR. GAH. AAH.
"Your so fucking special, I wish I was special, but I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo, what the hell am I doing here, I don't belong here"-Scala's cover of Radiohead's Creep.
Lol my mom just yelled at me to go to bed. It's 4 AM.
So, ok, since I last posted, I moved again, I started shit with my friends, I got a cold and potentially lyringitis, I became suicidal so many times, I realized what I have to do to make things right with my mind and my relationship, and TH is down more than ever which sickens me!
Ok, moving. I moved from being, like 20 minutes away from school in a horrible, cold, ugly big space to being in a tiny, warm, cramped up 3 mintute walk to school. I really like it here dispite the bad connectivity in the room we rent and that me and my mom share the space. There's a cute little 2 year old I love to interact with and omg, he restores the idea of me having a kid. My kid will be a boy called Matthew and he will have green eyes like his father and he will be SO DAMN CUTE.
Ok friends.
So I was still wondering about my meds and if I should take them again and such. So I asked my circle of friends which is only, like, 6 people who know me real well. And the majority chose for me to take the medication 'cause even though it'd be kinda dull, I'd be safe which to me, now, seems like the most reasonable and nicest opinions. Only a few others said they're undecided. But two said not to take them. I listened to their reasoning and one of them just doesn't sit right with me. Ok, one of them said I shouldn't 'cause I won't be able to be creative and she thinks creativity is very important in my life because I enjoy creativity, which I understand and kinda agree on, but the other one, ooh gurl. She said that she'd rather me not be on the medication because I would "be boring" and she'd "rather have me fun". Is it just me, or does that sound awfully selfish of her? Now, that made me doubt and become more insecure about my purpose in life which I am already far gone with that, and she made mee believe like my only purpose is to be entertainment, like all I am is a television in which they get a good laugh at. What kinda crap purpose is that? So I texted her a few days after 'cause I was feeling suicidal and she said that whenever I needed help then to just ask her so I'm like ok. Let's just say, she not only further convinced the thought of entertainment, but she led me to believe that I am not important and that she's more important because she's been through things. Um, so? I've been through things, she's been through things, some random has been through things, everyone has gone though things and just because you have shit in your past doesn't mean others history isn't as important. Like, she puts herself on a pedistal and says look at me world, I've been through shit and my life is worse than all y'alls and I'm far more superior because I'm smart at the same time. Like, really? Ugh, so then I didn't feel like talking to her anymore so I just ended it in a tone that I was gonna off myself when I was just gonna calm down and think through life. But at the same time, I wanted to make an effect. So, with the development of my cold, I used that as an excuse to skip school that day. I didn't text anyone that I wouldn't be there, I never said anything. That last suicidal text was the last they heard of me. The next day, my phone woke me at 10 AMish, around the time where we all have the same class and that same friend texted me saying "are you ok?" I never responded. The next day I came to school with an excuse. I told them that I became so upset that I just wanted to sleep forever so I took 5 benadryls and was out for most of the day, why I didn't answer texts, not go to school, etc. Even though none of that happened. I told each of them individualy, except for the upsetting friend, and to every friend, I told them the truth of why I was so upset that point because of my friend, not the real reason why I'm losing my mind. And they believed me. And showed concern. And good god, you don't know how great that felt. I feel bad, and I'm afraid my one friend will catch ear of all I've been telling my other friends and bad things will start. In fact, I've noticed a trend: the leader of the group befriends me, introduces me to even more awesomer people, I see flaws in leader, leader catches ear of my critisisms, shows that leader already hated me before my critisisms, tension, leader turns group against me, alone, betrayal. Just like freshman year. Just today, as I was walking to school, my unmedicated brain just started thinking of the Day of Betrayal 2 when my current friends are gonna betray me how my old friends did back then and I kept thinking paranoidly that I can't trust them at all with anything whatsoever. And I still can't shake that thought, to this very minute.
Ok, cold.
I got a cold and lost my voice. That's mostly it.
Ok, shit.
So I was talking to an old friend today (which, btw, I now realize is my twin, I swear) about my crazy obsession and such and she says she knows my feel and she told me to just tell him about it and I mean, I was thinking of doing that 'cause THers told me the same but her personal twist to it motivated me more to do so. So I wrote up what I wanted to say and I'm going to read it to him 'cause it won't involve me improvising and then getting feels and such. I hope I can do this soon, I really want his insite to this. But knowing me, I'll add to it and then that'll be improvised and then the feels and such. Oh how I fear! Oh how I dread!
Ok, TH.
It's funny, I went on here one day at school and showed my friend and she's like, do you even know these people? And I'm like, no. But seriously, I check EVERY DAY to see if this thing's up and IT NEVER IS. ARHG. I check every hour when I have a question or in need and whenever I need it, IT'S NEVER UP. GAH. THEY NEED TO SWITCH SERVERS ALREADY, I SWEAR. GAH. AAH.
"Your so fucking special, I wish I was special, but I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo, what the hell am I doing here, I don't belong here"-Scala's cover of Radiohead's Creep.
Lol my mom just yelled at me to go to bed. It's 4 AM.
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