This whole friend thing got me fucked up.
I feel like I gotta watch everything I post on social media just so it won't tick off people. I have to be as careful as some kid who just added their parent to social media. That means no talking about people, no ironic edgy jokes, none of that. Just me and my fucking boring outside life.
Meanwhile, my therapist seems to be siding with the friend issue and denies I'm desperate for friends. Which is a total lie, I am fucking desperate for friends...

I have some to unpack. It's about friends and the feeling of losing my mind again.
I should listen to my therapist and seriously go to sleep right now but I need to write about the people I know in a space where I know they won't see.
So, let's just start with friends. I invited them to come with me to buy groceries and Erin refused while Thor ignored. Later, I see on snapchat that they're both at Kailoni's birthday party when Erin said they'll be heading home at that time so they...

I just
It's been a lot
I got back with Evan so that's a plus
I've passed my college classes, barely, so that's a plus.
I got pneumonia and for that reason I needed to quit my summer job
I can't escape my mom so she degrades me everyday
My therapist says mother's verbal abuse is just her way of saying I love you.
Of course how could I be so blind of course yelling at your child that she's useless and will never be a functioning member of society is...

It's like I can't have happiness anymore.
It's been like 6 months since I broke up with Evan and I'm still crying at night and wishing I was dead.
Lana Del Rey can clearly depict my sadness.
I just have hit my low again. Hopefully tomorrow I can send a letter I wrote to him saying how much I hate him and how much he's hurt me because I cannot let him go on happy as he is without feeling guilty over what he's done to me. He can't go on and move on without feeling a little bit...

I SAY THAT EVERYTHING IS FINE AND DANDY AND THEN IT BECOMES NOT FINE AND DANDY
I lost him. I posted about him a few minutes ago
I am just so sad


so terribly sad



i was suppose to marry him but now





nothing.

It's been like most than a year since I last posted and I can say my life has gotten so good now.
Yeah shocking! I no more feel the need to be all dark and gloomy.
I actually think it might be the medications.
Wow long story. Here's the short version: met people on twitter, got close to 3 of them, got crushes on two of them, the one I crushed over the most became an asshole, emotions he evoked onto me made me lose my mind and sent to the hospital for 3 weeks, came back ended...

I'm getting sick of living.
How long has it been? Almost a month with calling him and no responce?
Friday's suppose to be our 1 year anniversary. The day I've been so excited to reach just 2 months ago is the day I dread will be filled with utter sadness.
I call him everyday at least 3 times. I send him a one sentence email everyday just saying something I fear or feel at that moment. And yet, nothing.
I'm nearly tired but I can't give up until I know the truth. I know,...

I know, I know.
I've called him for a week. And he never answered until today. Except he didn't answer. His mom did. Which isn't a big deal, it's a house phone, but I didn't get to talk to him because he was away. Which is fine. I'll just call tomorrow.
My brain is going all over the place with this, saying he made it so his mom would lie so he can avoid talking to me because he hates me and wants me away but he's to afraid to actually call off the relationship and doing all that...

Ooh my life is spiraling down agaian! Fudder mucker!
So, ok, since I last posted, I moved again, I started shit with my friends, I got a cold and potentially lyringitis, I became suicidal so many times, I realized what I have to do to make things right with my mind and my relationship, and TH is down more than ever which sickens me!
Ok, moving. I moved from being, like 20 minutes away from school in a horrible, cold, ugly big space to being in a tiny, warm, cramped up 3 mintute walk...

WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS DOWN, I MEAN DAMN!
Oh TH I simply adore you!
So lately, ugh, I don't even want to bring it up, but I will.
So I mentioned in one of my threads that I lashed out at a website and that they got offeneded, etc. I went and apologized but they began to taunt me and such so I decided to not only leave the site, but leave the fandom entirely. It's my favorite book and it sickens me to leave the fandom but they just ruined it for me. I felt so dreadful throughout...