So I have to finish packing and getting ready because later today I move in to college.

I had no sleep last night. I didn't sleep at all. I was nervous or anxious I guess, because any time I even got remotely comfortable I'd have an upset stomach or have to pee or my chest would feel all funny and scared, and I wanted to cut but I didn't.

But now I feel like hell and I don't know how I am going to make it through the day. I have activities until like 9 PM or something...

I just feel so much at once but yet nothing at all. Depressed and heavy and tired and dead and emotionless and anxious and overwhelmed and unmotivated and uncaring but too caring ant the same time and I have too much to do in no time and don't want to do any of it but yet have to do all of it and kind of want to do all of it at the same time. Need a break. Will never get one.

Just got home Sunday night. I had the time of my life with my friends and my boyfriend. Jon and I had tons of people wanting our pictures, it was great. I guess it was a good idea to go as Cloud and Tifa.

Some of the cosplays were really great, and we went to some fun panels. The Miku concert was great, and so was the Mikako Joho concert. And of course, the rave was incredible. However, Nekocon did have its downsides. On Saturday night, when I was in line for the Miku concert, I...

E & I fought for the first time last night. At first it was just a stupid habit of mine that was annoying him, but it quickly morphed into something worse. He told me that my sadness is hurting him, and our relationship. I’ve been asking about whether or not it was bothering him recently, and he always denied being in any emotional pain what so ever. When I asked what had changed, he said...

I'm am so stressed out. Its only the 3rd week of school, and already I'm feeling like I'm losing my mind rather quickly. Every. Single. Day. is a fucking struggle. A struggle to try and stay positive, a struggle to not act out any SH or ED urges, a struggle to get through school material, just a fucking struggle. For everything. It feels like nothing is going to be easy, ever again.

I thought I could trust that my relationship with E would be the one easy thing in my life, but even...

Yesterday was crazy. I was supposed to have a relaxing day at Jon's house, and we were going to have the house to ourselves all day because his whole family was going out. Well, that changed at the last second. The company Jon's dad works for was having a big company picnic for all the employees and their families, hence Jon and I having the house to ourselves. Nope, we ended up going to the picnic with them. Thank god it was held inside and outside; it was like a big giant garage really, it held...

I just woke up screaming. I was shaking and sweating and crying... I'd only been asleep for an hour. The shaking is making it hard to type, and everything's blurry because of the tears.

I feel so alone all the time. Four months ago I moved 163 miles away from home, with only a week to adjust to the idea. I don't know any one here. None of my 'friends' ever get in contact with me unless I message them first. When I visit home, everyone's too busy to meet up with me. Even my boyfriend...

Every one I see here and there have so much laughter and smiles in their faces and voices.
Why can't I have it?
I try really hard to be happy.
I'm labeled and known as the "crazy" girl at my school...my whole town. I am known to switch personalities in an istant. I am known to have anger issues. I am known as the smart girl everyone copies off of. I am known as the girl who will give in to anything you ask for. I am known for being gullible and vunarable. I am known...

While sitting there talking to people feeling fine I end up cutting.
I'm so stupid. It's on the wrist this time. At least if I'm gone for a while you know why.

I'm so fucked up. Get that sad scared feeling in my heart out of nowhere. Cut out of nowhere. Tired out of nowhere. No motivation out of nowhere.

Sick with a cold right now. The fuck's wrong with me?